There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join.

It's been a long week.  A lot going on, a lot of emotions.  I got to share wonderful news with a friend, I have worried about Josie having trouble with friends in school again.  I have painted my house.  I have brought out my summer shoes.  We celebrated Easter... the four of us.  It was, as always, beautiful.  But so bittersweet.

I took pictures of little ladies in Easter dresses after church...  Wishing that the bench was fuller...

We went to Kansas and met our new little niece who is just beautiful... once again I took more pictures and there was an empty space...

Because Miss Marie is in Heaven and Easter marked her fourth baptismal anniversary.  Marie was baptised on Easter when the lilies covered the church.  When Christ rose, when the promise that was made in the beginning was fulfilled.  And now she celebrates Easter in Heaven which must be amazing... but I sort of miss her.

Random...

We have had so much going on lately I feel like I haven't had much time to think, let alone organize my thoughts into something that would make sense written.  Luke and I have been in the midst of finishing several projects.  The garage/shop is nearly done, it just needs painted.  The roofers are here replacing the wood shakes.  It is expensive but it couldn't be put off.  It was amazing how many wasps nests they found under those old wood shakes.  We have also been mulching the flowerbeds now that they're re-done and it looks so good.

We finally got Marie's crab apple in the ground.  We bought a "Royal Raindrop" and I hope that it blooms this season.  I will take a picture of ours soon but this is what the blooms will look like.

I've been praying for Abigail, praying for baby...

I've been up a lot at night with Sarah, her eye teeth are coming in.

I have started a new med for heartburn.  I've never had it this bad before.  It makes  me think of Marie and Abigail and what they live/lived with daily.  My heart hurts for them...

I am trying to save on groceries... and gas.  It's amazing how expensive they are!

We've been keeping house, running around, wishing it was warmer, thankful it's been raining, riding 4 wheelers in the mud with Papa, and so much more!

Fingerprint Friday: Blessed...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join!


"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21 NAS

Sitting in the doctors office we wait.  And wait.  And then through the speakers of a tiny handheld microphone we can hear it.  Beat, beat, beat.  150 of them, those precious beats.  150 beats per minuet.  And Sarah smiles and says "Dog!"  Because it does sound a little like a dog panting.

For fifteen weeks it has been growing, for fifteen weeks I have been praying.  This tiny blessing, this huge surprise.  A child within me that we didn't know we were ready for.  But God did.  And so he sent this baby.  Two actually, though one vanished back to Heaven in the early weeks.

And I hold my hands around my just swelling belly and pray... "Father please, please let this baby be healthy.  Please let this child grow, let it thrive..."  Because it's all Him, all His plan.  And if He wills it will be so.

Marie was born in a broken body but God's glory shone all over her.  Because she was broken people were healed and the miracle was seen, seen all over her because His fingerprints were all over her.

And it will be the same with this baby.  Whatever will be will be and God will give us what we need to make it through it.  Still I pray, please let this child be healthy...

And we are blessed.  By a baby coming after a storm.  Arriving at the end of the season when we sow wheat... a new season, new crop, new baby.  A baby coming in October.  And I see Luke's eyes twinkle, and I smile, and Josie sings happy, and Sarah has no idea what is about to happen to her.  And Marie... well she is with Jesus in Heaven and that is all that matters.

Because the Lord had given, and the Lord has taken away.  Things change but in the end it is God and God is love...  And blessed be the name of the Lord.

Isn't she beautiful?

Sunday night Josie lost her very first top front tooth.  She had lost both bottom front teeth before but was really excited to loose her top tooth.  The Tooth Fairy brought her some earrnings shaped like stars and covered in black rhinestones.  I was out of coins so I improvised.

She told me I was the best Tooth Fairy ever.  It was nice to see her smile that big!  Isn't she beautiful?

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join.

In the last week I have made bread.  My hands doing the work that my mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, their mother have done.  Back to the beginning.  It is time consuming but it is good for my soul.  There's something special in the act of making bread, watching it rise, watching that flour and water and yeast become...

And what a blessing things can become.  My third baby, a fireball.  How God uses her to save me over and over again.

My first blessing, her mind opening.  And her Sunday school craft to bless my dining room wall...  It is good.

The second blessing.  What I learned from her.  That being broken is a blessing.  That even while broken I can give thanks.  That God is, and God is good.  And even Jesus, on the night before they jailed him and beat him, and the day before they killed him.  He gave thanks... 

