Thursday, May 08, 2008

New Pictures!!! (please check out my previous entry for information about Take Steps for Crohn's and Colitis)

I finally downloaded pictures from my camera, I still have a lot on the handy cam though. Here are my favorites from this batch! Hopefully I stay motivated and get the handy cam downloaded sometime this week...

This morning Marie STILL has a fever, and is sleeping a lot. I'm tempted to say that she and Josie have some sort of bug, especially since their cousin Nicole is showing some of the same symptoms. Ugh! Marie was at 100.7 this morning and Tylenol didn't bring it down so she's now had some Motrin as well. Josie didn't feel good for soccer practice last night so I brought her home and she fell asleep on the couch at 6:45. She slept from then on, Daddy put her to bed, and she wasn't up until 7:30 or so this morning. She's laying on the couch watching cartoons right now, being a bit of a drama queen so I think somethings up...
I will be needing one of these after all this is over with! Enjoy the pics!!!
margarita


Hanging out in Josie's bed. Marie just lights up for Josie, she definitely loves her sister!
We love the kooky glasses! Thanks Charlee, Matt, Max and Ben!

Posing on the front steps :)
We got new sun hats for this year, Josie is blue plaid and Marie is funky pink flowers...
Watching cartoons...
Standing up big. This is one of the last times Marie was able to bear any weight on her legs. Doing so seems to trigger some of the more severe seizures so we've stopped now.

Josie still looks like a baby when she's sleeping...

On of her last smiles, I'm so grateful to have caught it on film.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

My Cousin

My cousin is a brave, brave girl. She' actually the toughest chick I know. And, she's doing something completely awesome.

Renee is raising money through the Crohns & Colitis Foundation of America by doing a walk at the zoo in Denver this Saturday. She suffers from Crohns and is being so open about how this has affected her life. Rather than taking it lying down she's doing something, and raising money to try to find a cure. See, she rocks.

If you would head over here: http://www.active.com/donate/takestepsDN07/RCampbe389 to see what it's all about. If you can, make a donation to help her in her cause. Her goal is $1000 and I think that we could totally help her meet it!

rosie the riviter
Photobucket


So, Luke is back out in the field today. All the rain/snow and then nice warm sun means he's fighting weeds... the thing that sucks about when he's spraying is that he doesn't come home for lunch with us, so it's just me and the girls all day. That does sound a little spoiled doesn't it? I'm so used to him coming home for lunch that we miss him when he doesn't:)

Marie had her EEG yesterday, I posted about it on the CaringBridge site. I've got mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I feel like it was a waste of time. She had no seizures during the test, so I feel like we drug her to Denver for no reason, and the meeting we had with the neurologist basically was something I could have done in a phone call. Blegh. On the other hand, she didn't have any seizures all morning, which is a good thing. The neuro said her brain waves are "nearly normal". Yeah, and shes "almost a decent doctor". Almost. Did I mention I don't care for our Neuro? We switched as of yesterday, it's official. Don't let the door hit you on the way out :)

Our new neurologist was good when we were inpatient way back in the day, back in October when life was still relatively calm, I didn't cry daily, and I didn't understand the full scope of the impact that this would have on our life. I was so naive. Anyway, he's cool. He's efficient, seems to be pro-active, and he does outpatient about 40 miles from here, so hopefully NO MORE DENVER!

I so want to be done with Denver and Children's Hospital and all of it. I have complete confidence in our doctors here and I feel good about them taking care of Marie. That and we have hospice, and our hospice nurse is a gem. She is really one among a million and I am so glad we have her.

Other than Luke spraying not a lot going on here, I have laundry to do. It is the bane of my existence. Someday when I grow up and am rich I will hire someone to do all my laundry. Not the cleaning, because they wouldn't do it the way I want it done, but definitely the laundry.

