Friday, September 25, 2009

My Anniversary

Today is my wedding anniversary.  Luke and I have been married five years...  Five beautiful, joy filled, heartbreaking years.  He and I have grown up together...

This time last year we celebrated Marie being free from seizure medication, she was coming back to us.  Her personality, her smile, her sense of humor were all back and we felt so blessed.  We were thrilled really, our miracle girl was doing well and we celebrated by going to a local restaurant with our girls.  Marie got her beloved mashed potatoes with white gravy.

This year...  I feel a little like a stranger in my own life.  Marie is Home, we live in a new house.  A big house we bought for our large family...  it feels a little empty now.  We have a new baby (something I would have never seen coming this day last year).  She is a blessing, but with any new one we have been getting to know her.  Poor Sarah, we've been mired deep in the mud of sorrow all the while.  Still she is a blessing and she brings us so much joy.  My Josie is in kindergarten.  Not such a little girl anymore, still a shining star and a streak of light and sound.  Luke is my constant, that never changes with him.  He is still my safest place to be.

So many changes in one year, I feel like I'm standing still and the world is spinning around me so quickly that I can only make out bits and pieces.  The rest is a blur.  I am a little lost...

I have been praying almost all the time.  I pray for guidance, for my children, I pray thanksgiving that Marie is healed, I cry to Him that miss her.  I pray that this experience, this life of mine, this loss of my Perfect Princess is making me a better person.  I want to be more like the woman He created me to be.  Grief and sorrow suck.  It is the hardest thing I have ever endured and it will be for the rest of my life I think...  Still, my God is close now.  I feel Jesus with me constantly and that is my comfort.

We are slogging through, walking under a great weight, but here even in the darkness there is joy.  Even in the chaos and confusion and the grim light there is flashes.  It would be impossible not to take joy in Josie and Sarah...

I am a different person from last year...  and completely different from the young girl that Luke married.  We have grown together...  I love him, and I could not be without him.  He is one of the greatest gifts of my life.

We are getting a sitter tonight and going to one of my favorite restaurants... last time we went was Valentines Day and I was pregnant then... tonight I get to have a margarita...

This morning on the way home from taking Josie to school I had my Jars of Clay CD on.  You know how it is when you hear a song you've heard before but suddenly you are hearing it for the first time?  That was me this morning, and the song is beautiful.  I was meant to hear it today.  I think He wants me to cheer up a little bit, after all, it's my anniversary.  My Little Mama is beautiful and healed and perfect in Heaven, I have a little one here to snuggle and nurse and coo over, and a ball of fire to pick up from school at 3:30... 

This Road, Jars of Clay

All heavy laden acquainted with sorrow
May Christ in our marrow, carry us home
From alabaster come blessings of laughter
A fragrance of passion and joy from the truth

Grant the unbroken tears ever flowing
From hearts of contrition only for You
May sin never hold true that love never broke through
For God's mercy holds us and we are His own

This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day
Shelter with fire, our voices we raise still higher
God give us peace and grace from You, all the day through 



The VW's said...

Happy Anniversary! I'm so grateful that you have a husband, like Luke that makes you so happy, to walk through these hills and valleys with! This is a blessing! I hope you can enjoy your night out!

Your year has definitely been a full one and full of lots of changes as well! I pray that you will find peace in all that you have endured!

I am with you on feeling lost. My circumstances are so very different, but this life sure is sending me into a whirlwind lately. I love it when God sends us little glimpses of Him, like He did for you today in hearing that song for "the first time." God did this for me today as well, He sent the most beautiful sunrise to show me that He is near. I needed this today.

Hang in there sweet friend! I'm thinking about you and praying for you! HUGS!!!

DESJ and Company said...

What you write is so beautiful, Shan, and resonates so deeply in me. When you said that it feels like you're standing still and the world is spinning around you? Wow.
I too am such a different person now than when I was when I got married. It's amazing.
Happy anniversary.

2awesomekidz said...

Happy Anniversary! Enjoy your dinner and Marg! You soo deserve it momma! Give the girls some snuggles for me!!!

Anonymous said...

enjoy your anniversary. praying for you!

Colleen said...

Happy Anniversary! Hope you enjoy your night out!

Tiffany said...

Happy 5th Anniversary!!! Enjoy the Margarita and your time together.

Milk Mama said...

Happy Anniversary!