Three and Four.

This cracks me up.  On so many levels.

There's Sarah, thrilled.  Eva... not so much.  Sarah: impulsively charging ahead.  Eva: suggesting perhaps we stop and think this through.  And Daddy was right there.  They were on a giant inflatable turtle in two feet of lake water.  Cannot stop laughing at this.

Sarah is impulsive, ruled by feelings.  She's a needer.  She needs cuddled, read to.  She needs ice water, and help washing her hands, and putting on her undies, and a million other things she could do on her own but refuses to.  Sometimes I loose my patience with that.  Her neediness.  Other times I eat it up because out of the girls she's the only one always up for a cuddle.

She's naughty as heck.  She'll tell you, "now Mama, here's da troof..." and  I know she's about to lie to me.  She tattles and sasses and tries to act cool.  She tells me I'm mean and bad.  We've been reading a lot of Llama Llama Mad at Mama.  She's way into princesses, and pink, purple, and turquoise.  She loves Browned Butter Spaghetti and s'mores.  She dislikes picking up any toy, ever.  Even if it means I'll throw it away or hide it on top of the fridge she just. won't. do. it.  Everrrr.  She also would like to dye her hair pink.

Eva is not impulsive.  Everything is weighed and calculated.  If Sarah is 40% forethought 60% action Eva is the opposite.  She asks you "hand, hand".  She needs your assistance walking down the hallway.  She takes 8 minuets to scoot down the basement stairs.  She doesn't like high places.  She fake cries like nobodies business.  She looks and acts so stinkin' much like Marie its heart stopping sometimes.  And I prayed that she look like her, so that we can tell her all about her sister and tell her you look just like her.  To connect them, to give her something to cling to with this larger than life sister who lives with Jesus.  Marie like a fairy tale to them.  God took me pretty seriously.  I got my prayer answered, twinsies.

Eva loves giving kisses, and Daddy, and "tack-tors" (tracktors), and her Cabbage Patch baby, and her blankets, and her papi (pacifier).  She does not love the dog.  He is supposed to stay far away always.  If he gets to close she'll let him have it yelling "dit, dit" at the top of her lungs.

The crazy part is that now, with these third and fourth girls, I know they're going to be totally different people a month from now.  Maybe Eva gets brave, maybe Sarah slows down.  Maybe not...

Either way I love this picture, and the moment captured that shows exactly who they are, now. 

My favorite things...

CARMELITAS...

This blog, Ain't No Mom Jeans.  Hilarious, educational, real.

Fingerprint Friday...

I haven't participated in Fingerprint Friday forever.  Finally, I am!

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join in.

This morning as I wiped the toothpaste of the bathroom counter for the hundredth time, picked up toy food and dress up clothes for the thousandth time I realized that's my blessing.  As I sauteed onions for the crock pot and our french dip roast I realized that having a house smell like onion at 8am is a blessing.  As I said goodbye to Luke on his way out to the farm and looked ahead to a morning filled with folding laundry, washing sheets, wiping Sarah's runny nose I was pushed.  Those are my blessings.  This beautiful mess.  Because this mess means a house filled with children.  This mess means a partner to share my life with.  That onion smell?  We never have to worry about our next meal.  We have actually been blessed with abundance.

God gives me so many blessings daily.  The laundry, cleaning, mothering, repetition.  It's His work.  I am blessed that He picked me to do it for Him.  He knew what I'd need before I even did!

My French Dip recipe (my friend Jill gave me this originally and I modified it to our tastes):

One chuck roast
4 cups water
6 tsp beef granules
1 small onion
3 tsp butter
3 tsp Worcestershire sauce
3 tsp mustard


Saute onions in butter until the get translucent and start to caramelize.  Mix beef broth into water.  Whisk in Worcestershire and mustard.  Place roast in slow cooker.  Cover with cooked onions, pour beef broth mixture over top.  Cook on low (8-10 hours).
We like it on hoagie rolls with provolone and of course that yummy broth!  I usually serve this with green beans or broccoli/cauliflower mix but it's good with just about anything.  If you wanted to get fancy I suppose you could serve it like pot roast with mashed potatoes and make a gravy out of the broth.  I don't know about you but by January we are all a little tired of pot roast at our house!

Running, watching radar, cooking far to much, and dessert...

