39 weeks... the hard way.

Today it is official.  I am one week from my due date.

And I haven't had much time to think about it.  Last week Josie brought home a nasty head cold.  Friday Sarah really seemed to catch it and by Sunday evening we knew something was up.  A long night Sunday and a doctor appointment Monday and it was confirmed Sarah has croup.  I have been up nights with her and busy days with her just trying to get through it.  I've never had a little one with croup before.  Her cough is better now, not as barky, but the steroid pills they put her on are terrible.  She's cranky, they taste terrible, I'm tired.  It's not a great combination.  She's still really not feeling good but we are seeing some improvement.

Luke worked 15 hours yesterday.  He was literally not home at all.  He's trying to get all the wheat sown way up north.  They just finished section 11 and Tolstrip... on to Barnika's today and back to the farm place tomorrow.  As soon as he's done with that it's time to start picking up the millet they swathed the beginning of the month.  There are three and a half fields, or another three days of work there.  He hasn't been home since Friday when they were able to start sowing wheat again.

We are a little overwhelmed.  I don't like this journal because it sounds like I'm complaining.  Really I'm not, we're blessed.  Blessed to be expecting, blessed that Sarah is strong enough to cough hard and fight this virus, blessed that Luke has work and we are provided for.  The truth is though that we have a lot going on!

Josie is struggling.  Anxiety is something she deals with all the time but lately it's been worse.  She has a hard teacher this year.  Last year she had a very sweet teacher who mothered her, this year her teacher is really pushing personal responsibility.  It is hard for my sensitive, anxious girl some days.  So there's been that too.  We really just need to get through the year with this teacher... and there's a lesson in it for her.  About how it's not always easy with other's in this world.  I just hate to see her worry over school.

 I am so glad that I don't have to worry about Marie getting this virus that Sarah is fighting.  She just couldn't cough.  Then I feel guilty about  being relieved about that because it means she 's not here.  And I miss her and wish she was here but I am so grateful for Heaven...

So we've hit 39 weeks but the last week has been hard. My next doctor appointment is Monday and my due date is Wednesday, the 5th.  I will talk to the doctor about our options for induction if/when I go over my due date.  I have had to be induced with all three of our girls so far as my labors don't progress.  After going nine days over with Sarah I am going to ask they not let me go past 41 weeks this time.  Poor Sarah was starving at birth, her skin was cracked, and there was meconium in her fluid so her lungs were compromised.  She just baked too long and I would like to avoid that with this little one if I can.  That and the hospital is an hour and forty minuets from here so it would be comforting to have some sort of plan. 

Please continue to lift Abigail up in your prayers as she is still fighting pneumonia...

Prayers for Abigail...

Please take a moment of your day and say a prayer for sweet Abigail...  She is sick and fighting the beginning of pneumonia.  Please pray that she do well with treatments, this does not set her little body back, and can avoid getting any sicker. 

Marie was hospitalized for pneumonia and they were some of Luke and I's scariest days.  Thank you so much!!!

Prayer request...

Please pray for Abigail.  She is going through a hard time right now and my heart just breaks for her.  I wish there was more I could do but I know that prayer is powerful and it's what she needs most right now.  If you are moved please leave her parents your words of support.

Lord- please bring Abigail comfort, please bring her parents peace and the ability to accept your will.  Please guide the doctors and open their hearts to compassion.  You have a perfect plan for your beautiful Abigail, and we trust in you.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Living after...

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  It was hard.  Anniversaries are hard.  And my second Mother's Day without Marie here was difficult.

Josie was so excited and gave me a necklace she had made in art along with a folder of coupons, a card, bookmarks, and a picture all talking about how much she loved me.  Sarah was a stinker, but that's sort of what she's into right now.  The terrible two's have hit my little princess early.  Josie made a frame in Sunday school with her picture in it. 

I kept thinking, Marie would have sung in church.  Marie would have made a foam picture frame for me and I would see her face smiling back.  Marie would have some craft she might have made, Marie in a summer dress and sandals, Marie in her Daddy's arms, the farmer's daughter... if Marie was healthy.  If Marie had been doing well enough to go to church.  If Marie felt good it would have been a very good day.  Because in my mind Marie is always as she should have been, and it is because I know she is healed.

