Happy New Year...

Christmas flew by.  Eva's first, Josie's eighth, Sarah's third, our third without Marie.  It was busy, blessed, bittersweet.

Today we are holed up inside decorating gingerbread houses.  The wind is ripping around the house, they're calling for gusts up to 70 this afternoon.

 Not all of us are having a great time...

 Eva is, as always, in her sling...

Wishing you all a very blessed New Year.  May God smile on us in 2012!

How to tell...

Eva answers the eternal question.  How do you know when it's time to stop taking pictures of your baby?

"Mom, now.  Stop."

A week...

Another week and time has flown.  Thanksgiving was so nice, and Luke's been done with corn so he's been home more.  Such a blessing!

Eva will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and two months old on the 8th.  I cannot believe she's getting this big already.  Lately she seems to be all bright eyes, watching the world.  If we are lucky we get a few sweet words from her.  She is smiling more often and her huge toothless grins are priceless.

We are working our way through Advent.  I found a really wonderful set of devotions for Advent that I wanted to share.  It's just the Word.  Beautiful and simple.  We are so blessed, Advent is such an exciting season... and with Marie in Heaven the gift of Jesus is so sweet I cannot put it to words.  I appreciate it now like I never did before. 

Josie and Sarah were reading together in my laundry basket last night, it was so cute I had to grab a few pictures!

We got our tree up and Eva has been enjoying laying beneath it staring at the lights.  It's been so nice to see her noticing things more!

This verse was from our devotion last night, the words are so beautiful!  Have a blessed weekend!

Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. 2 He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; 3 a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. 4 He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth; and the coast lands wait for his law. 5 Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: 6 "I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations... Isaiah 42:1-6

Happy...

Happy is a place I once thought I would never find again... and yet somehow we're here.

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13 NIV


I look at Josie and Sarah and I see joy in their eyes...  I look at Luke and even though there's that sadness in his eyes I see happiness there too.  Right now I am feeling so incredibly blessed.  Marie is in Heaven and we all miss her so much... but we know where she is, and we'll see her again.  Until then, we have each other.  After the rough road we've traveled I think we appreciate it more...  I hope that we do.

Josie took this photo of me on Saturday.  I look at it and I see myself but in so many ways I see more than I used to be.  I am smiling... for a long time I had lost my smile.  And I look... beautiful.  I've never thought of myself in that way.  Yet in this image, captured through my daughters eyes I see the beauty that she must see.  I am strong enough to carry my children (Eva is under that blanket snuggled up in my pouch sling).  For a long time I felt weak.  I am not so old.  For a long time I felt so old.  Josie sees me this way.  That makes me feel so good.  I see a little of who I used to be in this picture but if I'm honest I like the person I am now.  I've seen joy and sorrow and they've helped me become more than who I was before.  I would not trade either.  Without the sorrow I would have missed out on the joy of Marie... and she was worth the sorrow.  That sorrow also has made me appreciate Josephine, Sarah Kate, and Evangeline all that much more.  God gave me the sorrow.  He trusted me with it and I am humbled.  I am grateful.

My blog has been quiet the last several months.  I didn't know what to say.  Somehow, int he last few weeks I am feeling more whole.  More sure of myself and who I am now.  I hope that I am closer to becoming who God wants me to be.  A wife, a mother, a daughter of The King.  And that is enough.

I want to write more, to share where we are on this journey.  In this healing process.  In this life.  I know others read and I hope that my being transparent would help them in some way...  There are other mothers who read who have lost babies... I hope that somehow my words would give them hope.

Mostly right now I am feeling very grateful.  How great is our Father that He would trust me with these precious babies of His?  That He would give me a partner that would walk beside me the way that Luke does.  That He gave me such good friends to walk with.  Those I have hugged and those I know only through their words but long to hug.  And our church... 

He is turning my mourning  into gladness.  Some days are sadder, some days are happier but on a whole I feel now I am at a place in the trail where I can look back and see the valley I have walked through these last years.  Seeing the valley must mean that I am beginning to rise out of it, right?  I must be gaining ground.  Although sometimes I feel I am slipping it is not all the time.  How great Thou art! 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings, the joys and the sorrows....

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Vist Beki's blog The Rusted Chain to join in!

Excuse the poor quality of the photos, I took them on my phone.  It was the only thing I had on hand when I was greeted with the most beautiful smiles this morning!  God is so good!

 Eva's smiles this morning have had this song stuck in my head all day and that is a beautiful thing!  I need more joy filled words in my life!

"Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you..."
Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."   Bob Marley

One month...

One month ago today I met Evangeline.  I cannot believe how quickly the time passes.  She is just something.  We are all pretty taken with her. 

In one months time we have learned that she has a little bit of a temper.  She can't stand having her diapers wet.  She enjoys baths.  She wants to be held.  All. The. Time.  Evangeline is a good sleeper, and a wonderful nurser, and we are so blessed with her.

In one months time I have learned...

Having Eva here makes me miss Marie more.  Who would she be?  What sort of big sister would she be?  My heart longs to see all of my daughters together.

Our family has changed.  Our day to day life is so different, we are blessed by two little ladies who will never know the day to day with their sister.  Life is different now, we are different now.  It feels like it's been so long sometimes since Marie's been gone.  It makes me sad, but at the same time I acknowledge that this progression of time is unavoidable.  Even if Marie were here our family would be different, we would be different than we were two years ago.  And I hate to think of the struggles she may have faced as life moved forward. 

In the last month I have learned that having two little girls 25 months apart is a little demanding.  Sarah is still pretty little and Eva is pretty impatient.  Josie and Marie were three years apart, and Jo was potty trained when Rie was born.  The three year spacing is definitely easier.

It feels like corn harvest is never going to end.

I have learned that I still really need to pay attention to what Josie is up to.  She lost her coat and I spent the week tearing the house apart because we were certain it was somewhere at home.  Totally neurotic, looking under beds tearing the house apart.  Turns out the coat was at church.  Josie needs watching.

I already knew this but I am remembering it now.  The miracle blanket is a miracle.


One month, God is so Good.  All the time, even when it hurts.

God's Child...

"From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another..." 
John 1:16 NIV 

Eva's baptism, Daddy's birthday: October 23, 2011.

Eva's Godparents, Aaron and Kendra (Luke's cousin and wife).

Eva wore the same dress beneath her gown that Marie wore when she was baptized.  The gown was worn by my father, myself and my siblings, and all our girls.

Now she is God's child...

These first days...

These first days have been such a blessing, such a gift.  There has been a lot of rocking, and cuddling.  Lots of kissing a brown little head.  Sisters have been in awe of this tiny sister, they call her "Littles" which is what Josie called Sarah when she came.  We have been enjoying the joy of it all...  It has been so different from Sarah's birth and that makes me a little sad.

We have been home, we haven't left.  Eva's first official outing was church yesterday morning.  We have been spoiled by wonderful friends bringing meals over.  We have been smiling, and sighing, and crying just a little.

This is so wonderful.  I look at Eva in awe, it's hard to believe she's really here.  The months of hoping, praying, carrying her and she's arrived safely.  Praise God!

On Thursday I got sick and had to go to the doctor.  I delivered Eva with the stomach flu and my defenses were down, recovery is tougher this time.  Thursday I had a fever and the doctor said, an infection.  Thanks to the antibiotics I am finally beginning to feel like myself.  It's been hard to not feel good when I want to just enjoy this blessed little window of time before life really picks up again.  I want to savor each and every one of these first hazy baby days.  And of course they have been bittersweet.

She is so beautiful, and she looks just like her sister. We prayed.  Josie prayed, and I prayed before she was born.  "Lord, let her look a bit like Marie".  Maybe with dark hair.  so that Eva in the coming years will have something to tie her to her sister.  She can say, I wasn't here when Marie was but I look like her.

And God answered the prayer, as He always does.  Eva looks so much like Marie my heart catches in my throat sometimes when I look at her.  What I wouldn't give to see them together... and I will.  I just have to wait for Heaven first.

Marie, March 2007

Eva...

We are just taking it easy, getting to know this new girl and enjoying this all as much as we can.  I don't know how it happened but I am just incredibly humbled by how much my Father has blessed me. 

The blonds...

Little monkey...

His arms are full...  Bittersweet. We wish that chair was more crowded.  There's still room for Marie there...

Evangeline...

"Look how she lights up the sky
Ma belle Evangeline
So far above me yet I
Know her heart belongs to only me"

October 8, 2011. 2:34pm. 8 lbs, 14 oz. 21"

Evangeline; Latin.  Meaning the good news, the Gospel.

Lucile; Latin.  Meaning: light.

Our new blessing... 

"To someone as beautiful as she
Who loves someone like me
Love always finds a way, it's true
And I love you Evangeline".  

                      Ma Belle Evangeline.