Confessions...

This is a blatant ripoff of Beki at The Rusted Chain...

These days I feel way too disorganized to put my thoughts into a post, or a brief essay, or any sort of meaningful expression.

It might be time to get a part time job, I sort of feel like I have the time for it.  I probably won't because the only one I would take is one that would allow me to have Sarah with me and not put her in day care at all.

I only drink caffeinated coffee, decaff seems like a waste of time.

I'm so glad that today will be warm, spring feels like a long time coming this year.

I miss Luke a lot when he's farming all day and doesn't come home for lunch.

The above statement proves how spoiled I am, that my husband almost always comes home for lunch.  Unless he's in the field.

We have a thousand acres of wheat that needs sprayed... I really hope it gets done today.

The reason why is that Josie is having surgery on May 4 for a second set of ear tubes and to get her tonsils out.  If Luke can't get the field work done he might not be able to come with me.

We don't farm organic...  If we did we wouldn't have as high a yield as we do and our country wouldn't have a surplus to help feed other countries.  That and the bottom dropped out of the wheat market, prices aren't very good and I just try not to think very much about that at all thank you.

Sarah threw up the other day and it terrified me...Marie used to throw up a lot when she first got sick.  I prayed a lot, and I think Sarah really just had a bit of a tummy bug.

When I mow the lawn, instead of putting on sunscreen I put on *suntan lotion*.  I know all about skin cancer, I see a dermatologist regularly... I don't tan in the beds either... I just like some color on my legs.

I do put sunscreen on my face, because I'm a little vain.

Whenever Luke is having a rough day I make him dessert... the other day I made these cake bars but used lemon cake mix, lemon juice instead of water and grated some lemon rind in (I didn't put any chocolate chips or nuts in them either).  I then frosted them with homemade cream cheese frosting and thought I was just about the best little housewife ever.  When given the option my guy chose ice cream over these...  that's what I get for not making something chocolate.

I'm feeling really conflicted about Josie's surgery.  It's her second set of tubes, the first was taken out by her doctors recommendation in spring 2008 when Marie was doing really badly.  I just did what they said, didn't question it.  I can't help but feel if I'd had it more together I could have prevented this.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be.

On Friday morning I will be getting a pedicure... I'm so looking forward to that.

Right now I should finish mowing the lawn...

Tonight we're having chicken stir-fry and rice... and ice cold beer.  It's good for breastfeeding ;)

Tonight Josie will pitch a fit about eating it because she's anti-chicken and anti-vegetable.  The odd thing is she's pro-dessert so she will have to eat it anyway.

I'm looking forward to going to the lake this summer, it's a place we could never take Marie because of the heat.  I feel guilty for looking forward to doing something without her.

I still look for Marie every morning when I wake up.

I don't' like days that Josie asks for oatmeal because that's what I made Marie...

I went to the cemetery this morning and saw Marie and Grandpa... it is strange to see the grass cut up on his grave but the grass almost completely back to normal on Marie's.  For some reason it really bothers me that she's been gone long enough for the grass to grow back...

I'm hoping we can eat on the patio tonight and that way we can see the sun go down... because sunsets make me feel close to Marie, because that's where Josie and I decided Heaven is.  Just behind the sunset.  Because it never gets dark there...

Say a prayer...

Miss Carly has gone home to Jesus.  I haven't followed their blog that long but this little girl was something so very, very special.  Her smile was just phenomenal...  The angels rejoiced when she arrived in Heaven, that much is certain!

Hurts...

Today I got an email from Pampers letting me know what my 38 month old should be doing right now.  

As though that thought isn't on my mind on a continuous loop throughout the day.  We'd be potty training, playing with our little sister, throwing tantrums, eating Easter candy.  We'd be snuggling to sleep every night, kissing little cheeks, marveling at those eyelashes and those turquoise eyes.  We'd be wearing ponytails in our hair, maybe I'd have even curled it for the first time.  We'd be sporting yellow toenails to match Josie, we'd have matching outfits still, chaos, noise, laughter, and life would be so right.

Instead, the reality is my 38 month old is in Heaven.  Pampers doesn't think of that when they send out the email.  That some time between the pregnant bliss of signing up for coupons and the third birthday something just might have gone terribly, irreversibly, heart-breakingly wrong.  They don't take into consideration that sometimes the fairy tale is shattered.

I finally figured out how to opt out of their emails...  just a little too late.  That. just. hurts. 

More goodby's...

Last week took me by surprise.  I was doing better, feeling a little stronger.  Feeling a little braver, more sure of myself.  Beginning to make plans for a garden this summer, running to bible study, planning to take Josie to soccer practice.  My mind on what I could make for dinner quickly, more than a little annoyed by the wind flying across these plains.  Taking delight in the wheat greening up.  Spring here is beautiful.  The wheat fields turn the green of the fields around the Emerald City, as far as you can see it is that kelly green, and then the blue sky...  Missing my Marie.  I am still shocked at how the seasons change without her, how life can possibly go on without her here bossing it all around.  Then last week came and took me by surprise.
Luke's Grandpa went to Heaven last week.

