Questions..

I have so many questions... almost all of them contain the word why.  Why did the Lord take Marie when she did?  Why that day?  Why did she go?  Why couldn't my girls have been together longer than 20 minuets?  Why couldn't we have taken a picture?  Why, why, why, why, why.

I know I won't get answers now, I have to wait for someday.  Then He'll tell me, or He won't.  Perhaps I'll need to know as I kneel before my Lord, perhaps I won't care anymore.  Perhaps He'll hold me while I cry in His arms, or He'll smile while I laugh for joy and cover my Marie with all the kisses I'm saving for her.  Just for her...

I will tell you that we had no idea that Marie was leaving...  She was teething, she had a bit of an ear infection.  Two year molars are rough.  She had cut one of them, the one on the lower right...  I snuggled her all day Wednesday.  She didn't feel good and wasn't sleeping well, but she was teething.  She was still smiley.  I bought her a new book, a pop up version of Princess and the Pea because she was such a trooper at the doctors that morning.  Thursday we left at 4 am after a sleepless night with Marie.  I had to check in to be induced to deliver the baby...  I sobbed when I left Rie.  I almost couldn't go, I couldn't stop crying and I could not bear to leave her.  It was the first time I had left Marie for the day for a long, long time.  Our good friends Marcus and Andrea were with her... they texted me a picture of her smiling later that morning. 

That afternoon my wonderful friend Christy came to be with Marie.  She was the perfect one to be there.  She loved Marie so much, she still does... She kissed, cuddled, played, read stories, loved all over Marie just as I would have.  I can't tell you the peace I have knowing Christy was there.

Princess Marie was surrounded that day by people who loved her.

Luke went home late afternoon, to get the girls.  He called to say Marie was really tired, she hadn't napped all day.  He was going to lay down with her, try to get her to sleep, then bring her to the hospital later.  I was stuck therewith a brand new Sarah, it was so hard for me not to run home...

She wouldn't sleep.  He told me over the phone that he didn't think she was doing very well... He brought Josie and Marie to the hospital to meet Sarah.  Our family doctor was there.  He looked her over, had no suggestions.  Teething is rough, particularly for Marie.  We had 20 minuets of being together, being a five family on earth.  I held Marie the entire time, I fed her butterscotch pudding.  It was precious... I will remember it for the rest of my life.

Luke took the girls home, he bathed them, he loved them.  He put Marie right next to him in our big bed, her favorite place... finally, she fell asleep.  We prayed that night, that Marie would have peaceful, healing sleep.  That she would wake refreshed.  Some time in the early morning she flew...

Our prayers were answered.  She slept peacefully, she was healed.  She woke in Jesus' arms refreshed and perfect.  I know that.  I just didn't expect our prayers to be answered in that way...

Why?  I have my theories... Only He knows...  I try to pray for peace rather than asking questions... I try to be grateful rather than sad...  I try.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail miserably.

We did not get much chance to celebrate Sarah's birth.  We were too busy, to overwhelmed, to broken hearted... we snuggled and loved on Sarah, but there were no blissful first weeks.  I am sometimes angry that time was robbed from us... we celebrate Sarah now.

There are some things that have been mentioned to me and I feel the need to set them straight.  I don't know who reads here, if it makes a difference, but I need to put it in writing for me.  Because I want everyone to know...

I do not believe that the pain of Marie's passing was lessened in any way by the arrival of Sarah.  If timing had been different we would have been just as upset, just as broken hearted.  Sarah's being here had/has nothing to do with Marie's being gone.  They are two different people.  One does not replace the other.  I love Sarah as much as my heart can, but she is not Marie and I miss Marie.  I miss everything about her.

I do not believe that God called Marie when He did because we could not have handled three children.  I would have had a lot to do, it would have been a lot of work but I was prepared.  I was ready, I was excited.  I do not think that it would have made a difference to any of my children's care.  Marie's needs were great, but she also had a lot to give.  It is the worst part for me, not getting to see her be big sister.  She would have been great at it.

I do not think that my ability to mother my girls is in any way compromised by my grieving and grieving hard.  It would be worse to act as though it was okay.  Someone told me not long after Marie passed that I needed to be strong for Josie and Sarah, to pick up the pieces, one foot in front of another and soldier on.  There is no soldiering on through this.  I hug my babies and we cry together.  There is no being tough or sucking it up.  This is like nothing else and I pray that no one reading this must endure it.  Unfortunately this is a broken and sinful world so it happens.  Babies die...  Perhaps my words will help someone.  If nothing else, perhaps they will help others to appreciate their children.

Why today?  Why am I spilling these words, telling this part of the story?  I don't know.  I had to get it out, write it down, set it free.

We never saw Marie as anything less that perfect.  To us, she was not a sick or disabled child.  She was beautiful, she was funny, she was naughty, she was adored.  We chose not to live as though she were dying, we chose to LIVE...  and I think she benefited from that.  She was just a kid, a kid who had a terrible disease but that disease was not who she was.  She fought it hard and it did not defeat her, God just stepped in and healed her in the only way He could... because He loves her so much. 

Our world is shattered but we are rebuilding.  I am dreading the holidays.  I am upset that the world goes on and I know it must...  I hate getting used to Marie being gone.  I am sad for Josie in her loss, I hate that Sarah will grow to know Marie through pictures and stories and not by her being around.  What can I do?  It's my life, it is the way it is.  We have to make the best of it, move forward and all of that.  It is not easy.  It is not fun.  It is so painful...

Still life does go on.  Sarah smiles and coo's.  Josie reads words.  Cooper the super dog ran around with a chunk of cement in his mouth this morning and made me laugh.  I watch movies, I read books.  I try new recipes, I try...  Life is still beautiful, but it is hard...

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