Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A new recipe...

Yesterday morning Sarah and I made cookies.  Because she is a monster we made monster cookies.  They turned out wonderful.  I enjoyed the time with her.  She's getting so big and changing so much.

She wants to dump every cup of oatmeal, peanut butter, chocolate chips into the bowl.  She wants to taste everything.  She want's to help and lets me know loudly "I help", "I do" and Luke and I's favorite, when she is successful we are blessed with her smiling "I did it!".

I watch her and I'm amazed.  It comes so easily her holding that head, reaching that hand, grasping life tightly.  She is unafraid.  I want to be more like her and seize fiercly, live fully in the moment the chocolate on my toungue and not waiting always for the next tragedy.  For the ground to open and swallow me up.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2 NIV

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. Isaiah 50:10 NIV

Watching Sarah grab with both hands, exploring the world.  Watching Josie read devotions at bed time, thirsting for more words from her God, longing to know more about her Jesus.  Feeling this new baby thrive and grow inside of me... Knowing that I have a princess in Heaven with dark hair and blue eyes and I will hold her again... knowing that no matter what He's here...  It's okay.  I need to trust.

I need a new recipe.  For the last 20 some months I have been holding my breath.  I have known fear. I want to let it go, to just trust.  To enjoy the blessings fully that I have and not worry about the next thing.   I am ready, and it doesn't feel like leaving Marie behind.  It feels like becoming who she, and God want me to be.  It is time to try a new recipe.

And again, "I will put my trust in him." And again he says, "Here am I, and the children God has given me. Hebrews 2:13 NIV

It was good enjoying that simple blessing with my littlest girl yesterday.  Making cookies, soaking her up.  If you are interested, here is the recipe we made.

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