He had not been well, but still it had not slowed him down.  Monday he gardened... Tuesday Luke and I were there and praying as he took his last breath here and his first in Heaven.  I did not plan to be there.  God did.  

I don't know why.  I don't know why I was supposed to be there when Grandpa went home.  I asked Pastor later after the service, "Do you know why?"  He said maybe I was supposed to see how peacefully someone who knows and loves Jesus leaves the world.  Grandpa left like Marie did, sleeping.

I won't lie, I'm struggling with this.  Isn't there enough in our life that happened, why add one more thing to the list?  I sit still, I know He is God... He's not giving up any answers.  I was supposed to be there.

Right now Luke's Grandpa is in Heaven.  I know he was greeted there by a little girl with blue eyes and brown hair.  I can still hear his voice saying as it did so many times "Why, hello Marie".  And I bet he picked her up, and she showed him everything there is to see and they're there together listening to old country songs and looking at flowers in the most unbelievable garden.   And I miss them.  Both of them.

I never knew either of my grandfathers.  One left decades before I was born, the other right after I arrived.  I am grateful that Luke's Grandpa allowed me to see a little bit of what it's like to have one.  He really loved his Great-Granddaughters and there are so many things we think of when we think of him.  Butter crackers, gate closed!  Hello Josephine, how do you do?  "There was a little girl walking down the road and there was a big black dog and her Grandpa came and said "hey dog, leave my little girl alone".  Mouth harps, pop-goes-the-weasel, "It's nice to meet you, Sarah Kate".  He always made me feel like my cooking was really good.  Bringing Grandpa supper was one of the best things about taking food to the field during wheat harvest.  He was always really excited to see what I brought him and he always told me how good it was, even when it wasn't.   So I'm trying to concentrate just on that, the good things, and let the questions go for now...

 

First thing today...

First thing today the sun was shining...

The flowers were blooming...

A black bird was looking for breakfast in my strawberry patch...

We made our beds...

Paying special attention that all our friends were sitting just so!

Things started off pretty well...

Not all of us were awake yet...

And I was feeling pretty blessed to have this wonderful daughter with the grey-blue eyes...

And I'm always amazed by how those eyes see me...

Fingerprint Friday...

Fingerprint Friday from Beki at The Rusted Chain.  Click here to learn about God's Fingerprints and find out how to join!


This week, I can't seem to catch up.  I've got a long list of things I need to do, things I want to do, a husband in the field, a busy six year old and a baby that I cannot put down.  Add to that the Little Mama I miss every second and my buckets running over.  I had sort of a meltdown.  In the midst of my frustration and tears a scrap of a poem came to me that a wonderful lady once mentioned...

"Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby. Babies don’t keep."

Thank you Lord.  I need to get over myself and all these worries running round in my head.  Who cares if I can't put Sarah down?  Does it really make any difference if I get that laundry folded, those seeds started, that project done today?  Not really.  She's tiny and a blessing, and she's saved me.  I'll hold her all she wants and the rest of it can just go fly a kite. (And yes, I'm holding her now...)

Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!

Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat- a- cake, darling and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard and there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby. Babies don’t keep.

by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton, in Lady's Home Journal. 1938.

Easter...

Sunshine

Cousins

Egg hunt

Climb

Two buckets

Good day

Miss you...

Random thoughts...

I love, love, love this picture :)  And Easter weekend means I get to spend time with our sweet babysitter B who took such good care of Marie...

Good Friday, Maundy Thursday, Holy Week feels different this year...  The gift means more.  Can't wrap my mind around Him loving me that much but I am so grateful He loved Marie, and Josie, and Sarah that much.

I turned thirty on Wednesday.  I don't really mind, I also don't think my age matches me at all.

Marie was baptized on Easter and there is so much about this time of year that makes me think of her... her birth, her baptism, my birthday and what we did last year, matching Easter dresses last year... she was getting over being sick so Marie and I didn't go to Sunday service last year, we stayed home and played... this Sunday I'll be in church without her... even though this week is about so much more it's filled with memories.

Josie lost an earring in the swimming pool today and came totally unglued... I still am not sure if it's her being a drama queen, she really was that upset, or it's sort of an outlet for how much she misses her sister.

Luke made dinner, reubens... 

I need to go tuck Josie in...

I really am bad about drinking enough water.

There's a lot more but I'm too all over the place to organize the thoughts... It is amazing how missing Marie doesn't decrease with time... I am missing everything about that sweet girl right now and thought I know it's wonderful where she is and she can do so many things without fighting her body anymore it's really hard to be away from her...  I miss that smile, that laugh, those little feet.  I miss saying her name forty times a day, tickling her neck, playing with her curls... I miss holding her hand at night, folding her laundry, washing down her high chair after meals.  I miss silly girls making tents in the living room and hiding together for hours...  I miss how excited to she would get to read books, and how much she loved chocolate... this still feels a lot like a strangers life sometimes...