Yesterday was my ultrasound. I had so much anxiety going into it. I was praying that this baby just be healthy, I doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl. Whatever God sends is fine, just let this baby be growing well.
The nice thing was the the ultrasound technician is from here. She was raised a few miles west of Luke and they know one another from "way back". She was wonderful. She took her time, she explained why she was doing what she was. And baby, well... Baby is beautiful.
Tiny little hands were moving all over, and she showed us a profile, a little belly, a little spine. All four chambers of a heart, two beautiful little kidneys, everything growing just as it should be. And then we got to see the bottoms of Baby's tiny feet. There is enough room now that Baby was just fully stretched out. I had never seen the bottom of their feet on ultrasound before. And then she said the words we had been waiting to hear...
It's a girl.
How blessed are we!!?? God has given us four beautiful girls! It was wonderful seeing her, and most importantly, seeing that she is growing just as she should! God is GRACIOUS!
We came home and told Josie our happy news. She had a moments pause, she had really wanted a brother, but is just happy that there is another baby coming. She and Sarah played well all night long and Sarah was so proud to show Josie the pictures of "Baby".
My mind kept reeling though. This is so wonderful, but it is so bittersweet. This happy news brought with it grief I wasn't expecting. I wonder when I will begin to get used to that? There is another little girl I longed to share the news with, to show the pictures of another baby sister to. And she's just not here. And that's the bite. The bittersweet. The tangle. With happy comes sad, with rejoicing comes remembrance and longing. And it's just life now I suppose, and taking the blessing with the pain is something I am learning to do.
Last night I lay in bed and my mind kept calling images of Little Mama, brown hair loose, blue eyes crinkled, smiling at me. Will this baby have brown hair? Will I see Marie when I look at her? Sarah and Josie favor one another so strongly, favor their Daddy so strongly. Marie just had her own looks. She was me, dark hair and skin with her father's blue eyes. God made her so beautiful... And I'm glad He lets her face remain so clear in my mind.
Four little girls, so blessed are we. Four princesses. Luke is so outnumbered! I know that he longed for a son but he admits that his daughters have him wrapped around their little fingers.
It is amazing the turns a life takes. You find yourself where you never thought you would be. I never thought I would have four children. I never believed I would carry twins, if only for a moment. I never thought I would bury a child. I didn't know pain and joy could be so close together. I didn't know how deep God's love is until it held me... We will continue trusting Him... He blesses us.