I'm standing here looking back at another week. It was hard. Hard to see Josie hurting, not herself. Not feeling good and so the things that are sad, they were sadder somehow. She is feeling better slowly, but still she is needing my time. This week passed so quickly, I was sort of afraid it would. I'm not looking forward to the weekend, to Sunday...
Mother's Day is coming. How I have dreaded this day....What can Mother's Day be now? How can it be celebrated when one of my children is not here... what would I like for Mother's Day this year?
I would like three sets of blue eyes to look back at me when I yell "girls!". I would like three piles of clothes when I fold laundry. I would like two car seats and booster seat in my car. I would like to make dinner and step over three little helpers all in the kitchen. I would like to tuck three in, and make three breakfast.
I would like to fall asleep holding a hand with fingernails painted pink, counting the dimples of her knuckles, kissing the arches of her feet. I would like to comb brown hair and untangle curls on her neck along with the two blond heads I brush now... I would like Marie here, healthy and happy thank you. I would like it this instant.
Because of His will, His glorious will that I don't understand, that I submit to, that I try to praise loudly, I have two little ladies here and one princess in Heaven. What would I like for Mother's Day? I think I would like very much for Jesus to come back now. That way we could all be together. I would like to kiss His feet, sing His praises, gather all my girls into my arms and let the sorrows of this world fall away.
Josie hurts... her throat hurts, her heart hurts. This is the child who's birth made me mother. She caused me to grow up, to put her first, to fall in love all over again with the man God chose to be her father. She brought me to faith, she brought me to my wits end. My beautiful girl and my words fail at how much I love her. With Josie I learned how to care for a baby, how to reason with a toddler, how to kiss scrapes and how to make the perfect chocolate milk. Together we have rejoiced, laughed, cried... She is mighty, a force of nature, a burst of light and sound. A whirlwind of bright colors and ringing bells. She is golden hair and sun kissed skin, pink lips and nail polish. She is a fashionista, a remember-head, an artist... she is myself all over again and sometimes she frightens me just a little bit. Josie has been there for everything that really matters in my life and I am blessed by her.
Marie... my second child. The planned child... the biggest surprise. Fast to smile, bossy, sassy, fun loving, a daredevil, my cuddler, the one who needed me. I was her voice, her arms, her hands, her advocate, her fiercest defender... In return I got so much. Josie brought me to faith, Marie taught me what faith means. That screaming feeling in your chest, clutching with your fingernails, holding on, fighting. And then God said, "I need this one back". And really how can you argue with Him? He made her so wonderful and shared her with me for a little while, I understand Him wanting her home. And I PRAISE Him! I rejoice in His will, His decision to heal her and bring her home. His fierce love for her that He sent His son to die, so that Marie might live. Oh. Lord... when it comes to Marie I am so grateful. Grateful that I was trusted with her... she changed me the most and my heart aches with nearly every breath at being apart... but the knowledge that I will be with her again is enough. Enough to keep me going.
And then there was Sarah. She arrived and I was a mother of three. How could we have know she and her sister were just crossing paths... She was God's plan. Not ours. Another surprise. She brought us to a place where we looked into the future again. Her needs and her smiles have pulled me forward when I wanted to lay down and beg God to carry me Home as well. There is something special in this child, a fiery temper but a sweetness that words cannot explain. She is loud, feisty, picky, silly. She is an aggresive baby. Yet when I'm sad she will look at me and give me the sweetest smile with the most knowing look. She is smart, strong, defiant, adorable... God knew we would need her
I am a mother. A mother of three. A mother who has lost a child. I'm a mother who tries and fails often. I'm a mother with a baby on my hip, a strong willed child holding my hand although she thinks she doesn't need to anymore... A mother with a hold in my heart that will not heal. I'm just learning to live around that pain.
I hope when my girls look back at me, in my youth, in my years of raising them they will think, "our mother was a woman of God", that she loved Jesus... Because if I've learned anything in being a mother its that nothing else really matters, just Jesus. No other thing I do as a mother is nearly as important as leading my children directly to Him. Because of Him though my heart is broken I have hope, and they have hope... and that is what is really important...