Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?
To read more Fingerprints go to Beki's blog, The Rusted Chain...

My Fingerprint this week...

No words needed.

Please pray for Abigail...

She's having a hard time and it breaks my heart.  You can visit her family here..  please join me in praying for comfort, guidance, and strength...

The girl I used to be...

It's snowy and cold today, here in the middle of the wheat fields.  Our tiny town prayed, God answered and moisture came down.  We needed it.  Our plans to go west to the city for some fun and getting away were changed, this weekend was an upper and a downer.  These days I don't so much do things as just let life happen to me.

I've been sitting here reading old posts, from before my world fell apart.  It is so strange to read the words of the girl I used to be.  She sounds so upbeat but I can hear the worry in her voice, she's so fierce and determined, she seems so strong.  She was me, or I was her... or something.

I feel so different now.  Slower, a little more defeated.  I feel lost, drifting, quieter, paler...  There's this look about my eyes now, like I'm tired but no matter how much I sleep it doesn't go away.  I still smile and laugh, I still am upbeat but I have to work a little harder at it... I fought so hard, was so much, so consumed with Marie and her needs and being with her and enjoying her and without her I just am.  I just am.  I am still Josie's mom, but I worry more about her because she's hurting and lost like I am.  I worry about Sarah because she's so little, and what if?  What if?  It all seems so fragile now, it was before, but it's different... everything is different...

I want to be the strong person again, the one who seems so fearless from her words.  I want to have a bounce in my step, a purpose in my mind and a determination...  I fake it.  I fake smile, joke, laugh in public while my arms are aching and empty and my Little Mama's absence is on my mind.  Sometimes I don't make sense, or I feel a little manic, or I'm a little mean...  I miss the girl I used to be.

I miss Marie really, I am so blessed to have Josie and Sarah but I am just so lost without Rie.  Because she was who she was and I was her voice and arms and legs my world revolved around her...  I thought in terms of Marie so long I lost the knowing of how to think of Shannon...  It aches to not be able to pick her up and cover her with kisses... it's like the sun has gone from the sky and it's a cloudy day... over on the horizon I can see the sun but it's just far away.

This feeling doesn't last.  The sun peeks through those clouds and I get brilliant smiles from Sarah or giggles if she's in the mood, I get hugs and the most beautiful little love letters from Josie.   I get busy, I enjoy and play with and hug and cuddle Josie and Sarah.  I love my husband, I confide in my friends... life continues on...it's just a little grayer than it was.  Not for Princess Marie though.  The sun is shining and she is healed and she finally feels good... she can control her body now, she's no long a prisoner to it's inabilities.  I smile at that thought; because she can hold her head up in Heaven, and everyone can see the curls in the back, by her neck, the ones I would twirl around my finger for hours... 

It's hurting more these days, I don't know why... 

"Her life is formed with purpose, God lets me know that."  In the words of my former self, like a whisper of the best days that I'm struggling to hold on to...  Now to find my purpose...  being a mother is different now...  I am blessed in having two little birds still in the nest but defined by the one who has flown...


I've read my words over and I sound a little sad... but I don't know if that's it exactly...  I wish it was a happier entry, I wish I had more fire...  I want to be that again, that girl I used to be.  Like the buds that push up through the mud in springtime.  Perhaps when the sun comes out again I'll bloom...

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?  Go to The Rusted Chain to see how to join and read other Fingerprints...

This week, my Fingerprint... speechless...

  The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
       slow to anger, abounding in love.
  He will not always accuse,
       nor will he harbor his anger forever;
 He does not treat us as our sins deserve
       or repay us according to our iniquities.
  For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
       so great is His love for those who fear him;
  as far as the east is from the west,
       so far has He removed our transgressions from us.
  As a father has compassion on his children,
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
  for He knows how we are formed,
       He remembers that we are dust...

Psalm 103:8-14

Better today.

Princess Sarah is just fine... no ear infection, she does have a slight cold and is teething.  She also is a little clingy but apparently babies do this between five and twelve months (it is amazing how quickly your forget).  He also said she's tall for her age and with those blue eyes and blond hair is going to be a knockout.  He spent a lot of time reassuring me...  He said mothers who have been through less often just need reassurance... so right now I'm feeling pretty normal.  It's warmer out, I walked the dog for a long time, had coffee with a friend this morning, ate some chocolate and my master bathroom might be completely tiled by evening... Today is better, and I am remembering that I am blessed.