We are nine days in to this harvest.  So far the weather has been good and we have been in the field every day.  There are storms west of here today and I am watching the radar and praying they stay west and pass beside us.  We still have four fields to cut over by Nebraska, where the hail was bad.  One of them is good, the other's all are dinged up a bit.

The girls and I have been living in the car.  Last night I drove out to a field we simply call "29".  It's up north, a half hour one way.  There was no wheat on that field last year.  The last time I drove those roads Marie was in the back in her car seat, bringing dinner out to the guys.  Marie was mad that Josie got to ride in Daddy's pickup and she pitched the biggest temper tantrum on the way home.  Marie was mad at me when we got home, mad at me all through her bath, and when her Daddy got home I told him he'd better deal with her.  All she wanted was that Daddy.

I cried most of the way out to the field last night.  Just remembering.  God, I am so grateful I have so many memories of that child.  Thinking of her doing things that I haven't remembered in awhile, it feels good.  Driving that familiar road, it feels good.  We all miss her so much.

Time doesn't ease that.  I've learned to smile easier, and I've gotten used to carrying this cross of grief now.  But still she's always in my mind, always right on the edge of my tongue.  The coming of this new baby doesn't change any of that.  In fact, in many ways I think Luke and I are feeling the ache of Marie's absence more now. 

Today they are finishing up the little field on the west side of the county and moving east.

Today I mowed the lawn, ran Josie to gymnastics, baked.

Today Sarah pitched a fit wanting to wear her green dress again.  It's too big but she wears it every other day anyway. 

Today I'm praying for Abigail, that it doesn't rain, that baby is healthy.  And I'm praising Him for all this business, this craziness, and this harvest.

Today my girls are fighting and I've got to be honest.  It's a blessing, I love it.  I love that they have each other, that Sarah gives Josie a run for her money, and I've dealt with this sibling fighting before when Marie and Josie did it.  But I've just about had it.  It is obnoxious.  I'm over it and my patience is frayed.

I need to start dinner in about 20 minuets.

These are what we're having for dessert and they are amazing, and easy!
 One Hundred Thousand Calorie Bars

A new recipe...

Yesterday morning Sarah and I made cookies.  Because she is a monster we made monster cookies.  They turned out wonderful.  I enjoyed the time with her.  She's getting so big and changing so much.

She wants to dump every cup of oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chips into the bowl.  She wants to taste everything.  She want's to help and lets me know loudly "I help", "I do" and Luke and I's favorite, when she is successful we are blessed with her smiling "I did it!".

I watch her and I'm amazed.  It comes so easily her holding that head, reaching that hand, grasping life tightly.  She is unafraid.  I want to be more like her and seize fiercly, live fully in the moment the chocolate on my toungue and not waiting always for the next tragedy.  For the ground to open and swallow me up.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2 NIV


Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. Isaiah 50:10 NIV

Watching Sarah grab with both hands, exploring the world.  Watching Josie read devotions at bed time, thirsting for more words from her God, longing to know more about her Jesus.  Feeling this new baby thrive and grow inside of me... Knowing that I have a princess in Heaven with dark hair and blue eyes and I will hold her again... knowing that no matter what He's here...  It's okay.  I need to trust.

I need a new recipe.  For the last 20 some months I have been holding my breath.  I have known fear. I want to let it go, to just trust.  To enjoy the blessings fully that I have and not worry about the next thing.   I am ready, and it doesn't feel like leaving Marie behind.  It feels like becoming who she, and God want me to be.  It is time to try a new recipe.

And again, "I will put my trust in him." And again he says, "Here am I, and the children God has given me. Hebrews 2:13 NIV

It was good enjoying that simple blessing with my littlest girl yesterday.  Making cookies, soaking her up.  If you are interested, here is the recipe we made.

Chocolate Pudding Cake...

Yesterday I chatted briefly with my friend Clarissa about a cake that I make often.  It's become one of those desserts that has a lot of memories and emotions tied to it for us.

The original recipe was typed on a typewriter sometime after Luke's Grandmother and Grandfather were married in the early 40's.  It was so weathered and used that when she made me a copy not long after Luke and I were married it didn't copy well and my recipe has her hand typing with smudges from the years.