Luke worked hard to make the day special.  He did dishes, made lunch, changed stinky diapers.  I sobbed in the car going to the cemetery...  We do it every Sunday but yesterday was hard.  Because I want her in my arms.  I want the rest of the world to see that I have three little girls and they're beautiful.  I want to kiss and cuddle little knees and feet that would be getting kissed golden by the sun because the weathers been so warm.  I can't equate the child that I love, the one that I fought for, prayed for, cried for, would have died for... I can match her up with the cold stone...

Sometimes it all still feels to horrible to have happened.  And it's been a year and half and I think people get sick of my carrying it with me.  But I can't put it down.  It's my cross, the one God gave me.  And I am better at dealing with it now but the pain hasn't changed.  It's deep, in my gut, it pierces my lungs, and it crushes my heart.  And it still feels the same as it did the day that I saw her last, just sleeping.  But she wasn't, she was gone Home.  And that's what I carry.

And I'm pregnant.  And I am so filled with worries.  Having another baby after having buried one is different.

With Josie I was so blissfully ignorant, nothing bad would happen.  With Marie I was too... through her pregnancy I was just so exited to meet her.  At my 20 week ultrasound she was shy, and so we didn't know if we would be having a boy or a girl.  I remember praying a few days before she was born "Lord, please let it be a little girl".  I was so in love with her name, Marie Isabel.  In my mind I saw a dark haired girl, eyes snapping.  And she was.  But I don't know that I ever prayed for Josie and Marie to be healthy.  I was naive and I just believed that they would be, that nothing horrible could happen to me.

And then we found out about Sarah.  And I prayed.  I prayed that she thrive, it felt like too much to ask God to make her healthy.  I just prayed that this child would thrive.  And she does.  She was a surprise too, at the ultrasound the cord was between her legs.  And there she was, another girl and I was in awe of her but worries of Marie were heavy on my heart.  We barely rejoiced at Sarah's birth and despite that she carried us through the darkest days I have known.

And now this baby.  I am 18 1/2 weeks along.  The beginning was scary, they were so cautious because my blood work was off and my numbers were too high.  There was the ultrasound where I saw the two circles, two lives so tiny their heart beats couldn't even be seen.  And then the next ultrasound when there was only one baby.  And I have been sicker, and I haven't gained any weight.  And I felt this baby move later than the others and because I know the dark, I know the fear, I know the weight, I know that bad can happen I worry.  Do I feel this baby move later for some reason?  Is this baby okay?  And I pray.  "Lord, please let this baby healthy".  Somehow now I'm brave enough to ask for that.  A healthy baby.  I ask God to let it grow, let it thrive, let it's life be used for His Glory.  But I'm terrified.  I don't know that I could loose another.  It's too much to consider so I try to avoid the thought.

Carrying a child after you have buried one is different.  There is joy there but so much worry.  Because I know now, I have seen with my own eyes how fragile our children are.  How fragile our lives are.  I understand fully that this child is not my own, it is only with me for me to love while I can.  And I don't want to let it go, let another go, ever.  Because the hugs that I cannot give to Marie make my arms hurt and I don't know that I can handle any more pain.

Every day I seem to do battle with this fear, this worry.  Every day I feel like I could sink into it.  Instead I just want to be happy.  I want to delight in this gift.  I know so many who haven't had one child, let alone the four I have been blessed with...  and I want to have joy.  So every day I feel like I fight for joy against my worry...

It's different living after the loss of a child.  Even though she's not lost, I know just where she is it's not here.  And that is the hardest thing...

Prayer request...

Please pray for Abigail.  She is having a really hard time lately and could use to be lifted up.  I think for their family the most helpful would be just to ask for comfort, peace, guidance for the doctors that Abigail see's, and that her vomiting and pain lessen.  Poor sweetheart!  She is so strong in smiling through all of this!

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join!

My fingerprint this week came on Wednesday.  Late Wednesday evening my tiny 5 1/2 pound niece made her appearance 7 weeks early (she couldn't wait, I think she must have wanted to come when the crocus were blooming).  They are in a good hospital and there are doctors there who have so much experiance in caring for her tiny body and immature lungs.  We are praying that she grow strong and healthy and can come home soon!

I am grateful for a Good God who gives us the technology and knowlege to care for these tiny babies that come too early.

Thank you Lord for those things so that they may care for tiny M and help her to grow and thrive!  Guide the doctors hands Father!  Hold her close and make her strong! 

(On a side note, Little M is absolutely beautiful with all this dark hair like another dark haired Princess I know, and I am so incredibly excited to get to meet her!)

Calling for prayers...

For my friend Clarissa.  She is having some complications with her baby and is hospitalized right now.  Please lift her up and ask for comfort and peace! 

