Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Such big stuff!

Little Miss is getting to be such big stuff that is!  As of Saturday she is crawling!
I am so amazed by how she grows and how quickly she changes.  In many ways Luke and I are like first time parents all over again.

With Josie we didn't fully appriciate the miracle before our eyes.  With Marie we struggled so hard.  From 5 months of age on things were hard and we fought for every little thing.  Those struggles made every joy so much sweeter, and it is one of the many gifts we gained by having Marie in our lives.

Now with Sarah, she is crawling. She is cutting teeth (we're up to three now).  It is a blessing and an answered prayer.  She is beginning to pull up, move around, explore the world around her.  It comes so easily to her.  Bittersweet to see her doing things Marie never could and yet it is such a special thing to know how precious this growth is and not be worried.  To just enjoy her getting bigger, doing new things.  It's fun.  And so is she. 

Friday, May 21, 2010

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God

So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join in.

The sunshine Pictures, Images and Photos
God's Fingerprint in my life? Today the sun is shining.  I feel okay.  Tree's are leafing out, flowers are blooming.  We are going to go outside...  Today will be a good day.


Thursday, May 20, 2010

These days...

These days Sarah is teething really hard.  Her top two teeth are nearly out.  Earlier this week she refused to nurse they hurt so badly.  Luckily I have some great friends who've been there to provide support and make me feel less crazy.

Yesterday Josie went to the dairy for her fieldtrip.  It was muddy and loud but I'm glad I got to go and be with her at school.  Fun to do, but so different from how my days used to be.  Would I have left Marie to do it? Who would have stayed with her?  It feels strange to be out of the house so much more now, though I am still a huge homebody.  Before Marie was born I never was, I liked being on the go.  Now, I prefer to be home.  Still, it was fun to be able to be with Josie for her very first field trip.

I am not sleeping well at all lately.  Sarah wakes up to nurse once in the night still, but lately I can't go back to sleep after I feed her.  I'm struggling to quiet the thoughts in my head.  At night everything hurts more.  I miss Marie more.  Her absence is huge then, because she slept right next to me.  Every single night.

Lately I've been having a hard time with big questions.  I mostly just try to use it as a reminder to pray.  Still, it's hard.  Hard not to wonder why my life is taking the path it is.  Does God really think I'm strong enough?  Why my child?  I need to remember, He didn't make the hurricane, but He uses it.  I need to let this hurricane, this storm in my life create good in me.  I need to steer away from self pity and count my blessings, I need to not blame God but rejoice in Him for all He's done.  He didn't take her away, He healed her.  She's not gone, I know where she is.

I need to just trust.  Trust is hard to do.  The world feels so uncertain, it's hard to silence the doubts and fears that plague us.  Trust I must though.  I know where my daughter is, I know where my Jesus is.  Nothing else should matter.  The other day I read that "Hell works hardest on God's saints".  I am far from a saint.  Still, is it that the enemy is working harder on me because I'm striving to be closer to God?  I know that satan is the cause of all the doubts in my head, the second guessing, the wish-I-would-have's.  I try to say what I've taught Josie to say, "stay away from me satan, I belong to Jesus". 

This season of grief feels very different from what I've walked through before.  When I wake in the morning I no longer have to remember that this is real.  Marie is in Heaven now.  I don't look for her face and so I'm not disappointed when I don't see her.  This season of grief is more about myself, as selfish as that sounds.  I'm not going through "why Marie" anymore.  God's given me peace about that.  Now it's more of a "are we really moving forward", "how can I do this", "how do I be mother to a child not present", "was I good enough"?  And that last one is the biggest that I struggle with.  By nature I am a person who blames myself.  I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. 

Life just feels unsettled again, as it will I suppose.  I'm not good at change and like it or not time changes things.  I don't really care for time.  It's a man-made thing.  I don't think there is any time in Heaven... 

So... that's what it's like these days.  On this day I really should get moving.  I have a lot of chores that must be done, and Sarah is napping.  My fierce strong little bundle of energy doesn't like it when I pay attention to other things instead of her.  Thank God for our Sarah!  Josie too of course.  The last day of school is next Thursday.  When I tell you I'm looking forward to having my little girl back it's an understatement.  School has been wonderful but I don't like sharing her, I want her all to myself for a few months, I can't wait!

