Tuesday, January 10, 2012

New year, new me.

It is 2012.  Hard to believe.  Time is passing so quickly and for me the last years have been something I've fought.  It has been a time of healing, learning, and struggling.

I am a fighter.  I don't like change.  When Marie went home I fought hard.  I fought the reality that my daughter was in Heaven.  I fought the passage of time.  I thought that if I could keep things from changing it would bring Marie close.

After Rie went Home it took me a year to cut my hair.  Because she held my hair as she'd fall asleep.  I resisted cutting those strands as long as I could.  I refused to rearrange our furniture.  I made sure that every day when I got dressed I wore something that I had owned when she was with us.  I remembered what nail polishes I had used on her, what I had been wearing and I stuck to those colors.  Somehow I needed not to change.

Then I began to slowly realize that by not changing little things it wasn't keeping her close.  I was told Marie being in Heaven is like Josie being in school all day.  I have to learn to let go.  It does not mean I love her any less.  It took a long time to learn this.

Slowly I began.  I cut my hair.  I bought new nail polishes and used them.  I made myself stop stressing about what I was wearing (what little girl really cares about her mothers clothes that much anyway?  Well, Josie cares very much what I wear but she is nearly eight not a toddler.)  I moved our bedroom furniture, Josie's bedroom furniture, Sarah's bedroom furniture.  Part of this was forced, we were getting ready to welcome a baby.  It was a blessing, I was learning to embrace the change.

Right before Thanksgiving I made a big step.  I moved our living room and the pictures on the wall around.  The couch is now in a different place than it was when I would rock Marie to sleep every night.  Do you know what?  I remember doing it just as well even though the couch moved.  I didn't loose anything by making that change.  After Thanksgiving I made another big step.  I changed my hair.  I cut some bangs, embraced my curls.

I am getting there.  It has taken me more than two years to be able to do this.  No one tells you that.  No one tells you the odd little things that you will do when you have a child in Heaven.  The rituals that you put yourself through.  No one tells you how healing is weird.

This is a new year.  I am a new me.  I am okay with being a different person than I was when Marie was with us.  I look back at myself and I was so happy despite the worry in my heart.  Marie flew Home when God called and I started a journey.  I have been through the valley.  Sorrow is heavy and I've carried that.  I've learned, I've gotten stronger in different ways.  I see the world differently now.  I am still happy, even with sorrow in my heart.

This year I'm going to embrace me.  Who I am now.  It's okay.  Little Mama wouldn't expect me to be the same person I was two years ago.  She loves me no matter what, and I love her no matter what.  No matter what little changes take place.  It took a long time to learn that.

If I could tell myself two years ago.  That shell shocked mother with a newborn in her arms and a heartbroken five year old.  That broken woman who had no idea what to do or how to put it back together.  I would tell myself of two years ago that it was going to be okay.  Sorrow is weird and I'm still getting through.  But I'm going to be okay, I'm going to change and it won't mean letting go of Marie.

New year... new me.  Blessed. 

Philippians 4:13 ESV
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.


Holly said...

I see you are holding on to that beauty! ;) Happy New Year!

Katie of Cabbage Ranch said...

You are so amazing. Love you, girl!

Clarissa said...

love, hugs, and prayers to you Shan... you are beautiful inside and out!

Cindy said...

Beautiful post.

Anonymous said...

This is amazing. You are, indeed, blessed. :)