If you know me in person you know that I am shy. I am too tall and awkward. Clumsy, silly, and I stutter when I'm nervous. I blush easily. I struggle with saying things. It is hard for me to talk about Marie openly, to talk about what our family has been through. I struggle finding the words to express how my child was not a burden, how I was blessed to have her. I struggle to find words to explain what we've been through and how it's changed us. I try... but in person I fail. I can write it though and in those words on a page I can lay my thoughts out. So in person I feel I fail often at explaining just how much I love being the mother to the children God has given. Just how much God has given me in having them.
Often I'm asked by strangers how many children I have... I always say three. I cannot leave Marie out... I don't go into explaining that I have two here and one in Heaven unless the person I'm talking to seems to deserve to know, or need to know. And now that I'm carrying our fourth I talk about my four children, and I talk about how there were twins at the beginning with this fourth pregnancy because I suppose there are five. And in Heaven when you see me walking I think that five will be there walking with Luke and I too... because although only three are here all of them are in my heart and that's what being a mother is. It's loving them...
Today I read Clarissa's blog and her words spoke. The child that died. BLESSING. Would you do it again? YES. Terminal diagnosis, special needs, 24 hour care, a burden. NO, I LOVED EVERY MINUET OF HAVING THAT GIRL. Being around her made me feel better than I have before or after in my entire life. Being around Marie filled me, and you could see God in her. And feel God around her... and that was BLESSING.
Having a baby born and a child die less than 24 hours apart? I don't understand but it was HIS plan and I trust it. Because of where we walked and how He carried us, and taught us to believe... BLESSING.
Clarissa is one of my best friends. I am a little selfish and I enjoy spoiling Abigail... because Marie isn't here anymore... And she lets me. She is so strong and her faith inspires me, fills me, makes me keep moving forward. Her words are beautiful... Please visit her here... today this was my blessing.
And I am blessed, I am one blessed Mama...
2 comments:
Wow Shan!
We are more alike than we realized, I think... we have daughters who are alike and I think they got it from us! ;)
It was like you were describing me!
I am glad you felt blessed by my post.. but I am the one so very blessed by your friendship! Love ya!
Beautiful post Shannon! I am so thankful God blessed Clarissa with you..one who truly understands what she and her family go through..through you and CLarissa I am reminded of what my blessings are...and I need that often!! Thank you both for your words today!!Always praying for you...remembering Marie always...love to you!
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