Also, I will be monitoring Marie, who is running a low grade fever. We are praying that this is nothing, but with her it's hard not to worry about the tiniest things. Please pray that this is just her top teeth trying to break through and nothing more serious. I can tell that its affecting her a little, she's already had at least 5 seizures this morning, so hopefully its nothing and it passes quickly.

I'll keep everyone updated! Much love- Shan

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Prayer request...

Good morning everyone. I wanted to ask you all for prayers. There's a little boy named Landon who is 3 months younger than Marie (making him 11 months old) and he also is fighting Leigh's Disease.

Landon is having a tough time, he has seizures like Marie and his family is struggling as we are to get them under control. Little Landon is the sweetest boy I have seen, and his family are wonderful people, and have become so important to Luke and I as we are so grateful to have them to travel down this bumpy road with us.

If you all could, please say a prayer for Landon that his meds work, and that he's more comfortable and content. Say a prayer for his parents too, as I know that this can be so draining.

baby boy

Thank you all so much, for your prayers for Landon and your continued prayers for us! It is the most comforting thing to imagine when times are hard the sheer number of prayers that circle us.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Home Again

Josie's surgery went just fine! She did great, they did take her adenoids out because they were huge, and she was a little nauseous from the anesthesia but other than that, no problems.

It's snowing here today and I'm wondering when spring will show up. Marie did great with the trip to the front range, hopefully we can get some answers next week from yet another EEG. I'm getting tired of the doctors.

Luke is home today, so I'm going to clean the house and I think we'll have the family sausage and mac'n'cheese for dinner (me cook! I know, craziness).

I just wanted to let everyone know Josie's ear tube removal surgery went great and she's doing pretty good.

I'll leave you with some crab-apple blossoms, to celebrate my tree blooming:) These aren't mine, mine look a lot rougher than this all beaten by the snow and wind. I did brave it this morning in my pj's to cut some branches which are now in a vase in the dining room so that we can enjoy the flowers a little bit.... this is May.. what the heck. Anyway, enjoy:) They are so pretty! Have a great weekend~


Pink Crabapple tree blossoms

Monday, April 28, 2008

The need to feel...

Today I am posting a video. It's a video about another families tragedy, but it echos our own words and thoughts so strongly. I have to thank my friend Sarah for posting it on her blog.... blown away am I....

The video was made by the group Selah (a Christian band) and the lead singer and his wife have recently lost a baby, they have amazing faith though... it's really something. While what we are dealing with is somewhat different the words of their song for their daughter are words I have thought in my head for Marie... It is a beautiful way to illustrate how it feels to cope with the hardest thing I have encountered in my life. If you like, you can read their story here: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/.

It's hard to watch, I cried all the way through, but in some ways it's good to feel it. It's good to feel that firstly, we are not alone. Secondly, it reminds me that I am never alone. Thirdly, it reminds me to be glad that I got Marie. Sometimes, we just get wrapped up. This is now our normal, some days the knowledge that I am going to loose her is so far away, it's foreign land. I notice it at night when she's breathing next to me. The thought that someday she won't be there enters my head and it's so odd, to imagine life without Marie is impossible. She is so perfect, so beautiful, such a joy to be around and care for it is hard for me to acknowledge sometimes that her body is not made to last. Then there are other times when the earth literally moves beneath my feet, I look at her and she's almost translucent. It's like she's halfway to heaven already on really bad days.

Anyway, the video is good. We need to feel.

Secondly, I want to thank all of our family who reads this blog. All of our friends to. It's my therapy, but it is so good to have you all knowing whats going on. That way we can just pick up when we see one another, no need to give you the back story. A lot of my family who reads this blog is family I haven't seen since I was a child. Thank you for reading, thank you for caring after all these years. I will refer to you all collectively "The Irishmen". I am so touched by your willingness to love my girl though you've never met her. Thank you. To my cousin Maria, whom I have never met, thank you too. It feels so good to be surrounded by family, it's something that often was not a part of my life and I am so grateful to have that now. Finally, my cousin Renee, you know :) I am so glad I have you!

