Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Laying low...

I've been laying low.  Unsure of what to say about my life because I'm not sure about my life... so different now.  Lots of thoughts but I'm holding them close.  Two months out and it feels like two years or two seconds depending on the time.  Josie and Sarah demand my attention as they should, we're all sort of muddling along together.

Every morning I no longer wake up and have to rationalize the fact that Marie's being gone is real, it was not a bad dream.  It was a hell, reliving it every morning, I seemed to forget while I was sleeping.  Now, I no longer have to go through that, but I still have to deal with her being gone and that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I've been spending time with good friends, people who feel the loss and that is good.  I joined a bible study... I've got a lot of questions about my walk with God, I'm working on answers.  Struggling to accept His will something that must be done moment by moment... growing in my faith I guess one could say.

I bought a new cookbook and got Sarah a snowsuit for winter.  I make meals, do laundry, do the shopping, clean the house, cuddle my babies and yet part of me is missing.  The part that was Marie's.

What are you when you are no longer the mother of a special needs child?  Isn't it amazing how much our identity is defined by our children?  I am a mother of three... but one's gone Home and I only have two here.  How do you be a mother to a child in Heaven?  All the love with Marie's name on it is still here, how do I send it there?  Who was I before?  Did I loose her?  And then there's being a wife and that's a completely different ballgame.  Does anyone else struggle with stopping being a mother to be a wife?

I was told once that for life to be in order the priorities must be God, myself, my spouse, my children.... I am so often out of that order.

And these are the thoughts in my head while I pick up from school, wander the grocery store, fold that never ending laundry...

All is well here though, the girls are growing.  Josie has some hard days still.  We remember Marie together... she is angry because she "wanted a five family".  I just tell her that I'm a little angry about that too.  We were so looking forward to being a "five family".  She likes to visit Marie's site.  It is beautiful there.  She gathers fall leaves into piles, leaving them just so.  Kisses blown up to Heaven... my heart aches for her.  She is so strong and brave with her child's faith.  A faith I often wish I had.  Josie is doing well in school and loving it, beginning to read.  It is amazing to me to hear the words of books from her mouth and I often stand struck dumb, to hear my child read to me.  It is so simple, but what an amazing gift of God.  To understand, to speak, to read the words, others thoughts.  A door opened to the world of books and an escape from day to day... to hear her read.  I am blessed in that.

Miss Sarah is so chubby.  At her two month appointment she was in the 75% for height and weight.  Still, from my days with Marie I detest those standards of measuring progress.  Still, she thrives.  She smiles, she coos, she makes us laugh.  She wants to stand all the time.  Her exploration of the world is so serious and she is strong willed already.  To see her hold her head so strong, to use her hands to do her bidding.  My heart soars and breaks at the same time.  To see Sarah do what Marie could not for most of her life, just to hold up her head.  I am so glad that Little Mama is free from her broken body in Heaven... we delight in Sarah's progress.  I will tell you she is just beautiful and her eyes are getting lighter.  They will be blue, like her sisters.  I don't think they'll be that amazing turqoise sky blue of Marie's though, and that's just as well.  Sissy is her own person, she is totally unique and I am loving getting to know her.

We are going slow and being gentle with ourselves, really, there is no other way.



DESJ and Company said...

oh shan...
heartbreakingly beautiful. I fear this more than anything. So much of me is wrapped up in Dovi. And like you knew, I know the day will come.

Melinda said...

Shannon, I really don't know what to say. I want to say so much but the words don't seem quiet right. I have been praying for you daily. I find myself out of order everyday but for different reasons. I think it is common to forget the order but my poor husband feels the neglect. I think of you and Marie so often. I am sorry for the hurt you all feel.

Valerie said...

I continue to be amazed with your much felt words, your aluminating heart, and your continual spirit. Your husband and you are just amazing. I hear you through your easy flowing words...and wonder why haven't you put your life into a book? You are the perfect writer, thinker, and at the same time- realize the everyday realities of so many families. Your family has touched so many other lives in so many different ways. Consider would be a perfect for the role. Your world may seem broken right now, but you will someday be that 5-family again physically. You continue to inspire all of us- please don't stop your beautiful music within your heart and soul.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Shan, this entry has tears rolling down my cheeks. I have often wondered what I would be without my Peanut. That's what I am - a special needs mom! Sure I have MonkeyBoy, who's a typical 9 year old and needs me just as much .. but it's different.

I am sorry that you are in this whirlwind. I am delighted that you have your two beautiful girls to share it with. I can't wait to see new pictures of Sarah. :)

The VW's said...

I wish that I could take away your ache. I can't imagine walking the road that you are on.

Being a Momma is an all encompassing role, but when you are a Momma to a special needs child it overwhelms even more of your life and emotions. To not have this part of you, with Marie gone from this earth, must be so very hard! Caring for Marie did become part of you, a huge part.....I'm so sorry that you are having to miss her and fill your life with other things now.

As for being a wife too...that is definitely a whole other ballgame. The other night my husband came home and I was taking care of Gavin in the other room. He sat down to eat quickly because he had to leave again soon and we never even laid eyes on each other before he left again. We just talked to each other through the walls of our house. That's quite sad when you think about it, but mothering and life sure does take up a whole lot of time and effort if you are doing it right! It's sad that we and sometimes our husbands get shoved under a rug, but I guess that's life.

Hang in there sweet friend! I think and pray for you often! HUGS!!!

Nena and Reese said...

Sending you much peace and abundant light. I wish I could give more. Love, Nena and Reese