Please continue praying...

Please if you can find the time today visit Abigail's site.  She continues to fight a fever and now is struggling with a nasty cough.  Like Marie, Abigail's body does not have the resources to fight a virus well.  Please pray for her, and for strength for her parents.

Thank you,

Shan

Fingerprint Friday and an urgent prayer request!

First and foremost, please pray for Princess Abigail.  Little Miss is fighting a nasty bug and having a very rough time today!  Also, please visit her CaringBridge page and leave her family some words of support.  Let them know you are praying!  They are going through so much right now and every time we have struggled your words have given us strength and helped us carry one.  Let's do the same for them!

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join.

This week my fingerprint is the snapshots of our life.  Nothing too fancy, just the day to day of us.  I treasure the routine.  After being on a roller coaster with Marie and our days being dictated by worry and wondering when the bottom would all fall out I promised God I would never complain about boredom again. 

So, here's to the same ol', same ol'.  The dishes in the sink, the walk that needs shoveled, the laundry that needs folded and the day to day.  I am so grateful today that Princess Marie dances in Heaven and no matter how much I miss her, I am so glad I don't have to worry for her anymore.

Playing in the snow the beginning of this month...

Marie's photo in the dining room and an angel someone gave us when she went Home.  I like having the photo there.  From where I sit it's almost as if she's at the table with us.

All diva, all the time.

Silly...

Driving Josie crazy...

The ice storm this week.  It was beautiful.  As though God had angels paint each branch.

Marie's flower covered in frost.  So delicate and like her, obviously crafted by the Master's hand.

Lord...

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Romans 8: 26-27 

For the last two days I have been trying to pray for a friend.  A wonderful woman, who is a sister in Christ but also a sister of my heart as she walks my road.  She loves a daughter like my daughter... She is so strong but life happens and her feet have been knocked from beneath her I know...  And there's nothing that anyone can do to take away the hurt and the sting that I am sure she is going through and I want to do something.  Pray. 

And I have so many words in my heart and head bursting for release and I sit to pray...  All I can say is "Lord..."  And I have so much else but don't say it.  Just that one word, saying it in desperation, saying it when you don't know what else to say.  It encompasses the why?, the please, the now, how?, the miracle...

And the Book tells me it is enough.

"Lord..." 

Pray...

Ice coats everything today.  From bare branches to side streets to the steel flowers blooming in my garden.  It is cold.  The highways are slick, the roads too bad for Luke to drive the semi as he takes millet we've stored to the elevator.  There's it's sold and it rides trains east or west to big cities, to feed people, but not our grain.  Not today anyway.  Tomorrow he will haul again.

And the ice brings quiet.  And time for thought.  And time for reading.  Today I was reading the writings of Ann Voskamp.  Her words bring a peace to my soul.  She talked about praying.  She wrote the words “The only thing that prevents me from praying more is me.”

I hang my head with her, ashamed.  I want to commune with Jesus, I long to lay my head at the Lord's feet and find the stillness there.  So why don't I do it more?  It is my own fault.  Because I feel the toys need gathering, the counters wiped down, the washing machine filled and emptied again.  This morning I made time for a tea party with my littlest princess, but I did not make time for my God.

I whisper silent one sentence prayers through a day, I pray at night asking for safety, that He guard my sleeping children.  As I think of people here and there I ask God to see to them.  But rarely am I still.  Rarely do I kneed silent before Him and listen to what He has to say.  I fill the Lords day with my words, never pausing for His.

I want to be a better woman... A better daughter.  How could I keep forgetting to spend time with my Father?  I want to sit silently and learn the lessons from He who formed the world.  The one who sees Marie before Him. 

I know I am blessed by His telling me things very clearly at times.  The Lord has put His words inside my head at times in my life telling me simply what I am to do right now.  He always stops me in my tracks and I am filled with gratitude at the presence of Him.  If I would take the time to sit quietly with Him more often would I get to hear His voice more?

I wonder, and I am humbled...  And I am going to try so very, very hard to pray more.  Or just sit, being still with God.

Fingerprint Friday... Lean...

If you would like to join in on Fingerprint Friday hosted by Beki at The Rusted Chain go here to learn how.  My fingerprint is way down at the bottom...  There's a lot of explanation in getting to it.

This week...  Hmmm.  The year is still feeling raw.  Josie is having a hard time, both in missing Marie and with friends at school.  Luke has been busy a lot helping his cousin and so I've had a good bit of quiet time on my own.  I've been feeling a little lost, a little worried for Jo, missing our Rie a lot...

