I've been laying low. Unsure of what to say about my life because I'm not sure about my life... so different now. Lots of thoughts but I'm holding them close. Two months out and it feels like two years or two seconds depending on the time. Josie and Sarah demand my attention as they should, we're all sort of muddling along together.
Every morning I no longer wake up and have to rationalize the fact that Marie's being gone is real, it was not a bad dream. It was a hell, reliving it every morning, I seemed to forget while I was sleeping. Now, I no longer have to go through that, but I still have to deal with her being gone and that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I've been spending time with good friends, people who feel the loss and that is good. I joined a bible study... I've got a lot of questions about my walk with God, I'm working on answers. Struggling to accept His will something that must be done moment by moment... growing in my faith I guess one could say.
I bought a new cookbook and got Sarah a snowsuit for winter. I make meals, do laundry, do the shopping, clean the house, cuddle my babies and yet part of me is missing. The part that was Marie's.
What are you when you are no longer the mother of a special needs child? Isn't it amazing how much our identity is defined by our children? I am a mother of three... but one's gone Home and I only have two here. How do you be a mother to a child in Heaven? All the love with Marie's name on it is still here, how do I send it there? Who was I before? Did I loose her? And then there's being a wife and that's a completely different ballgame. Does anyone else struggle with stopping being a mother to be a wife?
I was told once that for life to be in order the priorities must be God, myself, my spouse, my children.... I am so often out of that order.
And these are the thoughts in my head while I pick up from school, wander the grocery store, fold that never ending laundry...
All is well here though, the girls are growing. Josie has some hard days still. We remember Marie together... she is angry because she "wanted a five family". I just tell her that I'm a little angry about that too. We were so looking forward to being a "five family". She likes to visit Marie's site. It is beautiful there. She gathers fall leaves into piles, leaving them just so. Kisses blown up to Heaven... my heart aches for her. She is so strong and brave with her child's faith. A faith I often wish I had. Josie is doing well in school and loving it, beginning to read. It is amazing to me to hear the words of books from her mouth and I often stand struck dumb, to hear my child read to me. It is so simple, but what an amazing gift of God. To understand, to speak, to read the words, others thoughts. A door opened to the world of books and an escape from day to day... to hear her read. I am blessed in that.
Miss Sarah is so chubby. At her two month appointment she was in the 75% for height and weight. Still, from my days with Marie I detest those standards of measuring progress. Still, she thrives. She smiles, she coos, she makes us laugh. She wants to stand all the time. Her exploration of the world is so serious and she is strong willed already. To see her hold her head so strong, to use her hands to do her bidding. My heart soars and breaks at the same time. To see Sarah do what Marie could not for most of her life, just to hold up her head. I am so glad that Little Mama is free from her broken body in Heaven... we delight in Sarah's progress. I will tell you she is just beautiful and her eyes are getting lighter. They will be blue, like her sisters. I don't think they'll be that amazing turqoise sky blue of Marie's though, and that's just as well. Sissy is her own person, she is totally unique and I am loving getting to know her.
We are going slow and being gentle with ourselves, really, there is no other way.