Here is the video, please enjoy... I'm grateful to this family for having the strength to share their story, to help me along with my own journey.





I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One whose chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One whose chosen Me
To carry you

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Another week gone! I've been a slacker this week in updating. Josie and I ordered books from Amazon and we've been reading a lot this week. She got two new ones, both Stage 1 Beginning Readers. They are: Fancy Nancy and the Boy From Paris, and Fancy Nancy at the Museum. We do so love Fancy Nancy! The best part is, Josie can read words! So far we're reading and, at, to, I, a, me, and other simple small ones. It is so cool to sit with her and see it click!
fancy nancy



My brother Mickey came to hang out on Thursday and we had fun with him. He is turning 21 on Sunday, it makes me feel a little old (I am 7 years older than him, he's still supposed to be a baby). He has a lot of fun at college, only 40 miles or so from here so we don't get to see him a TON, but when we do it's always a good visit...
Maria!!!

TastyKake

Thank you for the TastyKakes! They were such a fun surprise, and, Luke got to taste them for the first time ever (he is a fan). Josie loves them, it was such a fun, fun treat! Mickey was here when I opened the package and he made off with one of the boxes, but it was okay, it makes a nice birthday gift for him:)

Thank you so much, you made our day, it was so sweet of you to think of us!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Marie's Story

Marie Isabel was born March 3, 2007. She arrived right on time, on her due date and her arrival was much hoped for by her mother, father and sister.
Marie kicked so hard in utero that everyone was certain she was a boy, everyone but big sister Josie who knew with no uncertainty that she was going to have a sister.
Weighing it at 7lbs 15 ounces and 20.25 inches tall we brought home our dark haired girl and settled into a deliriously happy existence.
All went well, Marie developed normally until 5 and half months. At this time she started showing an intentional tremor, most noticeable when eating, playing or crying. We met with the neurologists on October 16, 2007 at The Children's Hospital in Aurora, Colorado. We were admitted to the hospital that day through emergency and in the days that followed we were mis-diagnosed with a form of cancer. A CAT scan didn't show the tumor that they believed was there and from there we met with the metabolic doctors. Marie's MRI showed lesions in her brain and they gave Marie the diagnosis of Leigh's Disease, on of many Mitochondrial Disorders.
In December, 2007 genetic testing found the mutation in Marie's Mitochondrial DNA. Almost 100% of the cells in her blood are affected in Complex I of the cell's respiratory chain, this means that they cannot produce energy efficiently enough to sustain her. Marie suffers from a severe energy deficiency.
The tremor has vanished now, but Marie is troubled by severe reflux (or vomiting). They tell us she suffers from a "failure to thrive". Marie no-longer takes a pacifier, she struggles to suck hard enough to keep it in her mouth. Her head control is poor, and she doesn't stand often. Many nights, Marie does not sleep well, though Mommy and Daddy try to keep her comfortable in between them. She has periods of pain, as of yet unexplained.
Despite all of this every day with her is a blessing, she can laugh, she can smile, she can play. On good days she can roll over. We try so hard to focus on the good, and take the best care we can of the blessing we have been given.
Update March 2008. Marie is no longer vocal, rarely makes eye contact. Emotions are hard to read, we think she still smiles sometimes. She has seizures and we're trying out the drug Keppra to control them. She is tube fed, but still nurses like a rock star. She sleeps in the middle with Mommy and Daddy every night. She is soooooo LOVED!

Update, September 2008: EEG has proven Marie DOES NOT have seizures, she has a movement disorder called Dystonia caused by the damage to her brain from Leigh's. She is now completely free from seizure medication and much more alert. She coo's, she smiles, she plays. She is such a joy! How blessed are we?!
Update April, 2009: Marie is proof that God answers prayers. She smiles, talks, plays, still eats by mouth, though she did wean herself from nursing in March. She is able to move her head side to side, and with assistance can hold very small things in her hands. She adores her big sister Josie, and has a very special relationship with her Daddy. Diazepam is controlling her movement disorder, Dystonia, nicely and it is no longer an issue. The majority of her nutrition is via g-tube but she does enjoy eating bits by mouth. She is almost 22 lbs at 25 months old! Currently Marie only takes Diazepam and Melatonin regularly. Putting her care in God's hands has been the best medicine for her that we've found and He has blessed us.

