This time last year we celebrated Marie being free from seizure medication, she was coming back to us. Her personality, her smile, her sense of humor were all back and we felt so blessed. We were thrilled really, our miracle girl was doing well and we celebrated by going to a local restaurant with our girls. Marie got her beloved mashed potatoes with white gravy.
This year... I feel a little like a stranger in my own life. Marie is Home, we live in a new house. A big house we bought for our large family... it feels a little empty now. We have a new baby (something I would have never seen coming this day last year). She is a blessing, but with any new one we have been getting to know her. Poor Sarah, we've been mired deep in the mud of sorrow all the while. Still she is a blessing and she brings us so much joy. My Josie is in kindergarten. Not such a little girl anymore, still a shining star and a streak of light and sound. Luke is my constant, that never changes with him. He is still my safest place to be.
So many changes in one year, I feel like I'm standing still and the world is spinning around me so quickly that I can only make out bits and pieces. The rest is a blur. I am a little lost...
I have been praying almost all the time. I pray for guidance, for my children, I pray thanksgiving that Marie is healed, I cry to Him that miss her. I pray that this experience, this life of mine, this loss of my Perfect Princess is making me a better person. I want to be more like the woman He created me to be. Grief and sorrow suck. It is the hardest thing I have ever endured and it will be for the rest of my life I think... Still, my God is close now. I feel Jesus with me constantly and that is my comfort.
We are slogging through, walking under a great weight, but here even in the darkness there is joy. Even in the chaos and confusion and the grim light there is flashes. It would be impossible not to take joy in Josie and Sarah...
I am a different person from last year... and completely different from the young girl that Luke married. We have grown together... I love him, and I could not be without him. He is one of the greatest gifts of my life.
We are getting a sitter tonight and going to one of my favorite restaurants... last time we went was Valentines Day and I was pregnant then... tonight I get to have a margarita...
This morning on the way home from taking Josie to school I had my Jars of Clay CD on. You know how it is when you hear a song you've heard before but suddenly you are hearing it for the first time? That was me this morning, and the song is beautiful. I was meant to hear it today. I think He wants me to cheer up a little bit, after all, it's my anniversary. My Little Mama is beautiful and healed and perfect in Heaven, I have a little one here to snuggle and nurse and coo over, and a ball of fire to pick up from school at 3:30...
This Road, Jars of Clay
All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth
Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through