11 months...

Eleven months of sassy pants, silly, growling, funny faces to make you laugh, won't eat vegetables no matter what, baby doll loving, crawling everywhere, blonder than blond, want's her own way, plays with cars, follows Mommy everywhere, loves her Dog-dog, water baby, into everything Sarah...

Eleven months of missing turquoise eyed, brown haired, talks herself to sleep, to big for baby stuff, sleeps in the middle, toenail painting, fairy book loving, likes Daddy more than anything, snuggles to sleep at night, bites when she's mad, oatmeal for breakfast, swing outside all day, Eskimo kissing, center of everything sweet, sweet Marie... 

And just because there should be a picture of her too, the very best big sister in the entire world!!!

Still threshing...

We are still cutting wheat.  The header spins round and round snatching the heads off the straw, as it passes through the enormous combine it is threshed.  The grains make their way to the hopper, where they mound up until emptied on to the cart, then the from the cart to the semi and the semi to the co-op in town or a bin on the farm to be stored until prices are a little better.  The chaff, the unusable husk surrounding the actual kernel of wheat, is blown out the back of the combine in a cloud of dust.

There are some days I feel like I am being threshed.  We have seen storms every night this week.  Last night an inch of rain fell on our fields up north.  It will take a few days for them to dry out enough to be harvested now.  When it gets wet the quality of the wheat goes down.  Sarah is not sleeping this week, be it teething or growing or what, I am tired.  Josie misses Marie immensely and acts out or is moody.  At this moment there are low dark clouds west of town once again.  For some reason the Lord lets these storms hit.  Not just the storms of this harvest but the hurricanes of the last year that have ravaged us, the wheels of the threshing cart that have ground against us.  It is part of His plan.  For everything there is a purpose...  And I pray that as I am threshed I will be found worthy.

"His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire."
Luke 3:17 NIV

August is coming... and the storms we face seem to be stronger these days.  The ache a little sharper, the emptiness a bit more pronounced.  I take comfort in knowing...

"Listen and hear my voice; pay attention and hear what I say. When a farmer plows for planting, does he plow continually? Does he keep on breaking up and harrowing the soil? When he has leveled the surface, does he not sow caraway and scatter cumin? Does he not plant wheat in its place, barley in its plot, and spelt in its field? His God instructs him and teaches him the right way. Caraway is not threshed with a sledge, nor is a cartwheel rolled over cumin; caraway is beaten out with a rod, and cumin with a stick. Grain must be ground to make bread; so one does not go on threshing it forever. Though he drives the wheels of his threshing cart over it, his horses do not grind it. All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom."
Isaiah 28:23-29 NIV

I have hope... this is not forever.  One day we will rejoice with our princess in Heaven, in a land where there are no weeds in the fields, no storms to hamper the harvest...  only joy... someday.

" So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the LORD Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:12-18 NIV

The Mondays...

I've got a case of the Mondays... I'm just tired.  Sarah has been up at least three hours a night the last few nights and eventually that catches up to me.  My ability to keep on the positive side isn't the best when I'm worn out... we're on the second week of harvest now as well.  We got rained out last night.  There are worries as they are calling for a wet week ahead.  We know that God will provide but it's hard not be anxious when our income for the year is sitting in the fields.

Every year this happens though, every year there is at least one storm that comes through and wets it all down when we're cutting wheat.  Last year Marie and I watched that storm together from the back of the car on the side of the dirt road eating strawberry yogurt and I had no idea how precious that was.

I also don't have much to say today.  Not much going on other than long, long days.  Me and my little lady's have been home alone a lot and I think they're getting a little grumpy at not having their Daddy much.  No surprise, this too happens every year.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV

Since I don't have much, here is my recipe for Harvest Bars.  They're actually chocolate chip cheesecake brownies but I call them harvest bars because this is the only time of the year I'll make them.  They're a  little fattening.

Harvest Bars:

2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup sugar
2 8 oz packages cream cheese
2 16 oz packages chocolate chip cookie dough

Press one package of dough into the bottom of a greased 9x13 pan.  Mix eggs, vanilla, cream cheese and sugar.  Pour over cookie dough.  Top with second package of cookie dough (mooshed flat in whatever way you can).  Bake at 350 35-45 minuets (but it always seems to take a little longer for the cream cheese layer to set).

