I feel as though so much lately my heart has just felt heavy. The weight of it is something I can feel, something I have to breath around. I have so many blessings in my life but the sorrows sometimes seem to weigh more.
I have been praying... praying for Clarissa and Joey as they adjust to life with a child called Home. It reminds me of Luke and I in those days. The one's I don't fully remember the happenings but I can't forget the emotions. The weight of Marie's loss heavy in my chest. And it's still there.
I know the hurt, and I hurt still. Time takes on different significance and it keeps passing on. Soon she would have been four... and I try not to let myself but I wonder what Marie would have been at four. Blue eyes laughing? How long would her hair be? Would she still want to cuddle me or would she fight for independence? And I won't know, not this side of Heaven.
And soon she'll have been gone a whole year and a half. How does that even happen? How can it be when I just kissed her goodnight? How? I don't know and I don't like the distance when I think of it and the weight of that feeling is so heavy.
I have been trying to pray, trying to count blessings, trying to see joys and not sorrows. But it's hard. Hard when someone I have come to count among my best friends buries a baby. Hard when I wonder what I'll do when Sarah doens't have any more of Marie's hand-me-downs to wear. Hard when I bring Valentine's roses to a cememtary (complete with fairy wand) for a little girl that isn't here on earth anymore.
Hard when Josie cries... Hard when Sarah doesn't say Marie's name yet, only calling the big sister in the pictures baby.
There is so much to be thankful for, but at moments the weight of the longing is just heavy. I long for Marie but I ache for Clarissa too. That she be able to hold her little boy, that I could somehow ease the pain of it. Even in the sorrow there is beautiful... just bittersweet.
Counting the blessings...