Update September 17, 2009:
On August 28, 2009 God called Marie home to be with Him after the most beautiful summer together.  She fell asleep the night before safe in bed beside Daddy while I was at the hospital with her new little sister who had arrived that day.  Sometime in the early morning hours God called to her and she flew, waking in Jesus arms.  She is healed, Praise God, and she is running, dancing, singing and laughing in the fields of Heaven.  We are struggling daily to get by without our joyful girl.  It is hard to be without her but we rejoice anticipating our reunion with her when our work here is done.  Big sister Josie misses her sister badly, and little sister Sarah will learn about her through pictures and stories.  We were blessed with the time we had, we know that no matter how long we could have had her it wouldn't have been enough.  Our special angel, beautiful girl, Little Mama, perfect princess, we miss you and we love you.

Photobucket

Friday, April 18, 2008

Hooray! It has been one long, stinkin' week. Jo's got soccer practice this evening and then we're having pizza (from the freezer, I haven't made "real" pizza in so long its just sad). Tomorrow she has a game at the obscene hour of 8:30. Should be interesting, morning people we are not.
Grandma Judy is coming to visit, and cheer on Josie...
I am stealing this idea, I used to do something similar but haven't in awhile. So, Marie and Josie's top 10 favorite things (in no particular order)!



Little Miss Sunshine Josie loves (in her own words):

Dragon Tales.

Her purple bunny rabbit.

Herself

Mashed potato's

Doing arts and crafts

Singing her ABC's

"Three Little Birds" or the "Gunna be alright song" by Bob Marley (our song has changed in honor of this favorite thing)

The Disney Princess'

Pickles

Singing songs and twirling



pink flower Marie loves (according to Josie and Mommy):

Josie

Blue Bear

Cool Whip

Bath time

Chocolate pudding

Daddy

Rainbows

Socks (seriously, she loves socks. We have to help her now but she loves holding them, chewing on them, pretty much everything to do with them)

Bubbles

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is her favorite song (Josie says, Marie might dispute this)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Rant




I'm mad. Mad that my calls are not important enough to be returned. Mad that I get the feeling that sometimes, if you are outpatient, you are not considered to have as much medical necessity as inpatient. I'm mad that I made phone calls to doctors today about two relatively time sensitive issues and neither one saw fit to call me back.

Marie is dealing with chronic constipation. In the last two weeks she's managed to "go" six times. I'm worried that the issue is perhaps more serious than I had believed before, because, she's on Milk of Magnesia twice a day and still doesn't go. I'm scared that her bowels might be stopping working. It sounds like I'm a hypochondriac but I'm not. I don't believe that I am anyway... I have a child with a degenerative disease, I freak out about things. It's allowed.

Also, Marie has had 22 seizures today. Those are the major ones that we notice anyway. Our family doctor thinks she may be having more than I realize because she does this thing where her eyes go two different directions and he thinks that simple act could be a seizure unto itself. She is TIRED! She is pale, she makes moaning noises during her "episodes". She is non-verbal, she doesn't normally make any noise at all, but she moans during seizures. I feel her, I think they hurt. I am ticked that I feel like doctors do not listen to me. She's had her emergency extra dose of Clonazepam and they've slowed down, but come on! 22 is a lot!

I feel anxious because I feel like there's something more I should be doing to call attention to her issues that I'm not aware of. What? I think of things over and over again, what I could do differently but I'm stumped. I just hate that things are happening to her and I cannot stop them.