Cut up and enjoy, it makes a ton!

Happy Monday!

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit Beki at The Rusted Chain to read other Fingerprints and join in!


This week I saw God's fingerprint on my front steps...  Awhile ago Josie brought home three little flowers from Sunday school.  Her's is on the top step, Marie's is on the second step, Sarah's is on the bottom step.  They have been potted and sitting there for over three weeks.  Marie's is the only one blooming.


Thank you Lord for the reminder that while I miss her she is happy and free.  She is running, jumping, laughing, perhaps flying in Your Garden.  She blooms...

The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;  
He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. 
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; 
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. 
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; 
the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. 
But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children--
Psalm 103:8-17 NIV

Wheat harvest, 2010...

Way up north on Dudden field with the most amazing sky...

Happy in the dirt...

Enjoying being able to see for miles...

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11 NIV

Josie riding with Daddy...

Wheat...

Not as tall as the straw...

Finally, because I miss her face...

Harvest time...

We started cutting wheat on Saturday evening.  Sunday I actually was in the field and drove the grain cart all day.  Josie was with me, Sarah spent the day with her God-mother, and Marie was in Heaven.  So amazing  how much life can change in a year.  Last year Little Mama was beside me always, taking dinner to the field... We had some very special picnics together, me and my girl.

I've been busy keeping up with house and home, and cooking and baking when not in the tractor.  Last night I made "Kraut Burgers".  They were a hit.

Kraut Burgers

2 lbs ground beef, browned with salt and pepper
1/2 jar saurkraut, drained
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
2 loafs store bought bread dough, defrosted.

Mix cheddar into browned ground beef.  Stir in saurkraut.  Divide each loaf of dough into 4 pieces.  Roll out into rounds, spoon about 1 cup mixture into each round. Seal and place on cookie sheets sprinkled with (lots!) of corn meal.  Bake at 400 for about 20 min or until nice and golden. 

We eat them all up with ketchup and mustard.

I also made Chocolate Chip Cake Bars and sent out baggies full of blueberries.  Tonight I'm making tuna melts... and hopefully I can snap a few pictures while I'm out there of Sarah's first harvest!

Also, please pray for Abigail if you can.  She just cannot seem to catch a break and her parent's are struggling.  Just ask for strength and comfort... of course, the God who loves all of us, who made Heaven and Earth... He knows exactly what Miss Abigail needs!  Rest assured Abigail, your name is written in Heaven!

Fingerprint Friday... and then some.

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit Beki at The Rusted Chain to read other Fingerprints and join in!

The second week of July, 2006.  We found out we were going to have a baby.  It was wheat harvest hot, sweet summertime...  We were filled with joy.  And then she arrived the following March, and she took our breath away.

And we got to watch her grow...

It wasn't always easy but she taught us about what was really beautiful, and what faith really meant, and how precious life is...

And then when it was time God called her home...

Her life is my fingerprint this week.  I miss my baby like crazy.

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says: I can see the fingerprints of God When I look at you I can see the fingerprints of God And I know its true You're a masterpiece That all creation quietly applauds And you're covered with the fingerprints of God So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit The Rusted Chain to join in.

His fingerprint in my world... in the day to day.  The dishes in the sink, the weeds in my garden.  His fingerprint is on my children and their dirty feet and faces.  I see God in the cans I am cleaning up off the kitchen floor for the fifth time today, in the plastic bowl of marshmallows taking their mind of the scary thunderstorm outside.  His fingerprint is in the arms of the man I married, the one I absolutely adore, and the one who helped to create these amazing, beautiful little girls.  My fingerprint is in the every day, the ordinary... I am blessed in the simplicity of my life.

Summertime...

Its finally here.  It feels like summer.  The heats on, the flies bite at dusk.  There's dragon flies swarming about eating the mosquitoes.  My little girls dress in sundresses and tank tops and we don't wear shoes unless they're flip flops.

