Tuesday, September 08, 2009


Album: Camelot Falling
Song: Remain
Written by: Mike McClure
Performed by: Mike McClure Band

I've been out there in this wicked world
And it pulls me under sometimes
And I can't say I’ve had many days
That it has not messed with my mind

Everybody's searching for the end of the rainbow
I'm just trying to smell the rain
And every joy it seems to be wrapped up in sorrow
Behind every pleasure there's been a touch of pain
But I will remain

Highs and lows
Ups and downs
Heavenly highs and crashing grounds
But you walk a mile in my worn out shoes
Walk yourself right through my blues

Everybody's searching for the end of the rainbow
I'm just trying to smell the rain
And every joy it seems to be wrapped up in sorrow
Behind every pleasure there's been a touch of pain
But I will remain

I've always really like that song.  I like it better now, because it is me.  Only I'm a little lost and not sure who I am anymore.  I am a mother of three, only one is in Heaven and one is independent as hell and puts on that she doesn't need me with every ounce of her energy.  I am a wife... to a grieving husband and my heart breaks for him at the journey he's had to walk.  I'm a sister who doesn't have the energy to talk or to call, I'm a daughter who has always very much disliked being told what to do.  I'm a child of God, I'm an emotional eater.  I am numb with grief yet every ounce of my heart aches with a pain that is hard to describe.  I am a nail polish junkie.  I'll figure it out someday.

Right now I get the feeling I am walking in quicksand, I am moving so slow, my thoughts are moving so slow.  And I'm told that's okay, it just doens't feel okay.  Everything feels so different and I'm a little lost and a little terrified.  The ordinary is overwhelming right now...  I'm grateful for those who care.  For the ladies bringing dinner because I can't string together the process to prepare it right now.  Beyond taking care of the girls I'm sort of non-functioning.  My time management is terrible without Marie and I'm lost without a schedule of meds and feedings to tell me what to do.  I would just talk to her all morning, now I could talk to Sarah, but she's sleeping...  I am so lonely without my little companion.  I am going to the farm this afternoon with Luke...  there's too much house here today and it's too quiet.  



ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Shannon, I cannot even imagine the mix of emotions you are dealing with. I wish I lived near, I would love to come sit with you and help however I could.

Please know that you are in my thoughts constantly. You are never without love!

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you Shannon...you know if you ever need to talk about this to someone I am here for you and so is my mom. You can always call or even hit us up on facebook or email! I know you express yourself better in writing!

Take care of yourself and those little ones!

Love,Michelle Wolff

2awesomekidz said...

Oh Shan, I hate that you guys are going through this. If I have anything to say about grief, it is the most confusing and painful thing ever, non imaginable until you live it. I tell people I feel like I have lived 2 lives and in a way we have. I love you guys and hope to come there again very soon! "Where your grief like an old sweater" Be gentle with yourselves.......
Talk soon!

Kirstie said...

I know everyone keeps saying it will be ok and will get better and we all know that it will but for now it really is ok to be lost and not sure who are what your are god will bring you the peace you need and will help you get things "brought together" again. Enjoy your day at the farm today
Big Hugs

Michaelene said...
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Michaelene said...

You are such an eloquent expressionist. Please know that you, Luke and the girls are being heavily prayed over from our end.He's holding you, you just be.

I hope that you will be able to enjoy some farm/sun time today - Sarah needs to get used to it from early on =)
I send you much love.

Colleen said...


MyLinda said...

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

i wish i were wise and could give you just the right words. i can't. so i will pray. very hard. for you. and luke. and your girls. i hope that you can feel God's hand upon you, as you deal with the extremes of life.

The VW's said...

I'm lifting you up in prayer sweet friend! My heart breaks for you, and yet rejoices with you too. I can't understand the emotions that you are going through, but when I try to put myself in your place, I feel very lost as well. Just know that God is holding you and that you are thought of and prayed for often! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

Jessica said...

I just found your blog, and I wanted to let you know that I am praying for your family. That you will find a way to juggle rejoicing over your new child and grieving the one you sent home to heaven. Know that you are not in this alone!

Nicole Garman said...

I have been praying for you for a long time. It is ironic how prior to having a child with these sorts of needs you cannot immagine yourself with them in your life and then after you have them you cannot ever immagine it without them. Trying to find that new sort of normal will just take time. It of course will never be the same. None of the things in your life define who you are but rather prepares you to be the person that God has envisioned and created you to be. It isn't always what we want or think we want but rather what we need or God needs us for. I am sure there will be a roller coaster of emotions as the time passes and nothing anyone can say or do will fix that. I wish that there was more that I could do but I am praying for you. Take it one second at a time if you have to.

MotocrossMom AKA Autumn H. said...

I found your blog 1 year ago in September 2008. Right after the loss of my 13 yr old cousin and my brother-in-law.
I look forward to checking it a couple times a week to hear about how your girls are doing and how you are holding up in your trials. I was so shocked when I read your news.
Words cannot help at this point, but please know that there are perfect strangers out here praying for you and thinking of you.
You seem to be part of such a strong family, I hope this will help to carry you through the next while.

Danielle said...
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Danielle said...

Shan, these feelings will never go away. It will never ever get any easier. Don't let anyone tell you they will. But what will happen is You will in time learn how to function through them. One minute at a time. Know you are in my thoughts.If you would like to yell, scream and cry please email me:)