Monday, October 04, 2010

Days...


Days are flying by on me right now...  sometimes I'm at a loss for what to say.  I don't know what to write.  I try to journal things so that one day the girls can look back and read about their childhood... but because I'm not updating on Marie, and I'm no longer in the depths of the ocean of grief I sometimes don't know what to say.
There's our everyday.  We get up, get ready for school.  Sarah and I take Josie to school and come home and do dishes.  Then we meet up with a friend and walk the dog.  Home for a shower and then there's whatever chores the day holds.  We stop and play, stop for lunch.  Nap time in the afternoon, on Luke and I's big bed because Sarah won't nap in her crib.  While she sleeps I do bookwork, or like today, I mended Luke's jeans.  Then we pick Josie up, run whatever errands are needing done, and come home to play a bit before I make dinner.  Then devotions, bath and bed. 

Josie and Sarah are starting to play really well together.  My heart is filled with joy at that.  They didn't play together for a long time.  Sarah is getting bigger and it makes me happy to see them do things together. 

Our days have a routine, and in that I see flashes of the past constantly.  Something that happens now brings up a memory of something that happened when Marie was here.  I sometimes feel like I have on foot in the present and one stuck in the past.  I am blessed to have so many memories.

Josie is such an amazing big sister.


Sarah is getting braver every day...

Sarah is also becoming a bit of a Daddy's girl...

Though it's unlikely that we will ever have another girl as big a fan of her Daddy as Marie...

Fall is coming on.  The date says it's been here but just today it finally felt it.  The trees are changing, the air has that feel and summer is definitely on it's way out.  It's nice to have the change.  We decorated for fall Saturday, Josie is so excited for Halloween.  I'm going to try to make her costume this year...

And that's how the days go.  I don't know why it feels so busy, but they're over in a flash.

The grief is better now, it comes in waves but the stretches of peace are getting longer.  There are still moments in the day when I look at a picture in disbelief, how on earth could our Rie Rie not be here?  I don't struggle with it anymore.  The best explanation I can give is that something happened that I really don't like.  But I have accepted that I cannot change it.  I have resigned myself to the fact that my heart will ache for the rest of my life and I am just going to have to get by.  I don't like it but I can't fight it so we'll make the best of it.

And this is after all only a moment, isn't it?  The next forty, fifty, sixty years will be but a heartbeat and I will climb steps to the throne and throw my arms around Marie and throw myself at Jesus' feet and I will probably weep.

...and the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.  Isaiah 35:10 NIV

Life is such a strange thing.  Mine has taken paths that I never knew existed.  Poor Josie has walked through more in six years than so many older than her.  Sarah in her first week had lived through more sorrow than many will ever know.  God chose them for a reason, just as He blessed Luke and I with Marie for a reason...

So it's fall and the leaves are changing and there's a bite in the air.  There are pumpkins on the steps and I'm using my oven again.  Josie is doing well and Sarah is growing like crazy.  Her one year appointment today told us she is in the 95% for height, the 25% for weight.  She is built like Marie, oh so tall and thin.  And so beautiful.  They all are.  Am I a lucky Mommy or what?

I moved the furniture around in the entry way, the first change I have made to the house since Marie was called home.  Before now I was needing to keep it the same...  For the first time in a long time I am beginning to be able to call myself blessed and really mean it instead of just hoping to mean it...



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6 comments:

Val said...

Sitting here a year later...finally understanding the cycle of life...Thank you so much for sharing your story, your life, your passion with us. You have grown to be such a strong person, which I will always admire.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

You sound like you are in such a good place right now. I know that the grief will never go away, but you sure do have a lot to be thankful for in every day. I love that Josie and Sarah are playing together more. I cannot believe how fast Sarah is growing up!

Jonk said...

There's nothing at all wrong with a life of peace and quiet and good tilled earth. There are enough stories there to share with the world, as well.

Jen said...

what a great big sister she is to them both!!
baby steps :) I kept everything the same, I didn't want to move anything, or disturb things because I felt like it would mean we were moving on without her..each day, little by little it gets easier..((hugs))

Clarissa said...

Reading your post brings me mixed emotions... I find hope and encouragement in the fact that you have peace and joy even though Marie is gone and you miss her... and it also scares me. Being where I am right now, with Abigail here... I just can't imagine life without her and I don't want life to go on with peace and joy without her (ok, I really do, but do you know what I mean??)... how can we live/survive without her. I know from losing my mom, you just have no choice and God gives you strength and joy and peace, etc. But, sometimes even now (3 years after her death) I just sit is shock that she is truly gone from this life... if I look at the next 50+ years that I may be on this earth, I get overwhelmed. I think "how can I keep going that long without mom? or Abigail??"... but I remind myself again and again... this life is but a second compared to eternity. Time flies by and we awake with Jesus one day, never knowing we spent a second away from Him or our loved ones. I know this to be true, but it's still hard sometimes to imagine going through life without Abigail. I'm thankful that God has given you joy and peace! *hugs*
Josie and Sarah are adorable and that is so awesome they enjoy playing together. Love the pictures of Marie, brings tears to my eyes when I see her... sweet angel!

shan said...

Clarissa, I remember feeling that way. In truth I have been fighting my heart out for the last year. I have been stubborn, refusing to accept what's happened. I think more than anything I'm just beginning to submit myself to God's will in this. I spend a lot of time with her photos... and I sit in shock a lot of the time. And some days I'm a flat out mess, other's I do better. It's just by His grace... and the prayers of many I think that I manage...