Some praise is in order!  Lord, THANK YOU for carrying Abigail through.  According to her Mama little Miss Abigail is relaxed, smiling and resting well.  She seems to have bounced back and we praise YOU Father for that gift.  Of course You knew she would.  But thank you Father!

Isn't it awesome when you can just feel how good God is?

This last weekend brought our first trip to the lake in three years.  Marie was born in March and so she was so tiny her first summer and for a reason we couldn't put our finger on we felt so protective of her.  Her second summer she wasn't well at all and though we wanted to take her we knew we shouldn't.  Last summer she was doing so amazing... but she hated long car rides and melted in the heat.  So we came up with other summertime things to do.

Life feels so removed from how it used to be.  I carry this longing for Marie inside my chest and it's constant.  She is in my thoughts, and even when I'm not thinking of her there's a feeling that can only be described as an ache.  I don't think it will go away in this life. 

I had to call the monument company that placed her headstone.  Something happened at the cemetery and her vase was knocked off it's base beside her headstone.  Whatever hit it hit hard.  There's a bit of a chip in the marble vase and rather than leave it loose we brought it home and put it in the garage.  I had to call them to have it repaired.  We are such a tiny place that they won't fix it until they have another stone to place here.  I don't know how long Marie's vase will sit in the garage.  It bothers me.  It bothers me that I had to make that call.  That I had to say "I need to talk to someone about repairing my daughters headstone".

But I did it, and I felt good.  Because I can take care of that for her, take care of her in that way.  That is one of the things I struggle with most.  What do you do when your child doesn't need you to care for her anymore?  There are no kisses needed from me, she gets kisses from Jesus now.  There are no stories read, she's living in a happy ending.  She doesn't need me to take care of any owies, nothing hurts ever hurts there.  She doesn't need me in the night, there is no night in Zion.  So what can I do?  Well, I think of her constantly and I talk about her all the time.  And that's how I take care of Marie... That's what I tell myself.  Once the vase is fixed we have a new little Tinkerbell figurine for her stone.  Rie Rie loved Tinkerbell.  Even though we know she's not there it feels good to have memories of her all around her headstone.

So, it was good to get out of town.  To spend some time together as a family without the chores of home, the stresses of everyday.  Sarah loved the water, which didn't surprise me at all.  Did I ever tell you, when we gave Sarah her first bath she didn't cry?  Not even a whimper.  Now, she loves her head under the shower spray, she plays like crazy in the wading pool we got for the dog.  She loved the water at the lake.  She also loved the sand, being outside, eating teddy grahams on our old Harley Davidson quilt that Marie picnicked on last summer.  She played and played and then fell asleep with her Aunt Gail in the shade and had about the best day you can have when you're ten months old.

And she is, ten months.  Ten moths of smiles, cuddles, kisses and getting to know our white haired little girl.  That also means ten months of missing Little Mama.  Trying to live with Marie in Heaven.  Ten months since I kissed her goodnight.  And because I want to focus on the good it's ten months of freedom for Marie.  Ten months of running and never tiring, ten months of joy, ten months of being Home.  Of course she has no idea... I don't believe that there's any time there.  Time is a thing created by man.  In Heaven she is just perfect and when I walk in and scoop her up she won't be aware that Mama was away for any time at all.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31 NIV

So, that's sort of my week.  Ten month anniversaries, I cleaned a lot of sand out of coolers and towels, and I have been running Josie to swim lessons and gymnastics.  Luke has been busy too.  Wheat harvest is approaching fast, they have been getting the combine, tractors, grain cart and semi ready.  We are anticipating beginning to cut wheat on the tenth of July but that is subject to change depending on the whims of God and nature.  I am getting recipes ready and soon I'll do the shopping for harvest meals.  If all goes well we will be harvesting wheat for about two weeks.

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.  Psalm 85:12

I'll leave you with pictures from our summertime...  Every time I hear that word I have the lyrics from the Sublime song in my head...

Summertime... and the livin's easy...

Josie out in the water...

Marie, almost exactly one year ago today... This picture has so many things I remember of her.  That smile, happiest in her swing, barefoot, in a sundress...  She is so beautiful...

