Confessions...

This is a blatant ripoff of Beki at The Rusted Chain...

These days I feel way too disorganized to put my thoughts into a post, or a brief essay, or any sort of meaningful expression.

It might be time to get a part time job, I sort of feel like I have the time for it.  I probably won't because the only one I would take is one that would allow me to have Sarah with me and not put her in day care at all.

I only drink caffeinated coffee, decaff seems like a waste of time.

I'm so glad that today will be warm, spring feels like a long time coming this year.

I miss Luke a lot when he's farming all day and doesn't come home for lunch.

The above statement proves how spoiled I am, that my husband almost always comes home for lunch.  Unless he's in the field.

We have a thousand acres of wheat that needs sprayed... I really hope it gets done today.

The reason why is that Josie is having surgery on May 4 for a second set of ear tubes and to get her tonsils out.  If Luke can't get the field work done he might not be able to come with me.

We don't farm organic...  If we did we wouldn't have as high a yield as we do and our country wouldn't have a surplus to help feed other countries.  That and the bottom dropped out of the wheat market, prices aren't very good and I just try not to think very much about that at all thank you.

Sarah threw up the other day and it terrified me...Marie used to throw up a lot when she first got sick.  I prayed a lot, and I think Sarah really just had a bit of a tummy bug.

When I mow the lawn, instead of putting on sunscreen I put on *suntan lotion*.  I know all about skin cancer, I see a dermatologist regularly... I don't tan in the beds either... I just like some color on my legs.

I do put sunscreen on my face, because I'm a little vain.

Whenever Luke is having a rough day I make him dessert... the other day I made these cake bars but used lemon cake mix, lemon juice instead of water and grated some lemon rind in (I didn't put any chocolate chips or nuts in them either).  I then frosted them with homemade cream cheese frosting and thought I was just about the best little housewife ever.  When given the option my guy chose ice cream over these...  that's what I get for not making something chocolate.

I'm feeling really conflicted about Josie's surgery.  It's her second set of tubes, the first was taken out by her doctors recommendation in spring 2008 when Marie was doing really badly.  I just did what they said, didn't question it.  I can't help but feel if I'd had it more together I could have prevented this.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be.

On Friday morning I will be getting a pedicure... I'm so looking forward to that.

Right now I should finish mowing the lawn...

Tonight we're having chicken stir-fry and rice... and ice cold beer.  It's good for breastfeeding ;)

Tonight Josie will pitch a fit about eating it because she's anti-chicken and anti-vegetable.  The odd thing is she's pro-dessert so she will have to eat it anyway.

I'm looking forward to going to the lake this summer, it's a place we could never take Marie because of the heat.  I feel guilty for looking forward to doing something without her.

I still look for Marie every morning when I wake up.

I don't' like days that Josie asks for oatmeal because that's what I made Marie...

I went to the cemetery this morning and saw Marie and Grandpa... it is strange to see the grass cut up on his grave but the grass almost completely back to normal on Marie's.  For some reason it really bothers me that she's been gone long enough for the grass to grow back...

I'm hoping we can eat on the patio tonight and that way we can see the sun go down... because sunsets make me feel close to Marie, because that's where Josie and I decided Heaven is.  Just behind the sunset.  Because it never gets dark there...