Ugh, just talked with the on call Neurologist... apparently the nurse at the clinic was supposed to call and never did. I will have her neck.... Marie is taking higher doses of all her drugs. This means in an effort to control her seizures she will be my little zombie for the next few days. Some days we cannot win for loosing. To top it off I called our hospital to leave a message for our family doctor so that he is aware Marie's meds have changed. The nurse I talked to there was rude to me. Don't these people know not to mess with Mommy?

girly pirate skull

On a lighter note, Matt, you make me smile. When I am excited about techie things I will make sure I use proper terminology in the future, it just makes it cooler:) Thanks for the heads up!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

New look

Some of you might wonder what the heck I am doing. I figured out how fancy up my page is what! I'm sort of proud of myself, I'm sort of learning the whole "code" thing as I go, and this was a big assignment. I kind of like it, not sure I'm too keen on the text color but other than that, is nice.

Also, the song is Josie's choice. She loves this one... it's catchy, I'll say that. So, I'm proud of myself and I had to brag a little that I managed to alter my page this much. I have plenty of time since Marie has been sleeping in my arms and Josie is watching Sesame Street... that's right, still can't really lay Marie down for naps. Even if I could put her in the crib it makes me to nervous to leave her there since she doesn't cry. I'm terrified that something bad would happen and I'd have no idea. So, in my arms she stays. Spoiled, spoiled girl :)

Friday, April 11, 2008

Brave Little Soul

I found this and had to share... We made an unexpected trip to the clinic today, Marie's been having a tough time. Check her Caring Bridge page for more details. Please enjoy the story below.

Brave Little Soul
The Brave Little Soul By: John Alessi


Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world.
She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused.
“What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity." Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. One of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. She has already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

Quiet....

It is so quiet here this morning. Luke took Josie to her Ear/Nose/Throat apt so it's just Marie and me here. Hopefully Josie's visit with the doctor goes okay. Her ear tubes have been in for too long, 3 years (!) so they're going to talk about surgery to remove them and patch the hole in her eardrum. This sucks, everyone else I've talked to had the tubes fall out on their own. Poor Josie, those who know her understand, this will be MAJOR DRAMA! She is also going to have a lunch date with Daddy on the way back and she's happy about that. I'm making Luke go to WalMart on his way home though.... he hates WalMart!

Marie and I are good, we're playing with seizure meds again to get hers back under control. I counted 15 yesterday, 5 were major, so hopefully this gets settled soon. It sucks for her, but she's so tough. She just grabs my finger and we get through it together. It's odd that I can talk about it so calmly, but it's become our day to day. We know how to cope, so we just do what needs done. Marie is so patient, it inspires me to be a little calmer about everything myself.

This week was an interesting one, I made a lot of new friends. I have discovered this entire group of women who are so strong, they are mothers to babies with special needs too. I think sometimes that I've got it hard, but in reality my story is nothing compared to a lot of them. There are some tough Mama's. It's good to have found them, to pull strength from their stories. It is amazing how we are able to find the people we need. It'd like to think that it's God's hand guiding me in the directions I need to be going. I'm a little clueless, so I have to thank Him for the help. I truly believe he introduced me to a few people this week for a reason.

My sister Annalee was supposed to come and visit yesterday, bummer that the snow came. She's coming today though and Josie is SO EXCITED! I'm looking forward to seeing her too. We don't get to hang out much, so this will be nice. I hope the roads are good for her to get here. I think we got about 8" of snow yesterday, it's hard to tell though since it mostly came down sideways on account of the wind. Can you believe last week I was actually online shopping for a pool for the backyard? I love wearing flip flops and snow boots in the same week!

Also, thank you to those who have made tributes in honor of Marie on her Caring Bridge site. I didn't notice they were there until Annalee pointed them out to me. Thank you:) I am feeling the good in the world. There is a lot of it, although they don't show it on the news. I'm sort of in awe of how many people Marie has touched. She's reached out to more people in her life than I ever have in mine. It's amazing. Thank you for caring about her!