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it...
Luke 22:19 NIV

Pin-wheel...

It feels like spring has finally arrived here.  There are more flowers blooming, the trees are budding out.  Today I did my big shopping trip and at Wal-Mart got the goodies for the girls Easter baskets.

Well, first I went to the silk flowers.  I picked out a white lily for Marie that we will put in her vase Easter morning.  I picked out  white, purple (her favorite color), and blue (they match her eyes) hydrangea flowers.  I sorted through until my bouquet felt right and then Sarah carried them, even though the stems were as long as she is tall.

Then  I went to the candy.  There are so many toys, so much.  So much glitter, and cheap stuffed animals, and too much sugar.  None of it felt right.  I couldn't find the chocolate crosses I normally buy.  I had a very hard time as I sorted through the isles of stuff finding something suitable for a cemetery and a stone.  Something that won't blow away in the wind.  When Luke and Sarah found me I was nearly in tears with a silly rubber duck in an Easter hat in one hand and a plastic pin-wheel whose stem was filled with gum balls in the other.  He asked what was wrong and I really started crying then.  Right in the middle of Wal-Mart.  People looked at me I'm pretty sure.

I told him that nothing was right, nothing was right for Marie.  And I need to do something because this is it.  The one thing I can do to care for her now.  I can care for that patch of ground, that silver stone.  She isn't there but I can keep it nice, I can decorate for the seasons there.  I can do something...  I wound up getting the pin-wheel.

It's hard to know what to do sometimes so I sort of follow my gut.  I think I do the right thing.  I know it helps Josie to have Marie included in our holidays.  She likes making sure that Marie's "place" is still there.  And it is.  That empty chair at the table, the shelf with a few t-shirts and pj's on it in the closet, she is in every family portrait that's drawn, and she is everywhere here in our home that whispers memories.  There is the creaky place in the hallway I stepped on every night carrying her to bed.  I can look out the window and see her still, swinging, by a grapevine that isn't there anymore.  I can see her smiling in the swimming pool, I can see her so clearly. 

Today was a little rough.  It would be nice if stores would have a section for us lost parents... the Easter gifts for your daughter in Heaven aisle.  That would be useful.  I think the pin-wheel will be nice.  Goodness knows there's enough wind here in Eastern Colorado in the springtime to make it spin...

Prayer request...

Please pray for Abigail.  She is having a really hard time lately and could use to be lifted up.  I think for their family the most helpful would be just to ask for comfort, peace, guidance for the doctors that Abigail see's, and that her vomiting and pain lessen.  Poor sweetheart!  She is so strong in smiling through all of this!

Silent...

I haven't written much lately.  I've been quiet, and busy.  It's amazing how you get caught up in your day to day life and before you know it a week has flown by.  Honestly, time never moved that fast when Rie Rie was here and I see now that that was one of the gifts God gave us.  Life was quieter, time moved a little slower, we were able to soak her in.

And lately, it's been busy.

I've been transplanting day lilies, poppies, and mums. 

I've been watering sod and digging in soil.

I've been rocking blond headed little girls.

I've been missing Marie... but the ache is different now.

I've been going to Lenten services...  I love Lent.  It is a season of sorrow but I have learned that the best gifts are sometimes found wrapped in shrouds of pain and sadness.

I've been hanging out with Luke.

I've been praying for my niece.

I've had a million thoughts bounce around in my head and leave me wondering and questioning if I am liking who I am.  I can't shake the nagging feeling that I was a better person when Marie was here.

I have made breakfast, lunches and dinners.

I cried when the repairman came and fixed my dishwasher.  It was my birthday and it made me so happy it was fixed.  They were tears of joy.

I turned 31...

I took the girls to the doctor for well child checks and Sarah got a shot.  I also learned that Josie is short for her age.

I started sorting out summer clothes.

I wore flip flops.

I have been walking the dog.

I have been struggling with being consistent as Josie is punished.  She disobeyed and chose to ignore what she was asked to do and got in big trouble.  She is learning a lesson and I know that it is good, and best for her but it is hard to punish.

I have hugged her a lot to make up for it.

I decorated for Easter and hung a wreath with robin's eggs on the front door.  It makes me happy every time I see it.

I have been...  and time seems so fast and a little out of control.  And it's good, and it's bad.  There are things I don't want to miss but at the same time each day is one day closer to Jesus.