Josie looked beautiful in her dress and danced to every song they sang. She was right up in front in the front row with a little girl friend of hers by her side. On the other side of that little girl was the fellow who is currently Josie's future husband. Apparently he agrees with her, so I was sort of happy to see that there was someone standing between them.
We settled in, Luke with the video camera and me with Sarah as the music began. They were singing "Must be Santa" and as the music started I was rocketed back in time. I've sat here before, watched Josie perform here before, but with a different child in my arms.
Watching Josie Monday night it was impossible not to remember sitting with Marie, watching her little awed face as the music began for a dance recital. Watching her stare at the stage as Josie graduated from preschool, watching her then become incredibly bored as the program drug on. Sitting in different places watching Josie play soccer, Josie do gymnastics. Marie was always watching, and always so happy to be there.
It was tough to be out, to be celebrating, to be a family minus one. I wish she could have been in my arms. To watch her face light up as the music came up and the lights turned down.
Sometimes I am really knocked over by all the memories we won't get to make with Marie...I wasn't ready for this. But I also know that five, ten, or twenty more years I wouldn't have been ready.
Then, in those pain filled moments missing Marie with all of my being I see Sarah's face as she stares at the stage. Mouth open, she has never seen anything like this before. She sits with me, her father, her God-Mother, her God-Father. We play pass the baby and Sarah does remarkably well about two thirds of the time. Luke then takes a fussy little monster out to the lobby and watches the rest of the program from there. She must be up you see, Sarah must always be moving.
Jose's program was wonderful, beautiful, a reminder of an absence and a new experience for a blessing. Double sided, bittersweet... but then that is my life.
My girls were so pretty though.
Of two sisters one is always the watcher, one the dancer.
-- Louise Glück