Calling all Prayer Warriors!!!

Please be in prayer for sweet Abigail!  She is having a very rough time now... she has slept only a handful of hours since Monday night.  She is exhausted and completely out of it.  She cannot get comfortable, cannot sleep, cannot seem to find any relief from her suffering.  The precious girls is only three years old... far to little to know such sorrow.

Please pray God grant Abigail peaceful healing sleep. Please pray for strength for her mother and father as they are terrified, please pray for comfort for her brothers and sister as they are so young.  We already know the Lord holds Abigail in His arms, that He is carrying her and that all of this is being done for His purpose.  Please pray for acceptance of God's will for Abigail whatever that may be.  Please left them up and hold them close to your heart...

We have walked in this exact place with Marie... even the ache of being without her cannot compare to the anguish of watching her suffer and being helpless to ease the pain. 

Please be in prayer for them...  The Lord can do such amazing things and prayer is the most powerful way to connect with Him...

Lord, grant them the peace which passes all understanding...

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit Beki at the Rusted Chain to join in!

This week saw a lot of storms... there were the meteorological kind and the emotional kind...

I take great comfort in knowing...

"God smiles on His child in the eye of the storm" (from The Eye of the Storm, Streams in the Desert)

She would have jumped...

I try very hard to keep my head up.  I try to constantly be in praise.  To thank God for how long we had Marie.  I make a choice every day to be thankful for what a blessing her life was, how much I learned from her, how wonderful He made her, for where she is now... on and on.  I want to hold on to the positive, stay  rooted in hope and have a firm grip on my Jesus' robe.  I will be in Heaven with her someday and I will see my girl again.

Still, it is so hard to be on earth without her. 

When I think of Marie now I almost always see her running, laughing, singing, jumping.  In my minds eye she is perfect and healthy and full of life.  I think this is God's gift to me, that He would have me see my child as she is now in Heaven. There is no sickness, no Leigh's Disease, no broken body.  There is only the perfect, perfect form that He intended.

This morning at swim lessons I sat and waited for Josie.  While I was waiting they marched the platform class (three and up) to the diving board.  Tiny little people, tiny little bathing suits.  Terrified of the board.  One by one they marched up the ladder.  Some tiptoed out to the edge of the board and turned around, other's were lowered oh so slowly to the waiting arms of the lifegaurd below. 

Watching them it hurt.

If life had gone according to my plan my three year old would have been in that class.  It would have been her first year taking swim lessons and today would have been her first time off the diving board.  I know my girl's spirit.  Full of life, naughty, filled with the joy of being a child of God, a little bit of a daredevil, a fighter, a fierce little spirit.

I wasn't able to watch her swim this morning.  God's plan was different.  Because of a sin filled world Marie was born with a disease and she suffered.  My Father, her Father stepped in and healed her, brought her home to Him and she's there now... and my arms ache for her.

She swims in the waters of Heaven safe and secure. 

I know my girl though.  I know that this morning, she would have jumped.

Flying time...

Time is just flying.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that summer is already upon us.  The usual things are happening, the wheat is changing colors.  There are thunderstorms and swimming lessons.  Gymnastics practice, grilling out and eating on the patio.  Time is passing and in the way it does it everything feels so normal.

Then I look around and one face is missing from my life.  Oh, how I miss her face.  Everyday there is some reminder of Marie's absence.  Last summer I took her to Josie's swim lessons with me.  I cuddled her as she perched atop my growing belly, I played with her as she sat in her stroller.  We would swim, get in the car and Marie and I would go and play for an hour while Josie practiced gymnastics.  We'd come home, eat lunch and I would lay down with Marie for her nap.  Marie never, ever went to sleep on her own.

Now, I tote Sarah along.  We run around, we play.  My mind will not stop going to what it would be like if Marie was here.  It was my plan that she would be, that I would have three little birds together on earth.  God's plan was different.  And every day I have to work on accepting it, praising Him for how I've been blessed, and figure out how to keep on moving.

I've been thinking a lot, and I'm thinking of doing something to remember Marie.  Something special.  I'm still figuring out how to pull it off...

