Monday, November 08, 2010

I am...

Still here.  I am still here.

I have been in a funk lately.  I think this may have been the longest I have gone in years without journaling.  Over a week of silence.  Call it feeling sorry for myself, being to busy, being cranky, being insecure...  I just haven't had it in me to write whats on my mind and in my heart.

I found myself struggling in the last week more than I have for a long time.  Another holiday without Little Mama.  Halloween was OK, it's always the day after that's the worst.  And I didn't know what to do with myself.  I feel like a bird, beating it's wings against the bars of my cage.  Fighting my reality, and it's totally futile.  I wish I could be content, sit and sing praises despite my situation.

The truth is that no matter how much I wish to be that ray of sunshine, that person of faith so strong that I am content with God's will and submit finding joy in whatever... I'm not that girl.  I'm flawed, and sinful, at at times I'm just totally overwhelmed with how much I miss my baby.

And then afternoons like I had today happen.  Josie and I went over an hour each way to be at the dentists office for ten minuets.  Lots of time in the car, just her and me.  We listened to the radio and cried at "I will rise" by Chris Tomlin  because it makes us think of Marie, we turned up Taylor Swift loud and sang along.  We stopped at Dairy Queen and I had a mocha moo-latte and Josie had a mini Oreo mint blizzard and we just enjoyed being together with no interruptions.

As I was driving I looked back in the rear view mirror and I saw her sitting there, singing the words to Taylor Swift's "Fifteen".  The sun was streaming in the window and her blond hair had fallen out of her pony tail and was floating around her face.  She looked at me with her blue, blue eyes and smiled with her father's mouth and I was struck dumb by the beauty of my oldest daughter.  The one that's been through so much, that worries about me, that argues with her Daddy because they are so alike.  The girl that looses herself in books, daydreams and wants to marry a farmer someday.  God trusts me with her...  I am lucky.

Yesterday I beat my wings against the cage and cried, today I am able to sit on my perch and sing praises... it is by the grace of God and His blessing of peace in my heart...  I am... 
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2 comments:

Holly said...

Shan,
I think that is the most beautiful post. and I want you to know, even though you don't always think it...
I think you are...
beautiful, honest, lonely, strong, insightful, thankful, blessed, wounded, sorrowful, powerful, amazing!...
and I love every piece of you!!
Thank you for letting us into your heart. God Bless

Clarissa and family said...

I already feel like that bird beating my wings against the bars of my cage... unwilling to accept my reality and what is to come... I can only imagine how you feel during these times... when the reality has already come to pass. I don't understand it.. this pain we have to endure while on earth... but we just have to cling to Jesus and what is to come after this life. Praying for God to always be with you... may His comfort always surround you... may you always have His peace! Praying He holds your family close to him and gives you strength! With love and hugs...