Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Another week....

School started and another week has flown by.  Luke has been in the tractor spraying weeds, getting fields ready to sow wheat in September.  The millet is ready to cut, we went to Nebraska to the big county fair.  I am 34 weeks and getting baby clothes ready.  Sarah will be two, Marie will be gone two years...

Life is weird.

This summer I have felt like I've walked this path before.  Being pregnant again, my due date only just about a month later.  Only Little Mama is not here with me.  And I remember falling asleep in the afternoons with her talking herself to sleep.  Rubbing the back of her neck behind the curls because she'd calm down then.  And chocolate kisses in the afternoon, snuggling her to sleep at night when she'd hold on to my hair or hold my necklace in her fist.  And today I bought her new flowers for her tombstone, for her anniversary.

That is something no mother should ever buy.  I should still be holding her here.  I should still be kissing her goodnight and washing her clothes and painting her nails.  Life is weird.  Two years and this life, while blessed, is not as full without Marie in it.  Everything is different now.  I have changed.

I am now a compulsive list maker.  It helps me to keep my anxiety in check.  I never had anxiety before and I loved thinking I was this free spirit who could just roll with it all.  Not so much.  Now I make a note, I cross it off, I have to.

I check over and over again at night that doors are locked, babies are breathing, lights are off.  I always turn around before I leave the house, I double check before I close the garage door.  I cannot shake the feeling that I have forgotten something.

I question myself more.  Am I doing a good enough job, am I good enough in prayer, am I leading my daughters the right way?  Am I a good example to them?  Somehow Marie gave me confidence in those things, I struggle to find that now.

I keep to myself in ways I never did before.  I am closed off with my emotions when asked how we are doing.  The same as we were, we still hurt.  But that's the hard answer and I don't want the conversation so I say fine.

And again I am getting ready for a baby and praying it will be healthy.  I am snuggling a two year old (almost!) again.  I am getting used to Josie being back in school... and life cycles back to where it was before.  And I should be used to that, the wife of a farmer.  Every year we cycle through the same work in the same seasons again...  And I suppose it will be this way until I go Home...

I cannot believe another year has come and gone... how have I gone without kissing that freckle on her forehead so long?  Though we are better at coping now the pain is still the same.  And this weekend we will celebrate and mourn.  The Bittersweet...  And life cycles on. 



Lori said...

Thank you for saying, "We're doing the same as we were. It still hurts." when asked, "How are you?" I hate that question. I have been struggling with that for quite a while now.

Clarissa said...

I have been struggling with anxiety since Elijah, for the first time. I have the same questions. I guess saying goodbye to someone we love so much makes us think, seriously... I'm sure its for the better. I have a fear that I can't shake, though. Knowing what it feels like to lose a child just makes it that much harder to face it again... but I'm sure God knows what He is doing. I had some of these thoughts and feelings when my mom died... but it was very different than when Elijah died. He was a part of me for 25 weeks, in my arms for just a few hours... but he was my baby. And... Abigail has been with me for almost 5 years (can you believe it??)... how much more that pain will be when I have to say goodbye. My heart breaks. And my heart hurts deeply for you Shan. Love to you all! Just know that you are in my prayers daily. Remember, God will carry you... as He has been! :)

Elisa said...

Remembering you and your family in my prayers! sending love to you!