Monday, May 17, 2010


It's her very first field day today...
It is really hard to get pictures of her smiling a real smile now.  She just poses the moment she sees my camera.

It's quiet with Sarah napping this morning.

I spent some time with Marie this morning, watching video of her last summer.  We were too busy loving on her to take many but I have a few good ones.  I can't watch them often because they make my heart hurt.

We got an inch of rain this weekend.

It's finally going to hit 70 here today.

I have some bachelor button seed to put in the ground and I need to mow the lawn but it's too wet out for that just yet.

Sarah and I will walk cross town after lunch and watch Josie doing the field day activities.  It's going to be a nice day for a walk I think.

I need to buy milk.

I'm having a harder time lately...  grief is cyclical.  I don't like Little Mama being gone this long.  I've started having this horrible feeling that I've forgotten something every time I leave the house again.  I haven't forgotten anything, it's just leaving without Marie that is getting to me.

Josie is all better, throat is good as new.  She can hear us whisper now, praise God!  It's so nice to have her back, it was sad when she couldn't hear very much because of the fluid in her ears.  The tubes are working!

I'm going to bake these this week.

Eight months.  Eight months of kisses and cuddles from Sarah, eight months of watching her grown and do new things.  Eight months of getting to know her. 

Eight months.  Without holding my Marie to sleep at night.  Eight months of not painting her finger and toenails.  Eight months without any smiles from her.  Eight months of an empty space.  Eight months of not feeling like myself.  Eight months without our Number Two bossing everybody around.  Eight months... since she's been healed and free from a body that she couldn't control.  Thank you God...  but I miss her.


Friday, May 14, 2010

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God

So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join in.

In my life... God's fingerprints are sometimes hard to see.  Of course, in the right light they are crystal clear, but sometimes the sorrow shuts them out.  The feeling of being overwhelmed, alone, intimidated by our circumstance.  And then I'm reminded with startling clarity.

When I was pregnant I prayed and prayed.  Daily, over and over, I would simply pray "Lord, please let this baby thrive".

He has answered my prayer.  

She is full of life, seizing it with both hands to explore her surroundings.  I have been in a place where I had to open my childs hand, to place a toy in it and help her to move it.  She relied on me to brush her hair from her eyes, to lift the spoon to her mouth.  She explored the world with here eyes because she could not control her hands and my heart broke for her over and over again.

For Sarah to be able to reach, to grab, to hold on... even when naughty I rejoice.  I praise God that by His grace we have a child that can scream, cry, make messes.  Tear up my plants, throw her sippy cup off her high chair over twenty times in the course of one dinner.  She is able to grab what she wants and it it is miraculous.  To see her hold her own head up strong and move where she would like to go I am humbled.  And I am blessed.

She is thriving and I am grateful.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Just this...

I don't have much today.  Just this, this perfect girl.  The beautiful, beautiful little princess... who I miss.  Very, very much.

I could stare at that face for hours... God made her so beautiful...


Sunday, May 09, 2010


Mother's Day... I survived.  Luke was in the field so I pretended it was a Wednesday, or something.  Some normal day, not another milestone without my Little Mama...  And maybe I had a mike's hard lemonade or two... whatever, they were really good.

Tonight I'm calling for prayers for Abigail, she will have surgery again tomorrow.   My heart hurts for this beautiful child and how much she is having to endure.  Pray for her, for her parents, for her brothers and sister as this is hard for a family... may they feel the peace that passes all understanding. 

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Friday, May 07, 2010


I'm standing here looking back at another week.  It was hard.  Hard to see Josie hurting, not herself.  Not feeling good and so the things that are sad, they were sadder somehow.  She is feeling better slowly, but still she is needing my time.  This week passed so quickly, I was sort of afraid it would.  I'm not looking forward to the weekend, to Sunday...

Mother's Day is coming.  How I have dreaded this day....What can Mother's Day be now?  How can it be celebrated when one of my children is not here... what would I like for Mother's Day this year?

I would like three sets of blue eyes to look back at me when I yell "girls!".  I would like three piles of clothes when I fold laundry.  I would like two car seats and booster seat in my car.  I would like to make dinner and step over three little helpers all in the kitchen.  I would like to tuck three in, and make three breakfast.