The wind is still blowing here... I'm thinking I need to go to my beach with a big pitcher of margaritas... sadly that probably won't happen. Instead I should clean the bathroom, I am such a lucky girl!

I do have lots of soccer pics to put up too, they're just on the camera. I know, I am feeling lazy though. Josie's got another game tomorrow so I'll be taking more I'm sure. She really loves playing.

I'll leave you with a laugh and another installment of my Funny Things Josie Says:

"Soccer girls wear pony tails Mom, and I am a soccer girl"

"Eyelashes on boys means handsome". Heaven help us!!!

While talking on the phone to my cousin Renee "I'm going to hang up on you now"...

"I'm bored putting away my toys" "I'm bored eating dinner" "I'm bored getting dressed" Notice a theme here?

"Girls like green beans, and I am a girl!"

"When you wear glasses you don't look like my Mommy, you look like a weird Mommy" Thanks.

"Why does God take so long making is summer?"

"That took a long time, like eighty four hundred seconds!" I've know idea how long that actually is, but apparently it is a very... long... time....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Smiling....

Feeling good after the bath....
Daddy loves that baby so...
That tickles!
Pretty girl...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Whew, we have had some busy days. Easter was wonderful! I was tentative, I was worried going into it. Last year, we baptised Marie on Easter. What an amazing day to do it, the church full of lily's, but I worried how I'd handle that this year. With God's grace, it was just fine! Church was nice, it's my favorite service of the year. I only teared up a few times, and once it was while we were singing The Lamb, and that always happens so it doesn't count:)

After church we went out to Marc and Gails for the annual Easter egg hunt. It was the best afternoon I have had in a long time. Marie was a trooper, she wasn't fussing at all and content in my arms. Josie had a blast, her and her cousin Nicole found tons of eggs and got some really fantastic Easter baskets. The meal was as always, really good. Luke played softball, and that game is always a lot of fun to watch. Josie actually batted and ran the bases a few times, she had a blast. Most importantly though, family kept me laughing and enjoying myself too much to get down. It was such a break from my day to day worries, I am grateful for that. It was such a beautiful day!

Other than that, we've been just doing the day to day. Marie is doing a lot better, she's slept through the night 5 days in a row now. Still in the middle though, truth be told, Luke and I like having her in bed with us too much to move her back to her crib. The weather has been so nice, yesterday Josie and I were outside for hours doing sidewalk chalk and blowing bubbles.

Here are some of our recent photos, Josie and I dyed eggs and they turned out awesome! It was a special dye kit for marbled eggs, and I think we'll do them this way from now on. Who knew that a few drops of vegetable oil in the dye could make them turn out so cool?


















Marie napping (on her own!!!) in the recliner. She is so beautiful, and her hair is getting so long!












My view from the sling... Marie in her favorite place:) She's still spending a few hours every afternoon in her pouch, she is my little Sling Thing.











Monday night Josie had her first soccer practice. She's the one in the pink coat and shorts. In this pick she's sitting down holding the ball. She had a blast and seemed to pick it up pretty quickly. I think she'll enjoy it. Also, since the weathers getting nicer and it's outside, her games are something that we can do as a family and bring Marie along. That, is priceless.










Josie kicking the ball during a drill. Just in case you wondered, her shin guards are pink, her soccer ball is pink. Her cleats are black, but they have pink stripes! I mean really, would you expect anything less? ;)

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Birthday Ticker

So, I logged on this morning to update Marie's birthday ticker to the right. She needs the one that marches onwards towards the big TWO. I was on the site, I selected the design, then I proceed to the second step where you select the little figure. All of them show little children walking around. None are sitting even, definitely none lying down. All walking.... what the crap?

Am I the only mother of a "special needs" child who wants a ticker for the kids birthday? Why don't they have some for everyone? Sometimes, and trust me I try to be bigger than this, but it is like a knife in the side to see what Marie would be doing if she didn't have Leigh's. They should have a child that represents everyone. I am probably too sensitive I'm sure. I have issues just with the term "special needs". I see Marie as perfect, and dammit, I want everyone else to too.

