Monday, March 21, 2011


Today I am missing our Marie like crazy.  I think it's March, with spring coming on, and memories that do it.  I think of her and how the weather getting warmer would have been so good.  We wouldn't be trapped inside for winter anymore.  I could maybe take her outside and we could sit on the steps.
Marie, March 23 2009.  Eating blue marshmallow peeps.

The last March we had Marie with us was rough.  She was in the hospital here for pneumonia, it was a scary time.  I am so glad we don't have to worry and watch her go through that anymore.  It's funny, because now I look back on that time and I am just so sad for her.  So sad that my just-two-year-old girl was in a hospital struggling for breath.  Sad that she had to fight so hard.  Sad that that's what it was like for her.  Sad that she's not here.

It's very double edged, rejoicing in where Rie is now and missing her like crazy and just longing to see her at the same time.  I feel guilty, I still struggle with not asking God "why?".  I work hard to just praise God in His infinite knowledge and power.  He had reasons for calling her home, He knows more than I do.  I cannot understand and I must trust my Good Father and He is.  God is so Good.  It's just hard, and sometimes it's a lot of work not to be angry, not to feel sorry for us.  I don't want to live that way.  I want to be content, I long to accept God's will, and I want to serve gladly, waiting for the day we are all together again.

It is so hard to, when I am missing Marie so much to think that she is four.  Four years old already!  And I don't know what she would have been like at four.  All I know is Marie with tanned skin and light brown hair at almost two and half years old.  Marie who still had some baby left in her.  Marie that I miss so much it hurts to breath sometimes.  Marie...

I miss saying her name, and I repeat it to myself now.  Just to keep it familiar on my lips.  I think of who she might be, how she would be with her sisters.  Then I have to stop myself because for Marie it would have just kept getting worse.

She was doing so good that last summer, but even then the part of her brain that controlled her breath was dying.  It would have kept dying.  It would have gotten harder for her.  I can't bear to think of what she would have had to go through and that is probably why I am so careful to praise God for her healing.  She didn't have to suffer through all those might haves.  She got to dance instead.

I just miss her.  Because she is not four.  She is still my baby, just a toddler.  And they say the pain gets better.  It doesn't.  I just get better at dealing with it.  At living with it.  No matter how much time passes I am still going to have arms that ache to hold Marie.  The rest of my life will be that way.

I just have to work at being glad despite it.  Sometimes that is really hard work.



Val said...

I still admire every single post you are so very strong. I love the picture!

mommy26 said...

You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a long time and I never cease to be inspired by the way you handle such heartache yet keep moving forward.

All your babies are absolutely darling, but your Marie...there's just something extraordinary about that pile of preciousness - I see it all over her!

Hugs & prayers for all of you-

Clarissa said...

Shan, I wish I had some great words of encouragement, but it is you who encourages me. I'm still feeling so lost and not sure what to do with my emotions lately. I want so hard to enjoy life and be thankful for each moment I have with my family... with Abigail... but Elijah is missing.
I, too, long to praise God and accept His will... I pray that somehow my life will bring glory to Him name, despite my shortcomings.
We think of and talk of Marie often... she was (and still is) so special to us! Josiah ALWAYS includes her when he talks of going to heaven to be with "Jesus, Grandma, Marie, and Elijah".. :) She is part of us and we are so blessed by it!
We have Marie's pictures up next to my mom's pictures... you guys are like family to us!
We pray for you all often! May God bless your day with sweet memories of Marie and hope for the future!

Elisa said...

I can see that God is holding you,seeing that encourages me...Marie has become special to our family kids know who Marie is and that she is in Heaven with Grandma and Elijah...We speak of her often..she is not forgotten...May God continue to be with you and carry you..God's Peace be with you...Praying always for you!!

Shan said...

Thank you girls! Your words have meant so much to me! I think I worry a lot about Marie being forgotten. It means so much to know that she is remembered and cared about still :)

And Clarissa, you guys are like family to us too! Your kiddos are all up with mine and my nieces and nephews in my kitchen and we pray daily for all of you!

Holly said...

Sweet Momma... God is so big and so strong, it's ok to ask him "why" don't beat yourself up for having those emotions, the God I know can handle it. :) Yes, praise Him for His infinite wisdom, His wisdom that surpasses our understanding. I love you, your words, you reach many... and yes, I am sure, that pain doesn't get better, but you get better at dealing with it. So face those bad days with strength and conviction but on those good days- dance! Because I am sure that Marie is dancing on streets of gold!