I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.
Christmas without Little Mama was harder than I could have ever imagined it would be. No dresses, no shoes, no showing off my amazing beautiful princess at Christmas Eve service. No presents unwrapped by her, and a blizzard on Christmas Day keeping us from spending special time we had set aside to be at the cemetery. People not mentioning her name, me rambling about her like a crazy woman because she must be mentioned often, and over and over again and I'll be damned if we have a gathering without her being part of it. For the first time in my life an overwhelming desire to hide under the covers... Then Josie having a hard time, missing her sister. We talked about Christmas in Heaven, hearing choirs of angels sing, and how beautiful Marie's dress must be this year after all, it was made by Heavenly hands. We're thinking it was the palest shade of pink and she was barefoot because all though they are adorable Marie hated her tiny shoes, she was happiest with nothing on her feet. We talked about how it's unbelievable how beautiful Marie is now, how she's healed and free. But in the end at bedtime it boils down to simply "I want my sister".
We know just where she is, that Rie Rie is just waiting for us, but it doesn't make being apart any easier. Especially on a holiday where the celebration is our Savior's birth but there is such an emphasis on family being together. Every gathering this year felt a bit like a knife in the side.
There was joy, it was Sarah's first Christmas and it was fun to see her eye the lights and tear some paper, but it was our first Christmas without Rie too... bittersweet.
I know there will come a day when I'm not just getting by and start living again, but honestly it seems like it will never come. It is overwhelming the desire to be with a child that's no longer on earth, and pull of needing to be with the other two is a constant thing. Mother guilt to the power of ten...
So I am holding on... John 16:33. Thank God this is not all there is!