I selected the tractor. This is relatively accurate since at some point I'm sure Marie will spend some time in one, and I made sure it was GREEN, not the RED tractor. I have a husband that would go ballistic if the tractor was red...

I was struck by this today. As my cousin would say "back when I was in the magic bubble" I would not have even noticed that they didn't have all sorts of children depicted as markers. I would have just picked the one that best matched and moved on. Never pausing. For that I am sorry. I am sorry I was so naive, I'm sorry that I was uncomfortable when confronted with disabled people before. I'm sorry that at the site of a sick child my first reaction was to look away. Thank you God for opening my eyes. There was this entire section of very special people I was missing. Because I'm being brutally honest I admit this, it also makes me sad that there are people who act the way I used to. They don't know what they're missing...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008






Tough Weeks...

The weeks since Marie turned one have been difficult. She is progressing to quickly, every week brings new things, never happy milestones. I struggle to find words when I speak out loud about all of this, how do you talk about it?

Days go by, and it's strange how normal continues to define itself. Luke mentioned that we are in this continuous mourning process. We are. First we mourned her when we discovered she was sick, then we mourned that she was loosing some skills, then we mourned that she seemed to be uncomfortable, we mourned her no longer being able to nourish herself, we mourned the loss of strength in her body, then we mourned the loss of her voice... we just loose things, bit by bit. What astounds me is this, regardless of how much we loose there is still so much left. I have discovered new things to rejoice in.

Marie does this thing, eyes wide she raises her eyebrows up, it looks like a surprised face. She gives it to Josie a lot. Marie loves to nurse, even now when she's not very good at it it is her favorite thing. I am her lovey, I love how that feels. She is still ticklish everywhere. Her forehead is ticklish, who has a ticklish forehead? Such tiny things, but they are so important. They are Marie. She is such a blessing.

My friend Sarah called yesterday, she is due to have a baby very soon. Together she and her husband have decided to do something wonderful. If they have a girl she will have the middle name Marie. I get choked up thinking about it. This is such a huge gift to Luke and Josie and I. What an amazing way to honor my girl... Of course, Sarah knows that now that I know this, if she has a boy I am never speaking to her again;)

My life has changed so much in the last year, I've been going over that a lot lately. I would not change it now though, even if I could. I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, and two beautiful girls, and Luke. I have a lot to be grateful for, I just need to be better at remembering all of it!
A Prayer in Spring by Robert Frost


Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers today;
And give us not to think so far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orcahrd white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
To which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends he will,
But which it only needs that we fulfill.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Thank you all!!!

Marie's birthday party this Saturday was amazing! It was so wonderful to have so many people come and show how much they care about her. The cakes were beautiful, made by Aunt Lois so they were extra special. I have some good photos and I'll post them as soon as I get them uploaded. My brother Mickey videoed a lot of the party.

Marie enjoyed some vanilla ice cream, and most importantly, we raised a lot of money for Eli's Angels! What an amazing gift to give in Marie's name... THANK YOU ALL! We, as a family, are so very blessed!


Flowers In Cup

Monday, March 03, 2008

My baby is 1 today!

birthday girl I cannot believe how quickly the year went by... it seems only yesterday we brought our bundle home. I don't know if it's all the struggles we've faced, how amazing her spirit is, or how much I've learned, but I do know, we are so blessed to get to hold this BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!

birthday

Birthday Girl

Birthday Balloons

Birthday Cake

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I believe...

I believe that God sends us things when we need them, be it people, sunny days, a friend with margaritas. I think he knows before I know what exactly I need. It was proven to me again today when I stumbled over the lyrics of an old song I used to love... the words knocked me down. This is me, all my thoughts and feelings, put so much more eloquently than I can...