I have made this cake for birthdays (it is one of my Father-In-Laws favorites).  I have made this cake on snowy days (it is at it's best eaten warm).  Josie and I have made it together.  I have made it alone in a huge hurry to have something on hand for this or that occasion.  One of the last times I made it was for the second birthday of Princess Marie.  She adored chocolate, and her Great-Grandma's Chocolate Pudding Cake was perfect for her. 

This cake recipe is something special, made again and again by at least three generations of women in my husbands family.  It has stood through 70 plus years of changing tastes, and really, I've never found anything quite like it.

Chocolate Pudding Cake

1 C flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 C granulated sugar
2 tbsp cocoa
1/2 C milk (or water, or orange juice, or 1 egg plus enough water to make half cup)
1 tsp vanilla extract
2 tbsp shortening, melted
1/2 C walnut meats (optional)
     3/4 C brown sugar
     1/4 C cocoa
     1 3/4 C very hot water

Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, sugar, and cocoa.  Add 1/2 C milk/water, vanilla, and shortening; mix until smooth (will be very thick).  Add nut meats.  Pour into greased 8 inch square pan.  Mix brown sugar and cocoa, sprinkle over cake batter.  Pour hot water over entire batter.  Bake in moderate oven (350) for 40-45 minuets (cake will not be "set" when fully cooked).

This recipe gives you a cake on top, and a creamy chocolate "pudding" below.

The Mondays...

I've got a case of the Mondays... I'm just tired.  Sarah has been up at least three hours a night the last few nights and eventually that catches up to me.  My ability to keep on the positive side isn't the best when I'm worn out... we're on the second week of harvest now as well.  We got rained out last night.  There are worries as they are calling for a wet week ahead.  We know that God will provide but it's hard not be anxious when our income for the year is sitting in the fields.

Every year this happens though, every year there is at least one storm that comes through and wets it all down when we're cutting wheat.  Last year Marie and I watched that storm together from the back of the car on the side of the dirt road eating strawberry yogurt and I had no idea how precious that was.

I also don't have much to say today.  Not much going on other than long, long days.  Me and my little lady's have been home alone a lot and I think they're getting a little grumpy at not having their Daddy much.  No surprise, this too happens every year.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9 NIV

Since I don't have much, here is my recipe for Harvest Bars.  They're actually chocolate chip cheesecake brownies but I call them harvest bars because this is the only time of the year I'll make them.  They're a  little fattening.

Harvest Bars:

2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup sugar
2 8 oz packages cream cheese
2 16 oz packages chocolate chip cookie dough

Press one package of dough into the bottom of a greased 9x13 pan.  Mix eggs, vanilla, cream cheese and sugar.  Pour over cookie dough.  Top with second package of cookie dough (mooshed flat in whatever way you can).  Bake at 350 35-45 minuets (but it always seems to take a little longer for the cream cheese layer to set).

Cut up and enjoy, it makes a ton!

Happy Monday!

Harvest time...

We started cutting wheat on Saturday evening.  Sunday I actually was in the field and drove the grain cart all day.  Josie was with me, Sarah spent the day with her God-mother, and Marie was in Heaven.  So amazing  how much life can change in a year.  Last year Little Mama was beside me always, taking dinner to the field... We had some very special picnics together, me and my girl.

I've been busy keeping up with house and home, and cooking and baking when not in the tractor.  Last night I made "Kraut Burgers".  They were a hit.

Kraut Burgers

2 lbs ground beef, browned with salt and pepper
1/2 jar saurkraut, drained
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese
2 loafs store bought bread dough, defrosted.

Mix cheddar into browned ground beef.  Stir in saurkraut.  Divide each loaf of dough into 4 pieces.  Roll out into rounds, spoon about 1 cup mixture into each round. Seal and place on cookie sheets sprinkled with (lots!) of corn meal.  Bake at 400 for about 20 min or until nice and golden. 

We eat them all up with ketchup and mustard.

I also made Chocolate Chip Cake Bars and sent out baggies full of blueberries.  Tonight I'm making tuna melts... and hopefully I can snap a few pictures while I'm out there of Sarah's first harvest!

Also, please pray for Abigail if you can.  She just cannot seem to catch a break and her parent's are struggling.  Just ask for strength and comfort... of course, the God who loves all of us, who made Heaven and Earth... He knows exactly what Miss Abigail needs!  Rest assured Abigail, your name is written in Heaven!

