These days Sarah is teething really hard. Her top two teeth are nearly out. Earlier this week she refused to nurse they hurt so badly. Luckily I have some great friends who've been there to provide support and make me feel less crazy.
Yesterday Josie went to the dairy for her fieldtrip. It was muddy and loud but I'm glad I got to go and be with her at school. Fun to do, but so different from how my days used to be. Would I have left Marie to do it? Who would have stayed with her? It feels strange to be out of the house so much more now, though I am still a huge homebody. Before Marie was born I never was, I liked being on the go. Now, I prefer to be home. Still, it was fun to be able to be with Josie for her very first field trip.
I am not sleeping well at all lately. Sarah wakes up to nurse once in the night still, but lately I can't go back to sleep after I feed her. I'm struggling to quiet the thoughts in my head. At night everything hurts more. I miss Marie more. Her absence is huge then, because she slept right next to me. Every single night.
Lately I've been having a hard time with big questions. I mostly just try to use it as a reminder to pray. Still, it's hard. Hard not to wonder why my life is taking the path it is. Does God really think I'm strong enough? Why my child? I need to remember, He didn't make the hurricane, but He uses it. I need to let this hurricane, this storm in my life create good in me. I need to steer away from self pity and count my blessings, I need to not blame God but rejoice in Him for all He's done. He didn't take her away, He healed her. She's not gone, I know where she is.
I need to just trust. Trust is hard to do. The world feels so uncertain, it's hard to silence the doubts and fears that plague us. Trust I must though. I know where my daughter is, I know where my Jesus is. Nothing else should matter. The other day I read that "Hell works hardest on God's saints". I am far from a saint. Still, is it that the enemy is working harder on me because I'm striving to be closer to God? I know that satan is the cause of all the doubts in my head, the second guessing, the wish-I-would-have's. I try to say what I've taught Josie to say, "stay away from me satan, I belong to Jesus".
This season of grief feels very different from what I've walked through before. When I wake in the morning I no longer have to remember that this is real. Marie is in Heaven now. I don't look for her face and so I'm not disappointed when I don't see her. This season of grief is more about myself, as selfish as that sounds. I'm not going through "why Marie" anymore. God's given me peace about that. Now it's more of a "are we really moving forward", "how can I do this", "how do I be mother to a child not present", "was I good enough"? And that last one is the biggest that I struggle with. By nature I am a person who blames myself. I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.
Life just feels unsettled again, as it will I suppose. I'm not good at change and like it or not time changes things. I don't really care for time. It's a man-made thing. I don't think there is any time in Heaven...
So... that's what it's like these days. On this day I really should get moving. I have a lot of chores that must be done, and Sarah is napping. My fierce strong little bundle of energy doesn't like it when I pay attention to other things instead of her. Thank God for our Sarah! Josie too of course. The last day of school is next Thursday. When I tell you I'm looking forward to having my little girl back it's an understatement. School has been wonderful but I don't like sharing her, I want her all to myself for a few months, I can't wait!