The weeks since Marie turned one have been difficult. She is progressing to quickly, every week brings new things, never happy milestones. I struggle to find words when I speak out loud about all of this, how do you talk about it?
Days go by, and it's strange how normal continues to define itself. Luke mentioned that we are in this continuous mourning process. We are. First we mourned her when we discovered she was sick, then we mourned that she was loosing some skills, then we mourned that she seemed to be uncomfortable, we mourned her no longer being able to nourish herself, we mourned the loss of strength in her body, then we mourned the loss of her voice... we just loose things, bit by bit. What astounds me is this, regardless of how much we loose there is still so much left. I have discovered new things to rejoice in.
Marie does this thing, eyes wide she raises her eyebrows up, it looks like a surprised face. She gives it to Josie a lot. Marie loves to nurse, even now when she's not very good at it it is her favorite thing. I am her lovey, I love how that feels. She is still ticklish everywhere. Her forehead is ticklish, who has a ticklish forehead? Such tiny things, but they are so important. They are Marie. She is such a blessing.
My friend Sarah called yesterday, she is due to have a baby very soon. Together she and her husband have decided to do something wonderful. If they have a girl she will have the middle name Marie. I get choked up thinking about it. This is such a huge gift to Luke and Josie and I. What an amazing way to honor my girl... Of course, Sarah knows that now that I know this, if she has a boy I am never speaking to her again;)
My life has changed so much in the last year, I've been going over that a lot lately. I would not change it now though, even if I could. I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, and two beautiful girls, and Luke. I have a lot to be grateful for, I just need to be better at remembering all of it!