I SPOKE AS A CHILD, Todd Snider

Everyone has days
Like I'm having
Holding onto to anything that I can
To keep myself
From anything but laughing
Looking back as far as I can stand

Out my window, winter is almost over.
I can almost see the sun behind the clouds
Looking back on where I was one year ago today,
laughing at the shape I'm in now.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child.
But all I heard was how I should get ahead.
Now growing up, it ain't anything but all this indecision
With these debts and doubts and worries
Hanging over my head.

When I was a child,I spoke as a child.
I wish I could remember what I said.

I'd like to find that old-time feeling
Somewhere in between what I've become
Somewhere down the line, it must have seemed appealing,
So I suppose that it must work for some.

But I wanna go back to going crazy,
believing every word that I was told.
You know, sometimes, growing up,
I think I'm getting wiser,
And then other times, I think I'm getting old.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child.
But all I heard was how I should get ahead.
Now growing up, it ain't anything but all this indecision
With these debts and doubts and worries
Hanging over my head.

When I was a child,I spoke as a child.
I wish I could remember what I said.
When I was a child,I spoke as a child.
God, I wish I could remember what I said.

Monday, February 25, 2008

PARTY TIME!!!

Marie's 1st birthday party is planned for Saturday, March 8 at 1pm. We will be holding it in the basement of Zion Lutheran Church here in Holyoke.

We'd like to ask that instead of gifts you make a donation in Marie's name instead. Donations can be made to Eli's Angels, http://home.comcast.net/~elis_angels/, or MitoAction, http://www.mitoaction.org/index.shtml . We'll have an offering basket there that day.

I hope that many of you can make it. Marie has touched so many lives, and we want to make sure that we give her the most wonderful birthday party we can, surrounded by all the people who love her! We hope that you can join us that day!

bday cake

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Home

We're back again. It's going to take a lot to settle back into any sort of routine. Marie is still sore, still crying a lot, still wants Mommy all the time. And she should... Josie wants me to play with her constantly, I wish I had 4 arms. It's like starting over from scratch again with a newborn, it is hard, I feel like I don't know how to feed my baby anymore...

Marie's surgery went well, they tell us she's doing fantastic. I hate seeing her like this, she is sore, she is tired, she gags on her spit because she cannot swallow like she used to. I hope that we did the right thing, time will tell. Being a parent is really hard, so much harder than I would have ever guessed. I am hurting with Marie right now...

Luke and I are sort of rocked by this. Her surgery was harder on us than we thought it would be. This is only the first stop down the path with Marie, I wish that we could stop walking sometimes and just stay right here. I'm afraid of whats around the bend.

We are being as positive as we can, and so many people tell us to be, it's just hard. Reality is hard. I just want to be pissed off. I'm tired of my baby having it so rough... I hope that she heals soon, I hope that she starts smiling more, I just hate seeing her not feeling well... I hate that Josie has to go through so much with her sister... still we're lucky to be surrounded by some really amazing people. God sends me just who I need whenever I need it, God makes it hard to stay mad at him...

A Cradle Song by William Butler Yeats

The angels are stooping
Above your bed;
They weary of trooping
With the whimpering dead.

God's laughing in Heaven
To see you so good;
The Sailing Seven
Are gay with His mood.

I sigh that kiss you,
For I must own
That I shall miss you
When you have grown.

Friday, February 15, 2008

LA Ink episode featuring Mitochondrial Disease




The verse he refers to is (totally appropriate)

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15
A Time for Everything

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
A time to give birth, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill, and a time to heal; A time to tear down, and a time to build up.
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones, and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search, and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart, and a time to sew together; A time to be silent, and a time to speak.
A time to love, and a time to hate; A time for war, and a time for peace.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Music selection...

The current top song is Josie's favorite at the moment. We call it the Combine Song, she heard it in the combine with Daddy over the summer:) It's a little punk rock, but then, so is Josie.

Monday, February 11, 2008