Love this...

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors,"
If I Die Young, The Band Perry

Is that not the most beautiful image?  Can't you just see my Little Mama, all decked out as a rainbow?

Quiet...

I've felt quiet lately.  It's not that I don't have a lot to say, I'm just not sure how to say it...  And we've been busy.

Our days are moving on.  Last week Luke turned thirty.  It sounds so young really... I remember when thirty sounded like the end of the world.  Now, being thirty doesn't really fit the way  I feel inside.  I feel like I've seen to much for thirty, like Luke's been through too much for just being thirty.

We celebrated and had a great time.  We actually went out, together, with friends to a local bar.  I hadn't been out with Luke to a bar since I was pregnant with Marie and then I was fortunate enough to have the responsibility of getting him home.  It has been a long time since we went out like that to just have fun with friends. 

I had a very nice time and made it home to pay the babysitter and get myself to bed at a decent hour which was good because the girls were up at six.  Luke stayed out a little later and he didn't feel very good the next day.  I think going out reminded us of why we never really do it!

Saturday was his actual birthday and I made lasagna and tiramisu layer cake and it was a good day.  Still, on days that are milestones or markers the fact that we are celebrating without Marie carries more sting than usual.  For Luke...  Well, she was HIS baby.  From the moment she was born Marie and Daddy had something special, something that had nothing to do with me.  Whenever she was scared, or upset, or something hurt it was Daddy she'd reach for... He was so incredibly proud to have that little girl.  On his birthday I was sad for him, to celebrate without his little princess.

Once upon a time, long, long ago I thought very different things about what our life would be like as we entered this age.  Now, I don't really plan so much.  We just make do, we get by... and it's getting a little easier but the missing her isn't getting any lesser...

Josie had a rough Sunday and wound up wearing my necklace that reads "Marie Isabel".  She told Luke it helped her not to feel so sad, that somehow it kept the tears away.  I think I wear it for the same reasons some days.  She really missed her sister.  We had put together a Halloween ginger bread house and she was looking at it, and remembered the ones we had done with Marie and just started crying.  I don't know what to say or do during these times so I just rock her till the tears are dried...

Little Princess Sarah is cutting two teeth, on the bottoms on either side of the front ones.  The wind blew in today and its gusting 40 miles an hour outside of this house.  The orange, yellow and gold leaves will be gone after this week and the trees will be blown bare.  It's really, really dry here and we need a rain.  God knows the timing but it's hard not to worry because the wheat doesn't have much time left to get the moisture it needs.  We have pumpkins on the front steps and we will have a little ghost and a little dragon keeping us busy this weekend...

I wonder about Marie.  A friend of mines little girl borrowed our Tinkerbell dress up clothes.  She is just turned four and will be Tinkerbell, I love that she will be wearing them.  I watch her and imagine...  I think of Marie and I have a feeling she would have been Tinkerbell too, and they would have gone running around together, bossing everyone around because in my daydreams she's not sick anymore...  We miss so much...  Just when you think the grieving is letting up you are sad for something that never happened... Something that was never....

But she would have been Tinkerbell I think, and I would have curled that brown hair...  We'd have painted her nails and toes orange and black and if, just maybe she'd never gotten sick she would have danced and twirled around...  Just like she is in Heaven.

New...

It was time to change it up... I'm still working on it.  I changed the photos of my girls to the left... I love Josie there, the looks so amazingly free.  Marie and the silly smile that I miss, that brightened my days... Sarah and that look.  She is so serious about figuring it all out.  I love the way if you look at Sarah and Marie you can see they have the exact same blue color eyes.  It's deep, dark, turquoise and if you look at their father you can see the color reflected there.  I love those eyes...

Please pray for Abigail...

Please pray for Abigail.  She is having a tough time again and it is so heartbreaking to hear of her suffering so much.  Please visit her site and leave her family a few words of support, and include this sweet girl in your prayers...

Laughter...

This morning Josie was watching the Disney channel and one of the old Mickey Mouse cartoons came on.  Luke pointed out to her that the cartoon was older than he and I are.  She looked at him and said "Really?  And the amazing thing is, it's in color!".

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God

So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join.

In my life... "Nearly all of God's jewels are crystallized tears"...

Last night I cried myself to sleep.  It's not unusual but it doesn't happen as often as it used to anymore.  I laid down in bed and Luke and I were talking about the devotion we'd just read and I was overcome...  How on earth do we get by without our child daily?  How does life move forward without sweet Marie?  How is it I can smile, laugh, play, do so many things without her?  Once I believe that I could not breath without her in my arms.  I knew certainly I would not be able to live without her, that life would be a barren wasteland without Little Mama.  I have to tell you in complete honesty, without Little Mama here on a daily basis my life has a gaping hole.  But it is not how on earth we get by, it is instead How in Heaven.

As I lay with my head on Luke's chest and sobbed tears for my baby he reminded me that we get by every single day because we have HOPE.  We have the promise God made us and the ransom Jesus paid and we know just where that child is.  Just because I cannot wrap my arms around her doesn't mean she isn't HELD.  She is in the arms of THE ONE who made the sun and stars, who loves her more than I can even begin to understand and I love that little girl with every cell of my being.

I am beginning to come to a place where I embrace the pain.  The sorrow I feel is part of being mother to Marie and I would not trade that for anything.  I would welcome her over and over again even knowing now how badly it would hurt.  The pain I feel is the measure of how much I love her, and how wonderful she is, and what a witness her life was. 

