Ice coats everything today. From bare branches to side streets to the steel flowers blooming in my garden. It is cold. The highways are slick, the roads too bad for Luke to drive the semi as he takes millet we've stored to the elevator. There's it's sold and it rides trains east or west to big cities, to feed people, but not our grain. Not today anyway. Tomorrow he will haul again.
And the ice brings quiet. And time for thought. And time for reading. Today I was reading the writings of Ann Voskamp. Her words bring a peace to my soul. She talked about praying. She wrote the words “The only thing that prevents me from praying more is me.”
I hang my head with her, ashamed. I want to commune with Jesus, I long to lay my head at the Lord's feet and find the stillness there. So why don't I do it more? It is my own fault. Because I feel the toys need gathering, the counters wiped down, the washing machine filled and emptied again. This morning I made time for a tea party with my littlest princess, but I did not make time for my God.
I whisper silent one sentence prayers through a day, I pray at night asking for safety, that He guard my sleeping children. As I think of people here and there I ask God to see to them. But rarely am I still. Rarely do I kneed silent before Him and listen to what He has to say. I fill the Lords day with my words, never pausing for His.
I want to be a better woman... A better daughter. How could I keep forgetting to spend time with my Father? I want to sit silently and learn the lessons from He who formed the world. The one who sees Marie before Him.
I know I am blessed by His telling me things very clearly at times. The Lord has put His words inside my head at times in my life telling me simply what I am to do right now. He always stops me in my tracks and I am filled with gratitude at the presence of Him. If I would take the time to sit quietly with Him more often would I get to hear His voice more?
I wonder, and I am humbled... And I am going to try so very, very hard to pray more. Or just sit, being still with God.