I started reading the book Heaven Is For Real: A little boys astounding story of his trip to Heaven and back.  The story was written by a pastor one town over from here.  His son had a terrible bout with appendicitis, the doctors missed it and they nearly lost him.  The book is well written and it grabbed me, pulling me into the story.  Until I got to the end of chapter 4 or 5.  I can't remember which.  There the man  realizes his prayer for his son to survive, to be healed, to live, it has been answered.

The pastor ends the chapter with this: "And Jesus answered my prayer?  Personally? After I had yelled at God, chastising him, questioning his wisdom and his faithfulness? 
Why would God even answer a prayer like that?  And how did I deserve his mercy?"

Right about there I put the book down and burst into tears.  Because I've been there, done that.  I have had the same prayer and God answered but not the way I hoped for.  No miraculous healing on earth for us. And I have stuggled just like that man.  I have screamed at God "why won't you let her sleep, why can't she have some peace?"  I have begged to God "please, heal her.  I know you can.  Do something old testament and powerful Father."  I have envied.  The woman who bled for twelve years and was healed by just grasping Jesus' robe?  Why was she lucky enough to be there?  If I could have touched that robe I would have asked nothing for me, but healing for my daughter.  The girl that Jesus brought back to life?  Why not my child?  I have cried "Lord, where are you?  Why are we so lost?".  I have believed, clinging to the Truth as it's been taught to me until my knuckles have all but bled.  I have put so much effort into accepting His will, but my child is gone.  She is in Heaven and I can't touch her, see her, kiss her.  And that is hard, because I can't.  And this pastor can, why him?  Why not me? 


One morning in August, in the middle of our big bed, the Lord was in my house.  He picked up my little girl and he brought her Home.  Home to Heaven.  And I KNOW He healed her.  I know she is safe, and where she is it is better than here.  I'm so happy for her.  But the ache is because she is not here.  My prayers for healing were answered, but that answer required that my little girl go to another place.  And we were left here still, left without her.  And I know it's temporary, but man.  When you are in the trenches of grief it feels like it's going to be a very, very long time.

And this man's prayer was answered.  Just as he had asked.  Mine was answered too, but not like I wanted it to be.  And I am maybe a little jealous of that.

So in tears I grabbed the phone and called my Pastor.  Because he has answers.  He listens to me, and he doesnt' judge.  And I was weak and I needed something lean on. 

I asked him if he'd read the book.  He said he had.  I asked him if he thought it was a good idea for me to read it.  He told me no, don't finish it.  He explained the story is based on that families experience and their son's life, and that boy has his own purpose.  The book is written on that singular touch with  God.  It can't be related to mine, to my daughter, to our family.  Marie's purpose was not the same. 

And I'm not going to finish the book.

Not because it isn't a good book.  I think it is, it has a good message.  I question some of it, wonder if the story hasn't been distorted a little by this world. But the story is good and hopefully it reaches someone and brings them to, or back to their faith.  But it's not for me.

My fingerprint today?  My Pastor.  Who was just a phone call away and there when I needed him.  And our church, our church family who has been so consistently there.  We are really blessed in that.  That support. 

What do people do when they go through hard things without a church to lean on?  A pastor to lean on?  That must be really difficult.  

So my fingerprint today it my Pastor.  Thank you.  And my fingerprint is a prayer, "Lord, please help all your children to find your church and help them to call it home.  Please let them find the blessings I have found there.  Please let them see the importance of gathering together and spending time in your house.  And thank you for giving that gift to me.  In Jesus name, Amen".

Calling all Prayer Warriors!!!

Please be in prayer for sweet Abigail!  She is having a very rough time now... she has slept only a handful of hours since Monday night.  She is exhausted and completely out of it.  She cannot get comfortable, cannot sleep, cannot seem to find any relief from her suffering.  The precious girls is only three years old... far to little to know such sorrow.

Please pray God grant Abigail peaceful healing sleep. Please pray for strength for her mother and father as they are terrified, please pray for comfort for her brothers and sister as they are so young.  We already know the Lord holds Abigail in His arms, that He is carrying her and that all of this is being done for His purpose.  Please pray for acceptance of God's will for Abigail whatever that may be.  Please left them up and hold them close to your heart...

We have walked in this exact place with Marie... even the ache of being without her cannot compare to the anguish of watching her suffer and being helpless to ease the pain. 

