Quiet...

I've felt quiet lately.  It's not that I don't have a lot to say, I'm just not sure how to say it...  And we've been busy.

Our days are moving on.  Last week Luke turned thirty.  It sounds so young really... I remember when thirty sounded like the end of the world.  Now, being thirty doesn't really fit the way  I feel inside.  I feel like I've seen to much for thirty, like Luke's been through too much for just being thirty.

We celebrated and had a great time.  We actually went out, together, with friends to a local bar.  I hadn't been out with Luke to a bar since I was pregnant with Marie and then I was fortunate enough to have the responsibility of getting him home.  It has been a long time since we went out like that to just have fun with friends. 

I had a very nice time and made it home to pay the babysitter and get myself to bed at a decent hour which was good because the girls were up at six.  Luke stayed out a little later and he didn't feel very good the next day.  I think going out reminded us of why we never really do it!

Saturday was his actual birthday and I made lasagna and tiramisu layer cake and it was a good day.  Still, on days that are milestones or markers the fact that we are celebrating without Marie carries more sting than usual.  For Luke...  Well, she was HIS baby.  From the moment she was born Marie and Daddy had something special, something that had nothing to do with me.  Whenever she was scared, or upset, or something hurt it was Daddy she'd reach for... He was so incredibly proud to have that little girl.  On his birthday I was sad for him, to celebrate without his little princess.

Once upon a time, long, long ago I thought very different things about what our life would be like as we entered this age.  Now, I don't really plan so much.  We just make do, we get by... and it's getting a little easier but the missing her isn't getting any lesser...

Josie had a rough Sunday and wound up wearing my necklace that reads "Marie Isabel".  She told Luke it helped her not to feel so sad, that somehow it kept the tears away.  I think I wear it for the same reasons some days.  She really missed her sister.  We had put together a Halloween ginger bread house and she was looking at it, and remembered the ones we had done with Marie and just started crying.  I don't know what to say or do during these times so I just rock her till the tears are dried...

Little Princess Sarah is cutting two teeth, on the bottoms on either side of the front ones.  The wind blew in today and its gusting 40 miles an hour outside of this house.  The orange, yellow and gold leaves will be gone after this week and the trees will be blown bare.  It's really, really dry here and we need a rain.  God knows the timing but it's hard not to worry because the wheat doesn't have much time left to get the moisture it needs.  We have pumpkins on the front steps and we will have a little ghost and a little dragon keeping us busy this weekend...

I wonder about Marie.  A friend of mines little girl borrowed our Tinkerbell dress up clothes.  She is just turned four and will be Tinkerbell, I love that she will be wearing them.  I watch her and imagine...  I think of Marie and I have a feeling she would have been Tinkerbell too, and they would have gone running around together, bossing everyone around because in my daydreams she's not sick anymore...  We miss so much...  Just when you think the grieving is letting up you are sad for something that never happened... Something that was never....

But she would have been Tinkerbell I think, and I would have curled that brown hair...  We'd have painted her nails and toes orange and black and if, just maybe she'd never gotten sick she would have danced and twirled around...  Just like she is in Heaven.