Happy...

Happy is a place I once thought I would never find again... and yet somehow we're here.

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13 NIV


I look at Josie and Sarah and I see joy in their eyes...  I look at Luke and even though there's that sadness in his eyes I see happiness there too.  Right now I am feeling so incredibly blessed.  Marie is in Heaven and we all miss her so much... but we know where she is, and we'll see her again.  Until then, we have each other.  After the rough road we've traveled I think we appreciate it more...  I hope that we do.

Josie took this photo of me on Saturday.  I look at it and I see myself but in so many ways I see more than I used to be.  I am smiling... for a long time I had lost my smile.  And I look... beautiful.  I've never thought of myself in that way.  Yet in this image, captured through my daughters eyes I see the beauty that she must see.  I am strong enough to carry my children (Eva is under that blanket snuggled up in my pouch sling).  For a long time I felt weak.  I am not so old.  For a long time I felt so old.  Josie sees me this way.  That makes me feel so good.  I see a little of who I used to be in this picture but if I'm honest I like the person I am now.  I've seen joy and sorrow and they've helped me become more than who I was before.  I would not trade either.  Without the sorrow I would have missed out on the joy of Marie... and she was worth the sorrow.  That sorrow also has made me appreciate Josephine, Sarah Kate, and Evangeline all that much more.  God gave me the sorrow.  He trusted me with it and I am humbled.  I am grateful.

My blog has been quiet the last several months.  I didn't know what to say.  Somehow, int he last few weeks I am feeling more whole.  More sure of myself and who I am now.  I hope that I am closer to becoming who God wants me to be.  A wife, a mother, a daughter of The King.  And that is enough.

I want to write more, to share where we are on this journey.  In this healing process.  In this life.  I know others read and I hope that my being transparent would help them in some way...  There are other mothers who read who have lost babies... I hope that somehow my words would give them hope.

Mostly right now I am feeling very grateful.  How great is our Father that He would trust me with these precious babies of His?  That He would give me a partner that would walk beside me the way that Luke does.  That He gave me such good friends to walk with.  Those I have hugged and those I know only through their words but long to hug.  And our church... 

He is turning my mourning  into gladness.  Some days are sadder, some days are happier but on a whole I feel now I am at a place in the trail where I can look back and see the valley I have walked through these last years.  Seeing the valley must mean that I am beginning to rise out of it, right?  I must be gaining ground.  Although sometimes I feel I am slipping it is not all the time.  How great Thou art! 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings, the joys and the sorrows....

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Vist Beki's blog The Rusted Chain to join in!

Excuse the poor quality of the photos, I took them on my phone.  It was the only thing I had on hand when I was greeted with the most beautiful smiles this morning!  God is so good!

 Eva's smiles this morning have had this song stuck in my head all day and that is a beautiful thing!  I need more joy filled words in my life!

"Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you..."
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."   Bob Marley

One month...

One month ago today I met Evangeline.  I cannot believe how quickly the time passes.  She is just something.  We are all pretty taken with her. 

In one months time we have learned that she has a little bit of a temper.  She can't stand having her diapers wet.  She enjoys baths.  She wants to be held.  All. The. Time.  Evangeline is a good sleeper, and a wonderful nurser, and we are so blessed with her.

In one months time I have learned...

Having Eva here makes me miss Marie more.  Who would she be?  What sort of big sister would she be?  My heart longs to see all of my daughters together.

Our family has changed.  Our day to day life is so different, we are blessed by two little ladies who will never know the day to day with their sister.  Life is different now, we are different now.  It feels like it's been so long sometimes since Marie's been gone.  It makes me sad, but at the same time I acknowledge that this progression of time is unavoidable.  Even if Marie were here our family would be different, we would be different than we were two years ago.  And I hate to think of the struggles she may have faced as life moved forward. 

In the last month I have learned that having two little girls 25 months apart is a little demanding.  Sarah is still pretty little and Eva is pretty impatient.  Josie and Marie were three years apart, and Jo was potty trained when Rie was born.  The three year spacing is definitely easier.

It feels like corn harvest is never going to end.

I have learned that I still really need to pay attention to what Josie is up to.  She lost her coat and I spent the week tearing the house apart because we were certain it was somewhere at home.  Totally neurotic, looking under beds tearing the house apart.  Turns out the coat was at church.  Josie needs watching.

I already knew this but I am remembering it now.  The miracle blanket is a miracle.


One month, God is so Good.  All the time, even when it hurts.