Confessions...

This is a blatant ripoff of Beki at The Rusted Chain...

These days I feel way too disorganized to put my thoughts into a post, or a brief essay, or any sort of meaningful expression.

It might be time to get a part time job, I sort of feel like I have the time for it.  I probably won't because the only one I would take is one that would allow me to have Sarah with me and not put her in day care at all.

I only drink caffeinated coffee, decaff seems like a waste of time.

I'm so glad that today will be warm, spring feels like a long time coming this year.

I miss Luke a lot when he's farming all day and doesn't come home for lunch.

The above statement proves how spoiled I am, that my husband almost always comes home for lunch.  Unless he's in the field.

We have a thousand acres of wheat that needs sprayed... I really hope it gets done today.

The reason why is that Josie is having surgery on May 4 for a second set of ear tubes and to get her tonsils out.  If Luke can't get the field work done he might not be able to come with me.

We don't farm organic...  If we did we wouldn't have as high a yield as we do and our country wouldn't have a surplus to help feed other countries.  That and the bottom dropped out of the wheat market, prices aren't very good and I just try not to think very much about that at all thank you.

Sarah threw up the other day and it terrified me...Marie used to throw up a lot when she first got sick.  I prayed a lot, and I think Sarah really just had a bit of a tummy bug.

When I mow the lawn, instead of putting on sunscreen I put on *suntan lotion*.  I know all about skin cancer, I see a dermatologist regularly... I don't tan in the beds either... I just like some color on my legs.

I do put sunscreen on my face, because I'm a little vain.

Whenever Luke is having a rough day I make him dessert... the other day I made these cake bars but used lemon cake mix, lemon juice instead of water and grated some lemon rind in (I didn't put any chocolate chips or nuts in them either).  I then frosted them with homemade cream cheese frosting and thought I was just about the best little housewife ever.  When given the option my guy chose ice cream over these...  that's what I get for not making something chocolate.

I'm feeling really conflicted about Josie's surgery.  It's her second set of tubes, the first was taken out by her doctors recommendation in spring 2008 when Marie was doing really badly.  I just did what they said, didn't question it.  I can't help but feel if I'd had it more together I could have prevented this.

I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be.

On Friday morning I will be getting a pedicure... I'm so looking forward to that.

Right now I should finish mowing the lawn...

Tonight we're having chicken stir-fry and rice... and ice cold beer.  It's good for breastfeeding ;)

Tonight Josie will pitch a fit about eating it because she's anti-chicken and anti-vegetable.  The odd thing is she's pro-dessert so she will have to eat it anyway.

I'm looking forward to going to the lake this summer, it's a place we could never take Marie because of the heat.  I feel guilty for looking forward to doing something without her.

I still look for Marie every morning when I wake up.

I don't' like days that Josie asks for oatmeal because that's what I made Marie...

I went to the cemetery this morning and saw Marie and Grandpa... it is strange to see the grass cut up on his grave but the grass almost completely back to normal on Marie's.  For some reason it really bothers me that she's been gone long enough for the grass to grow back...

I'm hoping we can eat on the patio tonight and that way we can see the sun go down... because sunsets make me feel close to Marie, because that's where Josie and I decided Heaven is.  Just behind the sunset.  Because it never gets dark there...

Nearing the end...

As of now 5 and some odd quarters of wheat still to be cut. We will finish Friday or so, assuming no storms hit us. This is a late harvest, a long harvest, but a harvest non-the-less. So gratitude is necessary. I wonder sometimes how many farmers are caught up in praying for rain, praying for sun, praying for grace but forget to stop and say thank you. They are caught up easily in work, farmers. As they must be.

The girls and I are doing really good. Rie is a ball of fire, she's often found pitching a nightly tantrum in her car seat. Last night she did not want to leave the field, especially because Josie was riding in the pickup with Daddy. Marie was mad. I am second choice, it's okay, I'm alright with that.

Josie is going along like crazy, today at the pool she swam a good 10 feet face down underwater. She asked me if I saw her being a mermaid. Indeed I did.

Her gymnastics recital will be the beginning of August, the other moms and I watch them practice and there's a group wonder of if they'll be ready, if they'll know their routine. It would probably help if the girls would stop chatting long enough to do a front roll.