Today I need to finish some book work, get a lunch packed and we're going to picnic at the park.  Then we are going to visit Luke's grandma...  It's a normal day, doing what we do... but we're just doing it without one princess.

Last night we went for a walk in the cool after the thunderstorm.  A woman on the side of the street commented how nice it was to see us (we didn't know her personally).  How nice it was that Mom, Dad, two little girls and a dog were out for a walk.  The whole family.  I wanted to scream at her.  This isn't it, this isn't all of us.  My toddler is in Heaven...  But I didn't.  I smiled, looked at my flip flops and kept walking.  Because in real life, in person, I often don't know what to say...

There's a rumour that the storms are going to hit again tonight, they're saying hail.  The "white combine" as Luke calls it because hail can ruin a crop.  Please pray the Lord saves us from that storm, but if is will is that it hails here, please pray for the strength of the farmers here.  They are so proud of what they do, feeding a nation.  Please pray for them.

Happy Tuesday all...

Five minuets for Mama...

I'm taking five minuets of down time right now.

Five minuets of quiet in a cool office in a darker basement.

I've been running like crazy for the last two weeks but think the end is in sight and soon we'll be enjoying some lazy days.

The dog ate the swimming pool.  True story.  I am now in the market for a good, non-inflatable pool.

Josie was sad the day the pool was wrecked.  She remembered swimming in it with Marie last summer.  It was hard for her to let it go.  It is really hard to let go of anything that has to do with Marie...

This made me smile today...  Little Mama in January...

I miss her face...

Today was t-ball tournament day.  It was fun, long, hot...  Josie played awesome.  Sarah cheered like a tiny maniac.  We had some really good company on the sidelines...  My friend B has awesome kids.  It was fun spending time with them.

Luke hit a pheasant on the way home.  I had my eyes closed at the time and it scared the heck out of me.  I almost cussed.  *almost*

The car was okay.

We have one quarter of millet left to plant and just got another 3/10 inch of rain last night.  They're calling for thunderstorms again tonight.  I'm sort of wondering how long it will be before that drill is in the field again.

You use a drill to plant millet.  Millet is for the birds.

I got the most awesome present in the mail a few weeks ago from Canela at Cinnamon Sticks.  It's a necklace shaped like a circle with Marie's beautiful name stamped on it.  I haven't taken it off since.  Sarah loves holding it and it feels so good to show off my sweet girls beautiful name to the world.  Love it!  All her stuff is so pretty, if you click on that link I warn you.  You're gonna want to go shopping!

The wheat is starting to turn from green to gold, the combine is at the farm shop, I'm getting ready to start working on my harvest shopping list.  I still can't believe that it's that time of year.

I think my husband is taking me out for Chinese food tonight with our little ladies...

And sometime this week I want to make him these oatmeal cream pies... they look sooo yummy!

My five minuets is up!

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?

To find out how to join in visit Beki at The Rusted Chain...

In my life I see God's Fingerprint in...

These two monsters.  They keep me smiling on days when I struggle to keep it all together!  Am I blessed or what? 

Better things to do...

Lately I've felt really strongly that I have better things to do than be on the computer.  That and I really haven't had time.  We've been playing t-ball (which Josie loves) and being outside as much as we can.  The weather had been so nice up until this rainy weekend and we've been enjoying it.
So, in  no real order, the better things I've had to do:

I've been cheering from the bleachers...

Marveling at my shooting stars (the columbines are blooming)...

Taking care of Sissy, who at her checkup last week was determined to be doing lovely, and a little ahead of the game in some things.  Have I mentioned how blessed we are in Sarah's health?  In the ability for her to play, crawl, eat, explore the world so easily... it is so bittersweet to see her thrive...

Loving on Daddy...  Sarah is becoming such a snugly girl, it's nice to see my oldest and my youngest forming a bond with each other... and yet, such a beautiful picture but it's hard not to see Marie missing from it...

I've been sewing all rainy weekend.  Three months ago I started my very first quilt, one for Miss Josie.  I finished yesterday.  I was machine quilted by one of the wonderful ladies in our church and the bright pink, orange and gray just scream Josie don't you think?