Sunday, September 20, 2009

Stumbling, standing, falling down...

That is sort of what I feel like.  Missing Rie is such a multi-faceted thing.  I am grateful for the time I got, grateful to have been her Mommy, I am glad she is healed, I miss her, I want to pick her up and snuggle her again, I cannot wish her back, I feel peace, I feel despair.  I feel joy, love, anger, frustration, emptiness, gratitude, sorrow, nothing, hope, comfort, abandoned...  It's a minuet by minuet thing.

I am trying to figure out how to help my five year old through this.  She is so lost without her sister, they played together constantly.  Josie has always been a handful, but it's different now.  She is angry that her sister is gone, lonely, sad... she doesn't seem to know how to cope but then she seems to know better than I do...  Yesterday evening she threw flower petals from some tiny pink lily type flowers that have bloomed in our backyard.  She threw them as high as she could, ran about picking them up, all the while singing a song she made for Marie about how she misses her and wants to play with her.  Then she gathered her petals, mixed them with some broken dried leaves using an old stick, said she was making Marie dinner.  Then she screamed at a caterpillar and we went to see if our purple grapes are getting sweet yet...  She takes a lot out on me, because I'm safe.  I'm glad I'm safe but that's hard.

I feel like we stumble, manage to stand up briefly, then fall down back into the abyss again when hit with all the realizations that this is life now.  Stumble, trying to stand again, make it back up only to fall flat again.  I know this will go on for some time.

We went to the homecoming football game Friday.  Josie had a blast.  She screamed her head off for the green and gold...  It was nice to be out and about, fun to see people, Sarah was a very good girl and snuggled in her sling the entire time... but it was like we'd forgotten something.  Something was missing, we were not complete.  A family of five with only four present... Missed Rie a lot...  we'll get there...

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6 comments:

Max and Ben's Mom said...

Shan,

You are doing amazing. I am so proud of you.

We think of you guys everyday. Max cannot wait to move out and be near Josie all the time. I cannot wait to hold that baby girl again...she is so sweet.

I know that I am not there, but I am here for you!

Charlee

The VW's said...

I can't even imagine dealing with all the emotions that your family is having to deal with! It must be so hard for Josie to understand!

I keep thinking about you and praying for you lots too! May God give all of you strength and peace each day and every day! LOVE, HUGS and PRAYERS!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

So many emotions all at one time. I can only imagine how it feels to be a family of five, with one not here.

You are thought about daily still Shannon. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

easy for me to say...hang in there, when, in all actuality, finding a spot to hang from, is virtually impossible at times. a pinky grip will not always hold you, but The Almghty will be there, to catch you when your grip loosens.

missing is so hard. for you, for luke, for josie. praying for specifics tonight. may He continue to glisten you with grace, peace that passes understanding, and love.

Holly said...

Just know for all those times that you fall down Shan.. God is there softening your fall and helping you stand back up. He is constant. He will always be there and you will always stand up because he is there helping you up. God Bless my friend. I love you girl.

MyLinda said...

I pray for your family everyday! Don't forget about the resources at Josie's school for helping her deal with all of this. When our foster babies would leave we would always have the school councelor talk with our daughter to get a fresh perspective of what she needed...sometimes she just needed to talk, other times she and the councelor would make scrapbooks or write letters.