Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Life...

Life keeps on happening.  I cannot believe it is already the middle of November.  I'm still amazed that it's fall, that its cold, that the days are shorter.  That is is dark at five o' clock.  That it's been 14 1/2 months...

I struggle with what to write about.  I'm good.  The girls are good.  Sarah is talking more, Josie is doing well in school.  I walk, chat with friends, try new recipes, shop, run around, teach Sunday school, try to contribute to some good causes...  Life moves on.

Only the season is one of reflection and I am struggling with sadness in my down times.  The moment it is quiet and calm and I am at a loss for what to do.  Because in those moments Marie's being gone is overwhelming.  I am missing her so much right now.  Missing who she was, that warm and snugly girl.  Missing who she would be now, who she would have become.  I am struggling not to be angry that she's gone.  I don't want to be.  

I keep routines because they help me cope, I am blessed with good friends who let me talk about Rie all the time and never make me feel weird for including her.  Because the truth is, some people do now.  

Fourteen months is a long time.  But it's really not very long at all.  It will definitely take more time than that to heal my heart.  I don't think it will be whole again until I am before Jesus. 

I feel cranky, anxious, rushed.  I feel lost.  And then in a moment I seem to have it together, I'm reminded why I'm happy, I laugh, I smile.  And then again I cry, I am frustrated.  I cant put a name to, or pinpoint the cause of my unhappiness.  It's just general.

I don't like that at all.  And the worst part is that I really feel kind of crappy for being so selfish.  I'm not worried about Marie at all.  She is Home, with her heavenly father.  She is happy, and she is perfect.  I am upset for me.  That she's gone and I don't get to see her.  I'm upset that Josie misses her sister and is struggling with is a lot right now.  I'm upset that Sarah doesn't try to say Marie's name yet because she's not here.  I'm unhappy that I don't get to snuggle Marie to sleep anymore, that I miss making her laugh.  It's really all about what I want, what I miss, what has happened to me.  And that is crappy and selfish.  So I'm trying to work through that.

And even though I'm feeling this way, it's not all bad.  There is a lot of joy in my days and it keeps the sorrow in check so that I'm not totally overwhelmed.  

Below are some photos of us... lately. 
 Pumpkin!
 Harvest party... being shy.

 First snow...

 Eating nutella off a spoon.
 A ghost and a dragon... trick or treat!
Photobucket

4 comments:

Clarissa and family said...

I don't blame you at all for feeling this way. I can't even imagine how you are feeling... although I try to imagine it all too often. My problem is that I get stuck thinking of the future, the when and how, the fear of what will come. I need to live in the moment, be thankful for this moment, not take this moment for granted. Shan, I think of you all often and pray for you. Praying that you will always have God's peace, praying you can feel content, loved by Him, praying you can find joy in every day, praying that you find comfort in Him during the hard times... and so much more! You are a great mom! Never stop talking about Marie, she is your daughter and always will be! Blog about her every day, I won't care... in fact I would enjoy it! Marie is a joy to have known... a blessing! She will always be a part of you, your life... and ours! With love & hugs always!

The VW's said...

I don't think it's selfish of you to hurt. Loss, especially the loss that you have, is such a strong feeling....which is a feeling that God understands all too well. He understands and He is holding you and He is also holding Marie. Praying He gives you comfort and peace...today and always! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I don't think that your grief can ever be considered selfish. The loss you have endured is beyond what any of us should have to endure. Please know that many of us think of your sweet Marie all the time!

Anonymous said...

I ditto what Clarissa wrote:) She said just what is on my heart too! Remembering you and your family in my prayers..trusting our Lord to comfort you....Never stop talking about Marie...she was special to us too:) God's Peace be with you each moment! ~Elisa