Worry...

Anxiety sucks.  Worrying is a waste of time.  So  easy to say.  Unless your worry is justified.  We noticed Marie was not hitting milestones when she was about five months old.  At six months our family doctor confirmed it and at eight months we were told to take her home and love her.

So until Eva hits six months I know I am going to worry.  I will actually worry until she turns one.  No, that is a lie.  I will always worry.  When she's two and stumbles I will ask if she's just being clumsy or is it something else.  When she's seven and going through a string of sleepless nights I will pray it's just part of growing up and not a sign of something.  I will worry about her hitting milestones, gaining weight, nursing well.  I will second guess everything.  Because it is my job.  Because I love them so much.  Because I am terrified.  

Since our sweet Marie and all she had to go through I don't just have a fussy baby.  I have "what if".  I worry at every cold, every time that maybe she's teething.  Is this crying a sign?  Is she holding her head well enough?

And with Eva I am for the most part reassured.  She is a very good eater.  She is strong and according to her family doctor she is doing great hitting those milestones (we check in once a month).  She is sensitive, she has a terrible temper, she gets overwhelmed and she cries and cries.  But she sleeps through the night every night.  She's huge.  She just started chuckling when we tickle her.  She has a favorite toy, a pink sock money.  She like Daddy, loves me and doesn't dig strangers.  She is really becoming a little person.

Still, that worry is there.  That cold blanket that settles over my heart and lets the blackness creep in.  What if?  We'll deal with it.  But having babies is different after you've buried one.  My heart breaks missing my Princess Marie, my heart aches at the idea of watching another child go through what she did.  And she did it smiling, she didn't know any different.  That kills me.  Kills me that I couldn't save her.  Couldn't stop it.  All I could do was cram as much love into the time I had as possible and let God do the rest.

I try to pray but the truth is that when you are anxious you forget to pray.  I cry, and I know that the Spirit hears my pleas.  The Spirit intercedes on my behalf and I am blessed by a loving Father who gave me the strength I needed to care for Marie.  Then He brought her back to Him when it was time.  He is in control of all this life that feels like chaos and I need to trust Him.  But I'm a control freak and I am a mama bear and they are my babies and once one of them got sick and I am terrified that it could happen all over.

I just don't think I can do it again.  And the worry creeps in and my heart aches cold.  I fight for light and sanity and pray, but the worry still lurks frightening in the shadows. 

She's three months old now and doing well, we're getting there.  I love Miss Eva so much...  I love all of them so much.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  Romans 8:26-27