So my fingerprint... it would be the reminder from my Luke... and the blessing that he is in my life.  My fingerprint is the HOPE I cling to every day, that keeps me from loosing it and crying out in despair.  My fingerprint is the FAITH I have gained since Marie was born, the things she taught me, how she changed my life.  My fingerprint is the LOVE I feel that I cannot explain, the peace I have that surpasses all understanding. 

I miss her so much, but because of our Lord I am able to dry my tears and understand that I must just wait (not-so-patiently) and I will get to hold that little girl with golden skin, brown curls, and purple toenails again... I have faith in God that it will happen just as He told me. Acts 27:25

"Flowers live by the tears that fall,
From the sad face of the skies;
And life would have no joys at all,
Were there no watery eyes.

Love the sorrow for the grief will bring
Its own reward in later years;
The rainbow! See how fair a thing
God has built up from tears." Henry S Sutton

This is the song I heard on the way home from taking Josie to school today... be sure to stop the music on the left before you begin the video...

Today...

It's beautiful outside.

I have piles and piles of laundry to put away.

I thought about Christmas shopping.  Already.

Luke is picking corn.

Josie went to school wearing earrings shaped like little cupcakes.

I am making chicken parmesan for dinner.

Sarah just woke up and I need to go get her...

Today, everything is okay...

Beautiful...

Today on the drive home from the elementary school I had a heavy heart.  Josie was off to school, Sarah was intent on taking her socks off in the car seat, it is really cool this morning... And it is October, 2010...  The world is different than it used to be.  As much as I try to just count my blessings I sometimes cannot get past the desire to have three little ladies here... A house full of children, too much on my plate.  I want to have noise, messes, three little cheeks to kiss at night and more laundry to do.  I want my baby, I miss my girl.  There's this empty place and my heart hurts.  There is a gap in our family that cannot be filled... And it just is inconceivable that I have not seen her for thirteen months, and that I have years to go.  Because despite how much peace I may have, how I can accept that my child was called home, I am her mother.  And I would prefer to have her here... And then this song came on the radio....

Beautiful (MercyMe)

I think the lyrics are intended for someone older but when I hear those words all I think is Marie.  And God used this song to remind me of how much He loves her too...  I'm sad today, but I'm so glad that Marie is with Jesus...

"You're beautiful
You are meant for so much more than all of this"

"You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His"

"Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die..."

"You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His"

She was always more His than mine after all, I cannot be upset that He would want her there.  This world is so imperfect and can be so cruel, she was made for more... 

Days...

Days are flying by on me right now...  sometimes I'm at a loss for what to say.  I don't know what to write.  I try to journal things so that one day the girls can look back and read about their childhood... but because I'm not updating on Marie, and I'm no longer in the depths of the ocean of grief I sometimes don't know what to say.

There's our everyday.  We get up, get ready for school.  Sarah and I take Josie to school and come home and do dishes.  Then we meet up with a friend and walk the dog.  Home for a shower and then there's whatever chores the day holds.  We stop and play, stop for lunch.  Nap time in the afternoon, on Luke and I's big bed because Sarah won't nap in her crib.  While she sleeps I do bookwork, or like today, I mended Luke's jeans.  Then we pick Josie up, run whatever errands are needing done, and come home to play a bit before I make dinner.  Then devotions, bath and bed. 

Josie and Sarah are starting to play really well together.  My heart is filled with joy at that.  They didn't play together for a long time.  Sarah is getting bigger and it makes me happy to see them do things together. 

Our days have a routine, and in that I see flashes of the past constantly.  Something that happens now brings up a memory of something that happened when Marie was here.  I sometimes feel like I have on foot in the present and one stuck in the past.  I am blessed to have so many memories.

Josie is such an amazing big sister.

Sarah is getting braver every day...

Sarah is also becoming a bit of a Daddy's girl...

Though it's unlikely that we will ever have another girl as big a fan of her Daddy as Marie...

Fall is coming on.  The date says it's been here but just today it finally felt it.  The trees are changing, the air has that feel and summer is definitely on it's way out.  It's nice to have the change.  We decorated for fall Saturday, Josie is so excited for Halloween.  I'm going to try to make her costume this year...

And that's how the days go.  I don't know why it feels so busy, but they're over in a flash.

The grief is better now, it comes in waves but the stretches of peace are getting longer.  There are still moments in the day when I look at a picture in disbelief, how on earth could our Rie Rie not be here?  I don't struggle with it anymore.  The best explanation I can give is that something happened that I really don't like.  But I have accepted that I cannot change it.  I have resigned myself to the fact that my heart will ache for the rest of my life and I am just going to have to get by.  I don't like it but I can't fight it so we'll make the best of it.

And this is after all only a moment, isn't it?  The next forty, fifty, sixty years will be but a heartbeat and I will climb steps to the throne and throw my arms around Marie and throw myself at Jesus' feet and I will probably weep.

...and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.  Isaiah 35:10 NIV

Life is such a strange thing.  Mine has taken paths that I never knew existed.  Poor Josie has walked through more in six years than so many older than her.  Sarah in her first week had lived through more sorrow than many will ever know.  God chose them for a reason, just as He blessed Luke and I with Marie for a reason...

So it's fall and the leaves are changing and there's a bite in the air.  There are pumpkins on the steps and I'm using my oven again.  Josie is doing well and Sarah is growing like crazy.  Her one year appointment today told us she is in the 95% for height, the 25% for weight.  She is built like Marie, oh so tall and thin.  And so beautiful.  They all are.  Am I a lucky Mommy or what?

I moved the furniture around in the entry way, the first change I have made to the house since Marie was called home.  Before now I was needing to keep it the same...  For the first time in a long time I am beginning to be able to call myself blessed and really mean it instead of just hoping to mean it...