Please be in prayer for them...  The Lord can do such amazing things and prayer is the most powerful way to connect with Him...

Lord, grant them the peace which passes all understanding...

Flying time...

Time is just flying.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that summer is already upon us.  The usual things are happening, the wheat is changing colors.  There are thunderstorms and swimming lessons.  Gymnastics practice, grilling out and eating on the patio.  Time is passing and in the way it does it everything feels so normal.

Then I look around and one face is missing from my life.  Oh, how I miss her face.  Everyday there is some reminder of Marie's absence.  Last summer I took her to Josie's swim lessons with me.  I cuddled her as she perched atop my growing belly, I played with her as she sat in her stroller.  We would swim, get in the car and Marie and I would go and play for an hour while Josie practiced gymnastics.  We'd come home, eat lunch and I would lay down with Marie for her nap.  Marie never, ever went to sleep on her own.

Now, I tote Sarah along.  We run around, we play.  My mind will not stop going to what it would be like if Marie was here.  It was my plan that she would be, that I would have three little birds together on earth.  God's plan was different.  And every day I have to work on accepting it, praising Him for how I've been blessed, and figure out how to keep on moving.

I've been thinking a lot, and I'm thinking of doing something to remember Marie.  Something special.  I'm still figuring out how to pull it off...

Today I need to finish some book work, get a lunch packed and we're going to picnic at the park.  Then we are going to visit Luke's grandma...  It's a normal day, doing what we do... but we're just doing it without one princess.

Last night we went for a walk in the cool after the thunderstorm.  A woman on the side of the street commented how nice it was to see us (we didn't know her personally).  How nice it was that Mom, Dad, two little girls and a dog were out for a walk.  The whole family.  I wanted to scream at her.  This isn't it, this isn't all of us.  My toddler is in Heaven...  But I didn't.  I smiled, looked at my flip flops and kept walking.  Because in real life, in person, I often don't know what to say...

There's a rumour that the storms are going to hit again tonight, they're saying hail.  The "white combine" as Luke calls it because hail can ruin a crop.  Please pray the Lord saves us from that storm, but if is will is that it hails here, please pray for the strength of the farmers here.  They are so proud of what they do, feeding a nation.  Please pray for them.

Happy Tuesday all...

Prayers...

Mother's Day... I survived.  Luke was in the field so I pretended it was a Wednesday, or something.  Some normal day, not another milestone without my Little Mama...  And maybe I had a mike's hard lemonade or two... whatever, they were really good.

Tonight I'm calling for prayers for Abigail, she will have surgery again tomorrow.   My heart hurts for this beautiful child and how much she is having to endure.  Pray for her, for her parents, for her brothers and sister as this is hard for a family... may they feel the peace that passes all understanding. 

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Tuesday...

I'm asking for prayers on Tuesday.  Firstly, Miss Abigail is having surgery to have a procedure done to stop her vomiting.  Marie had the same one and it was such a blessing for her.  Please pray Abigails surgery goes well and she is able to find some relief! 

Secondly...

This girl.  This sweet, fiery, fun loving, hug giving, skirt wearing, big sister of two is going to have a second set of ear tubes placed and her tonsils out.  Please say a quick prayer for her.  It's all routine but after the last year we're a little shell shocked.  I know they do these procedures all the time, but this time they're doing them to my baby and she's a little scared...

Just don't let this fiercely competitive, mud slinging, goal defending, pretty as a picture girl know I told you that!

Say a prayer...

Miss Carly has gone home to Jesus.  I haven't followed their blog that long but this little girl was something so very, very special.  Her smile was just phenomenal...  The angels rejoiced when she arrived in Heaven, that much is certain!

Please pray for Abigail...

She's having a hard time and it breaks my heart.  You can visit her family here..  please join me in praying for comfort, guidance, and strength...

Today

Today Sarah cried all day... I'm pretty sure she's teething.  She isn't napping at all, wants held constantly, cries about everything, her fingers are always in her mouth.  I also don't know if I've shared this but Sissy Sarah has a mean temper.  The kind of temper that is a little intimidating.  Luckily the storm passes quickly and she doens't hold her anger.  It's hard to have her fussy and not feeling good though.  My mind automatically goes back in time to holding her big sister while Marie cried for hours... I couldn't put her down, she was always uncomfortable, she wasn't napping or sleeping at night, she was vomiting multiple times a day.  She was about 9 months old.  She was loosing her skills, my beautiful amazing girls body was being wracked by a disease I was struggling to understand...

