Jumbled...

Because I'm writing with a baby on my lap, because a lot is going on, because I am so disorganized these days this will be j.u.m.b.l.e.d.

I have not been writing much lately, this is because we have been on the go and I got a new cell phone that I can use for internet too...  imagine that, technology hampering creativity... sad sign of the times.

I am trying to make Josie a quilt, it's my big new do something with myself project.  I've never done it before, I haven't even started.  I just laid all the fabric out on my craft room floor...

Sarah got her six month shots, she had a nasty reaction.  It was right during Luke's family reunion, it could not have been better timing.  She also came down with a cold.  Cranky, clingy, not spleeping well.  Praise God, it's just normal kid stuff but it was such a flash back for me...  last family reunion Rie had just gone through surgery to get her g-tube, just turned one, just started having movment issues that we thought were seizures at the time... we had to start a new med to try to control them, we were told it could hamper her drive to breath.  We gave her the first dose with our Pastor at the house, praying over her and us...  March 2008 was rough, we thought we were going to loose her...  This reunion, this March, so much different... reminders of the road we walked.  I'm so glad Marie doens't have to fight that broken body anymore...

On the same note, she's not fighting anymore.  Marie is in Paradise but I miss her here... everywhere I looked my eyes searched for her everywhere...  I think people don't know what to say so they don't say anything.  We have Josie and Sarah, I want to SCREAM "I have three babies"!  I look and I see a missing stair step when I look at Josie and Sarah's blond little heads.  I want to tell people, there's a brown haired girl that fits between them and you wouldn't believe her.  You think these other two are pretty?  You should have seen that girl! She had a spirit so amazing she glowed, and it hurts so badly that she's not here that sometimes I can't breath....  Instead I fake it and smile and talk and I don't let very many people see how I really am doing... which is odd, because I can write it all down here... I just can't speak it.

The sun is shining and it's warm this week.  Yesterday after school Josie, Sissy Sarah and I went to the cemetery and sat at Marie's headstone for awhile... it felt good to be outside.There's buds on the tree that grows above her and the grass is beginning to turn green...  I sat and watched the shimmery pink and white silk roses we got her for Valentines day in the sunshine...

I am going to be thirty soon... I get annoyed when people make jokes about how young/old that is.  I feel ancient...  Like my soul has aged hundreds of years...  I don't really care how old I am anymore.

I forgot to close the garage door last night...  Cooper the super dog got in and got a can of that spray foam insulation stuff Luke had been using.  He bit into the pressurized can and it exploded all over the lawn...  At ten pm I was on my hands and knees cleaning it up out of my grass...  I couldn't stop laughing because really, who does that happen to? 

Josie was so excited for St Patricks Day, we had to plan her outfit last night.  It's rockin'.

We are going to travel to see my sisters this weekend and meet my new niece weather permitting...It is a long trip, far away.  Further than I have been in three years.  I feel like a huge sissy admitting that I am struggling with anxiety about traveling across the state away from my home.  I am scared of the world in a way I didn't used to be... So much for being a free spirit.

Sarah has the busiest hands you have ever seen...