That is sort of what I feel like. Missing Rie is such a multi-faceted thing. I am grateful for the time I got, grateful to have been her Mommy, I am glad she is healed, I miss her, I want to pick her up and snuggle her again, I cannot wish her back, I feel peace, I feel despair. I feel joy, love, anger, frustration, emptiness, gratitude, sorrow, nothing, hope, comfort, abandoned... It's a minuet by minuet thing.
I am trying to figure out how to help my five year old through this. She is so lost without her sister, they played together constantly. Josie has always been a handful, but it's different now. She is angry that her sister is gone, lonely, sad... she doesn't seem to know how to cope but then she seems to know better than I do... Yesterday evening she threw flower petals from some tiny pink lily type flowers that have bloomed in our backyard. She threw them as high as she could, ran about picking them up, all the while singing a song she made for Marie about how she misses her and wants to play with her. Then she gathered her petals, mixed them with some broken dried leaves using an old stick, said she was making Marie dinner. Then she screamed at a caterpillar and we went to see if our purple grapes are getting sweet yet... She takes a lot out on me, because I'm safe. I'm glad I'm safe but that's hard.
I feel like we stumble, manage to stand up briefly, then fall down back into the abyss again when hit with all the realizations that this is life now. Stumble, trying to stand again, make it back up only to fall flat again. I know this will go on for some time.
We went to the homecoming football game Friday. Josie had a blast. She screamed her head off for the green and gold... It was nice to be out and about, fun to see people, Sarah was a very good girl and snuggled in her sling the entire time... but it was like we'd forgotten something. Something was missing, we were not complete. A family of five with only four present... Missed Rie a lot... we'll get there...