Today I held Sarah while she fussed and she cried, common sence tells me she's teething, my emotions are not so rational.  I am scared...  my brain is wired to worry now, to look at things as symptoms.  When I am scared I forget to pray.  I know, it's the first thing I should be doing but I forget.  I should just pray for God's peace, guidance, protection, whatever.  Instead I go right off the deep end into the pool of worry about the unseen...  She's so little and I love her so much and I am a different mother than I was before.  I'm more careful, I hold their hands tighter, I'm more cautious.  The bad things that all mothers fear aren't just nightmares now, the things that go bump in the night have a name and I have stared into their eyes and my innocence is gone.  I'm a little harder, and a lot more protective.  I miss my ignorance but I think I appreciate things more deeply too... mostly I miss my Little Mama, my little best friend... she is irreplaceable...

I'm hoping I get over this.  I've always been a little prone to freaking out, the problem is, life has sort of allowed me to perfect it, I've elevated being obsessive and neurotic to an art form.  Now I'm exceptionally good at freaking out, with a medical knowlege that makes me very dangerous.

That said, I'm pretty sure Sarah is just teething.  Currently it's 8:30 pm MST and she's sleeping quite peacefully in her crib after pounding 8 oz of formula and then breastfeeding on top of it.  She is full of fire and I don't see the symptoms I saw when Marie began to get sick, still the mind is a tricky thing and I worry about it.  (I probably spent way too much time in my own head going over and over things.)

Of course, nothing is under my control anyway.

So today I worried and cried; I put Sarah in the baby sling and walked the dog but my face got cold so I was quick and came home. I made a doctor appointment just to make sure Sissy doesn't have an ear infection or something because I need reassurance and our doctors understand; I washed laundry, picked Josie up from school, bought fruit and half and half for my coffee, kissed my husband, read about installing ceramic tile, talked to my best friend who I know knows I'm a mess even though I didn't say anything, went to bible study and tried to pay attention, calmed down Josie and her friend Max who had had a tiff but they still love each other, ate cereal for dinner as Luke's not home and everything else seemed like too much work.  I made Josie cereal for dinner too.  I bathed my girls in our big brand new bath tub.  While I was bathing them I considered how we would have positioned Marie in the tub on her bath pillow, how I would have helped her sit upright more, I remembered how much she loved her baths.  Meanwhile, Sarah sat up in the tub all by herself... Today I prayed for Josie, kissed her forehead and told her goodnight.  I told Marie's picture goodnight and kissed her too... I nursed Sarah to sleep because that's how I roll and I think it must be a myth that they can soothe themselves to sleep anyway...  Today I made it through.  Today I survived. 

I'm going to work on remembering to pray more when I am scared and it all seems out of control...  I'm going to work on memorizing my new favorite verse and then say it over and over and over again to myself when I have days like today...

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Being a mother....

A friend of mine posted this on her son's Caring Bridge site...  It is amazingly true.  Though my day no longer consists of feeding schedules or meds schedules I am haunted by their absence.  There is rarely a noon, 5pm, or 9pm that doesn't go by that my thought's aren't "I would be pulling meds right now", "we'd be settling in for a nap right now", "we'd be doing a bolus of water and a Hershey's kiss right now".  She was my entire day... I"m still lost without her...  Thanks Nena, and if you all can, say some prayers for Reese, and Miss Abigail who has completely stolen my heart, when you see her you will know why...

Being a Mother

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
That somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother "normal" is a matter of perspective.


Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
That somebody never learned how to program a feeding pump.


Somebody said being a mother is boring. . .
That somebody never stood over their child and prayed they would make it through the night.


Somebody said if you're a good mother your children will turn out good.
That somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.


Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices.
That somebody never yelled for their husband to, "quick run and get something to catch vomit in."


Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
That somebody never spent endless hours on the internet researching their child's condition.


Somebody said you can't love an unborn baby as much as you love one that you hold in your arms, that certain things were "meant to be."
That somebody never lost a baby.


Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
That somebody has never been handed a diagnosis for which no books have ever been written.


Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
That somebody never watched her baby get wheeled into the O.R.


Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
That somebody never managed a med schedule, feeding schedule, nebulizer schedule, therapy and doctor schedule.


Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
That somebody never had children who may never leave home. And if they do leave home, be it a home on earth or to a home in heaven, that child will never stop being a part of a mother's very being.


Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
That somebody isn't a mother. And that person doesn't know that a child can say volumes with their eyes or body language even if their lips never utter a single word.