I am 36 weeks today, 4 more to go. We are starting to get really excited to meet this small person. I have decided that I would like very much to never be pregnant during wheat harvest again. I mean, it's not that I want to complain, but heaving my 9 month pregnant self up a 6 foot ladder into the combine is probably not the most graceful thing I've ever done. I like this being big in summer better than winter though, there are less clothes involved :)

Tonight, Reuben sandwiches with a side of strawberries, chex mix and some spice cake bars. Recipe listed for those delicious things below!

Spice Cake Bars (actually, any cake mix bars, these are fun to play with)

• 1 package spice cake mix (any flavor works, we like white with 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips, or chocolate with 1 1/2 cups white chips)
  
• 2 eggs
• 1/4 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 1/4 cup water
• 1 container frosting of your choice, or cool whip, or 1/2 cup chips melted with 1 T butter for glaze

Combine first 5 ingredients in large mixing bowl. Beat 2 minuets. Stir in chips if you're adding any (nuts are also good). Spread into greased 9x13 pan. Bake at 375 for 20 min (or until it springs back a bit when you touch the top). Cool and frost or glaze. I cut these up and bag them separately. They're not fluffy but come out as a nice heavy, dense cake that won't get crumbly.

They freeze well but frosting melts in the field so I keep it in my beer iced water cooler until the guys are ready to eat.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I am not way to busy to actually do a decent job of "not me" Monday this week.

I am not hiding in Luke's office supposed to be doing paperwork, playing with my blog, eating a milky way dark that I hid from Josie so she wouldn't ask for some. Not me!

I am not insanely hot after watering plants and considering jumping in Josie's inflatable pool that has a water temp of 55 degrees at the moment because I just filled it up. Who wouldn't love to see an 8+ month pregnant woman leaping about in freezing water in a soggy tank top and Bermuda sweats? Not me!

Tonight on the harvest menu, breakfast burritos, Doritos, cucumber slices & blueberries, and lemon bars (all food must be able to be eaten while on the go). This is quite literally the recipe I made (I have about 30 burritos on hand, they freeze well), I think you could easily 1/2 or 1/4 it. Not fancy but good!

Breakfast Burritos

2 18 pack eggs
1 cup milk
salt and pepper to taste
3 package regular Jimmy Dean sausage
2 larger cans Ortega green chilies
1 average size bag red potatoes
2 average packages shredded Mexican blend cheese
2-3 packages flour tortillas (you can fill them as much or as little as you want).
canola oil for frying

Cut up potatoes into cubes and put in about 1 inch of canola oil in large dutch oven. Commence to frying, with lid on to cook them till they're falling apart with crispy bits.

Begin browning sausage in another dutch oven. Once sausage is browned drain. In large bowl mix eggs with milk, salt and pepper. Add to sausage in pot and scramble. Once firm add green chillies. Don't forget the potatoes. Once fork tender or visibly falling apart drain off oil, pat dry with paper towel and add to dutch oven with sausage/egg/chili mixture. To all of this, add cheese. Mix well.

I like to microwave my tortillas about a minuet so they're warm and you can roll them easier. I put about 1/2-3/4 cup mix in each tortilla fold in the sides and roll them up. Then I roll them in tin foil. They last a week in the fridge or longer in the freezer (in a freezer bag). We like them for dinner with salsa and sour cream.

Friday... fingerprints, thinking, fumbling...

"There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
Youre a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?"

For more on Fingerprint Friday go see Beki at Pampering Beki...

My fingerprints this week... kicks and giggles from a child growing inside me. Ever stronger, ever more insistent little toes and heels and knees and elbows demand to be recognized. Reminders each time that my plans are laughable in the face of my King... a third child unplanned, bringing blessings unexpected already. Those are His fingerprints on me this week.

To that end... I have been meaning to write for awhile. I just don't know what to write. We are surrounded by our day to day, weather, summertime, Josie being busy, Marie and all that comes with loving her.

Wheat is ready to harvest, still it's pretty wet in the fields but hopefully tomorrow we begin. My head has been awhirl with planning, recipes, grocery shopping, organizing a house that is beginning to feel like our own. I thought I could share recipes of what I am making since my kitchen is all a mess with Harvest Brownies, Tiger Butter Bars, breakfast burritos, banana bread (it was not intentional that all the food I make have so many b's in the name...). So I thought I could do that.