I would like to fall asleep holding a hand with fingernails painted pink, counting the dimples of her knuckles, kissing the arches of her feet.  I would like to comb brown hair and untangle curls on her neck along with the two blond heads I brush now...  I would like Marie here, healthy and happy thank you.  I would like it this instant.

Because of His will, His glorious will that I don't understand, that I submit to, that I try to praise loudly, I have two little ladies here and one princess in Heaven.  What would I like for Mother's Day?  I think I would like very much for Jesus to come back now.  That way we could all be together.  I would like to kiss His feet, sing His praises, gather all my girls into my arms and let the sorrows of this world fall away.

Josie hurts... her throat hurts, her heart hurts.  This is the child who's birth made me mother.  She caused me to grow up, to put her first, to fall in love all over again with the man God chose to be her father.  She brought me to faith, she brought me to my wits end.  My beautiful girl and my words fail at how much I love her.  With Josie I learned how to care for a baby, how to reason with a toddler, how to kiss scrapes and how to make the perfect chocolate milk.  Together we have rejoiced, laughed, cried... She is mighty, a force of nature, a burst of light and sound.  A whirlwind of bright colors and ringing bells.  She is golden hair and sun kissed skin, pink lips and nail polish.  She is a fashionista, a remember-head, an artist... she is myself all over again and sometimes she frightens me just a little bit.  Josie has been there for everything that really matters in my life and I am blessed by her.

Marie... my second child.  The planned child... the biggest surprise.  Fast to smile, bossy, sassy, fun loving, a daredevil, my cuddler, the one who needed me.  I was her voice, her arms, her hands, her advocate, her fiercest defender...  In return I got so much.  Josie brought me to faith, Marie taught me what faith means.  That screaming feeling in your chest, clutching with your fingernails, holding on, fighting.  And then God said, "I need this one back".  And really how can you argue with Him?  He made her so wonderful and shared her with me for a little while, I understand Him wanting her home.  And I PRAISE Him!  I rejoice in His will, His decision to heal her and bring her home.  His fierce love for her that He sent His son to die, so that Marie might live.  Oh. Lord... when it comes to Marie I am so grateful.  Grateful that I was trusted with her... she changed me the most and my heart aches with nearly every breath at being apart... but the knowledge that I will be with her again is enough.  Enough to keep me going.

And then there was Sarah.  She arrived and I was a mother of three.  How could we have know she and her sister were just crossing paths...  She was God's plan.  Not ours.  Another surprise.  She brought us to a place where we looked into the future again.  Her needs and her smiles have pulled me forward when I wanted to lay down and beg God to carry me Home as well.  There is something special in this child, a fiery temper but a sweetness that words cannot explain.  She is loud, feisty, picky, silly.  She is an aggresive baby.  Yet when I'm sad she will look at me and give me the sweetest smile with the most knowing look.  She is smart, strong, defiant, adorable... God knew we would need her
I am a mother.  A mother of three.  A mother who has lost a child.  I'm a mother who tries and fails often.  I'm a mother with a baby on my hip, a strong willed child holding my hand although she thinks she doesn't need to anymore... A mother with a hold in my heart that will not heal.  I'm just learning to live around that pain.

I hope when my girls look back at me, in my youth, in my years of raising them they will think, "our mother was a woman of God", that she loved Jesus...  Because if I've learned anything in being a mother its that nothing else really matters, just Jesus.  No other thing I do as a mother is nearly as important as leading my children directly to Him.  Because of Him though my heart is broken I have hope, and they have hope... and that is what is really important... 

Monday, May 03, 2010


I'm asking for prayers on Tuesday.  Firstly, Miss Abigail is having surgery to have a procedure done to stop her vomiting.  Marie had the same one and it was such a blessing for her.  Please pray Abigails surgery goes well and she is able to find some relief! 


This girl.  This sweet, fiery, fun loving, hug giving, skirt wearing, big sister of two is going to have a second set of ear tubes placed and her tonsils out.  Please say a quick prayer for her.  It's all routine but after the last year we're a little shell shocked.  I know they do these procedures all the time, but this time they're doing them to my baby and she's a little scared...
Just don't let this fiercely competitive, mud slinging, goal defending, pretty as a picture girl know I told you that!