Can't stop time...

It keeps moving on, moving forward.  Josie knew it had been three months... My heart broke...  "It feels like a long time since Marie's been here" she said over waffles... "I don't like it".  Me either.

Thanksgiving was survived.  I was numb.  I smiled when I was supposed to, laughed when I should have, we visited with one another.  Sarah didn't nap at Aunt Lois' house and was incredibly just a little cranky...  Josie refused to eat her sweet potato balls despite there being a marshmallow hidden in the center.  Luke and I just felt lost.  Both of us thought... Rie would have loved Aunt Gail's lemon jello... the pumpkin pie... the cool whip on it... she would have eaten this, she would have liked that.

After dinner we went to the cemetery to spend some time with her.  Of course she's not there but it's nice to have a place to go.  It was unseasonably warm...  We kneeled on the grass and I sobbed... it wasn't easy.

Saturday we did it all again, at Luke's moms.  Once again, it was okay.  We're not complete, we're still really wounded and still healing... we made it through the day and it wasn't all bad.  Still, it just wasn't the same and it would have been nice to have Rie there...

Josie is missing her terribly.  They were best friends... there aren't many pictures where they're not together, not many things they didn't share.  She is hurting and we're trying to help her. 

Josie would just like to have Marie around... this is what they were doing one year ago today.

They adored each other... it's hard for Josie not to have Marie physically present.  Luke and I both struggle with that.  The permanence of this...  Our girls were close as could be, it's hard for them to be apart.

And then this one... she figured out how to scream.  It's very cute but hard to tell if she's happy or upset... her voice is so high pitched.  Still, to be able to use your voice to assert yourself like that.  To make yourself heard, it's pretty amazing.  Marie stopped crying before she turned one and I hated that she couldn't express herself much.  Over last winter and the last summer she began to be able use her voice again, but still she never cried.  It's a beautiful sound, to hear Sarah.  I'm enjoying it... still, she could scream a little less and it would be okay...

Advent is here.  The wreath is on the table.  We're preparing for the greatest gift, the holiday feels so different now.  Because He loved my Rie so much He sent His son... He knew He would have to die but He sent Him anyway so that Marie could have eternal life.  He loves her that much... it is huge.  Grateful doesn't even begin to encompass it.  Because of Jesus we will see Marie again someday, we just have to wait a little bit...

Happy Advent...