I thought I could blog about the importance of wheat harvest, what my Luke and his family do, and how our grain goes to the elevator, east from there and helps to feed a nation. How prices are not what they should be and there's no explanation, how farmer's benefits are being impacted by the government, how new legislation aimed at preventing huge corporate farms is actually going to hurt successful family farms, how the family farm must be saved. It's as American as apple pie and converse sneaks... but that's a little political and I'm just not feeling it now.

I am thinking.

What has been on my mind these days? Why Marie of course. She is. She is amazing. Funny. Sunshine. She is God's love in it's purest form resting in my arms, holding my hand through the night. She is a blessing I am honored to hold. For some reason, how fragile she is is eating at my thoughts. Her voice is changing. It tremors when she babbles, can she control it? Is it the progression of a loss of motor control there? What a thing, for a child to begin to loose their ability to speak. She cannot make words now, why must her ability to squeak and coo also be compromised? Why must she suffer so. I am stuck in a place where it's all just not fair.

On the fourth of July we took the girls to the park. It is a regular park, not intended for kids as special as my Marie. We played. She sat on my crossed legs as I held her torso with my forearm and supported her head as best I could. I held her tiny hands on the steering wheel of the "firetruck" so that she could drive. I pretended corners to the left and right were being taken at high speed, leaning to and fro so that she was driving... she squealed. She loved every moment. She could not have done it without me. She could not have held the steering wheel without Mama's hands to steady her own. She is two.... and my heart breaks when I see the things in her eyes that she longs to do but because of a broken body she cannot.

It is not fair.

It makes me so sad that there are no words to write and I cry, and I pray, and I cry while I pray... I am blessed that the Lord gave her to me to hold for as long as I can, but waiting until Heaven to see her run like she longs to do (you can see it in her eyes) just seems too long to wait. And yet, a moment to Him.

I am fumbling.

My due date approaches quickly, 5 and half weeks to a new life. A new brother or sister, making Marie BIG, and Josie BIGGEST. Worries about this small one creep in when I'm not looking. Will this baby be like Jo or like Rie? Will it thrive and soar or will it sit close, lean on Mama, need me. Can I handle being needed that much? What if, what if, WHAT IF? And I hate it, because "what if" is satan, and I hate him. All of his sin and what not, bringing death. Stupid satan. Stupid what if's.

I try not to think them and just pray... "Lord, let this baby be healthy" is a mantra in my head. And the worst? It is so hard to talk about the possibility of another sick child that I don't know what to say to friends and family. Luke knows.... so I find my head on his chest as I struggle to get so deep in his arms I'm inside him, where I feel safe.

And life marches on... wheat ripens, storms ebb and flow, screen doors bang, we swing a lot. Flies buzz and bite in the evenings, swim lessons must be planned, dinners made, scrapes kissed, laundry folded and snuggles had. I have one hugging my waist, one in my arms, and one in my belly wiggling to be recognized. I am so blessed and it all feels so fragile...

Please pray for the baby, that it thrives. Please pray for Rie. I think she knows her purpose, I think she is so much wiser than me. I'd like to think she see's the angels that I know surround her. I hope that she does not ache at what she cannot do. I keep thinking of ways to make her able...

Poof! or The Flour Incident

This morning I sent Luke to S-town with a grocery list. On that grocery list I had written "flour" (mistake #1). My Luke is a bulk shopper. Right before lunch he came home with a 25 pound bag of flour. It weighed more than Marie.

I heaved that gigantic thing onto a counter and left it to sit until I was ready to do something with it (mistake #2).

Josie came home from preschool. We are lazing around, I suggest making rice pudding for Marie, to see if she will like it. I cruise my favorite recipes site until I find a good recipe. I ask Josie if she is ready to make rice pudding, she replies "yes!" with a bit more enthusiasm than normal. I don't bother to see why (mistake #3).

I am bent over and digging in my cabinet for the appropriate size pan to cook the rice in and I hear this sickening "plop, thud" sound. It was heavy whatever it was. I look up and I see the 25 pound bag of flour is now on the floor. My 36 pound five year old thought that flour was necessary for rice pudding and decided to get some for me. All 25 pounds of it. You can sort of guess how that went. I'm actually surprised that she managed to drag it off the counter.

I just finished putting flour into every possible receptacle I can think of. All of my big storage containers are now full. I thought I better get a picture before I vacuum this up.

Josie just informed me, "You better clean that up before Daddy gets home or one of us is gonna get in trouble." I think I know who. It might be that guy who actually thought I'd get through 25 pounds of flour in this lifetime...

Decompressing, macaroni and cheese, and silly girls.

I have spent the last week sort of adjusting. I've been feeling all out of sorts. Going on vacation sort of made me realize how difficult day to day life can be. Or, it made me aware of how things are here... or because I got a rotten cold everything just has been feeling worse even though nothing has changed.

Marie's doing so well allows time that would normally be spent worried about her to think of other things. Sometimes it strikes me that instead of doing dishes, then washing syringes most people just load the dishwasher and are done. Venting bubbles from Marie's belly has replaced burping, and she wears a mask into the preschool when I drop Josie off for the afternoon. Sometimes, when I'm not at my best and feeling a little down I miss how simple life used to be. If Josie got sick I'd cuddle her for a few days and it would pass. If Marie gets sick I call the doctors to let them know, begin praying, monitor her breathing, ask hospice to come and check her vitals, rock her and hold her and love all over her with a little nagging fear in the back of my head. I miss how easy things used to be.

There are days when I feel completely beat down by the hours of phone calls with insurance and medical billing, Medicaid, etc. The hours of additional nonsense that goes on, the fact that Marie's statement of benefits folder from our insurance company is four inches thick. I've learned that medical billing is something I need to keep up on. I can't trust the bills that come in the mail, I have to double check them as we have repeatedly been billed for things that were not ours to pay. The when that's all done there's still laundry, dishes, and trying to find time for Luke and I so that we stay sane. Sometimes, I just feel tired.

And yet, I willingly, gladly take this all on just to have Marie. She repays me in so many ways... Ugh. I just feel overwhelmed. Advocating is exhausting even though I'm passionate about it, and the struggle to find the hours to provide the care that Marie needs and the hours to provide the time that Josie deserves...

On a brighter note, I finally found a really good macaroni and cheese recipe! This has been on my list for some time, and this one is good! Josie loved it, and Marie liked it too pureed with some half and half.

And finally, I've been meaning to do this forever!

FUNNY THINGS JOSIE SAYS:

This is an old one. On Halloween she was worried about her preschool party. She told me, "Mom, in my class there's way more boys than girls". Why are you worried about that? "Because, what if there's dancing?". Then I had a flash, she expected her very first school party to be like Cinderella's ball!

I burned my wrist on a pot on the stove. Thinking I was alone but still cautious I spelled out my curse words. Later, Josie randomly asked me, "Mom, what does S-H-I-T spell?"

"Bunny drinks really expensive juice. I cannot believe how much his juice box costs." How much does it cost? "$300". Wow, what kind of juice is he drinking? She looked at me like I was a total idiot, "Cranberry."

"Daddy, shave your beard." "Mommy, tell Daddy he needs to shave that beard". Luke looks so deliciously scruffy, I have a total crush on him but I guess Josie doesn't like it.

"Mommy, what's inside of an ant?"

"I think that this candy is purple because God loves purple and He made them that way".

"On this night we do a shower, on this night we do a baff. We do a lot of that because Marie is smelly."

"Why does Christmas take so long to get here?"

I'm going to start a new one, because Marie doesn't say funny things, but she does a lot of things, and they need remembering.

THINGS MARIE DOES:

She can wiggle her ears, and she does it a lot when she's mad.

A chocolate pudding beard all over her chin makes her look alarmingly just like her Daddy.

Marie proved you don't need any noise to laugh. Her silent chuckles are one hundred times better than any belly laugh I have ever heard.

I spent several hours peeling, chopping, spicing apples and I cooked them extra long to make the most wonderful smelling, perfectly textured applesauce ever, just for Marie. She did not like it.

Marie rolled over on her side, either by grabbing the leg of a dining room chair or something. I had been washing dishes and she did it in the few moments between me checking on her. I rushed into the dining room afraid that she hurt herself, or she was stuck, or that she couldn't breath. I rolled her over and she grinned at me. I was terrified and she was thrilled with herself.

I suppose I don't have it so bad after all!

• Luke 2:19 NIV

  But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.