Today

Today Sarah cried all day... I'm pretty sure she's teething.  She isn't napping at all, wants held constantly, cries about everything, her fingers are always in her mouth.  I also don't know if I've shared this but Sissy Sarah has a mean temper.  The kind of temper that is a little intimidating.  Luckily the storm passes quickly and she doens't hold her anger.  It's hard to have her fussy and not feeling good though.  My mind automatically goes back in time to holding her big sister while Marie cried for hours... I couldn't put her down, she was always uncomfortable, she wasn't napping or sleeping at night, she was vomiting multiple times a day.  She was about 9 months old.  She was loosing her skills, my beautiful amazing girls body was being wracked by a disease I was struggling to understand...

Today I held Sarah while she fussed and she cried, common sence tells me she's teething, my emotions are not so rational.  I am scared...  my brain is wired to worry now, to look at things as symptoms.  When I am scared I forget to pray.  I know, it's the first thing I should be doing but I forget.  I should just pray for God's peace, guidance, protection, whatever.  Instead I go right off the deep end into the pool of worry about the unseen...  She's so little and I love her so much and I am a different mother than I was before.  I'm more careful, I hold their hands tighter, I'm more cautious.  The bad things that all mothers fear aren't just nightmares now, the things that go bump in the night have a name and I have stared into their eyes and my innocence is gone.  I'm a little harder, and a lot more protective.  I miss my ignorance but I think I appreciate things more deeply too... mostly I miss my Little Mama, my little best friend... she is irreplaceable...

I'm hoping I get over this.  I've always been a little prone to freaking out, the problem is, life has sort of allowed me to perfect it, I've elevated being obsessive and neurotic to an art form.  Now I'm exceptionally good at freaking out, with a medical knowlege that makes me very dangerous.

That said, I'm pretty sure Sarah is just teething.  Currently it's 8:30 pm MST and she's sleeping quite peacefully in her crib after pounding 8 oz of formula and then breastfeeding on top of it.  She is full of fire and I don't see the symptoms I saw when Marie began to get sick, still the mind is a tricky thing and I worry about it.  (I probably spent way too much time in my own head going over and over things.)

Of course, nothing is under my control anyway.

So today I worried and cried; I put Sarah in the baby sling and walked the dog but my face got cold so I was quick and came home. I made a doctor appointment just to make sure Sissy doesn't have an ear infection or something because I need reassurance and our doctors understand; I washed laundry, picked Josie up from school, bought fruit and half and half for my coffee, kissed my husband, read about installing ceramic tile, talked to my best friend who I know knows I'm a mess even though I didn't say anything, went to bible study and tried to pay attention, calmed down Josie and her friend Max who had had a tiff but they still love each other, ate cereal for dinner as Luke's not home and everything else seemed like too much work.  I made Josie cereal for dinner too.  I bathed my girls in our big brand new bath tub.  While I was bathing them I considered how we would have positioned Marie in the tub on her bath pillow, how I would have helped her sit upright more, I remembered how much she loved her baths.  Meanwhile, Sarah sat up in the tub all by herself... Today I prayed for Josie, kissed her forehead and told her goodnight.  I told Marie's picture goodnight and kissed her too... I nursed Sarah to sleep because that's how I roll and I think it must be a myth that they can soothe themselves to sleep anyway...  Today I made it through.  Today I survived. 

I'm going to work on remembering to pray more when I am scared and it all seems out of control...  I'm going to work on memorizing my new favorite verse and then say it over and over and over again to myself when I have days like today...

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Fingerprint Friday...

Fingerprint Friday, from The Rusted Chain (who makes amazing beautiful jewelry)

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?

Not a where or a who for me this week but a what... this morning I had to go to the dentist.  We live in one of the many small farm towns that dot eastern Colorado.  This means that a drive to the dentist for me is an hour and five minuets, one way...  Sissy was sleeping in her car seat the entire time which means that I got two hours and ten minuets of silence, sweet blessed silence.  I spent it praying, letting my mind wander, and spending time with Marie.  It was wonderful, much needed time.

Busy mind, busy hands, life at full speed...

I keep asking over and over again "Dear world, please slow down and let me catch up to you".  I feel like I have too much going to have a coherent thought, a complete idea, to mull things over and see how to go forward.  I am struggling with this month...  I have a lot to say but in light of my lack of time to think things through I will present my update on us in a disorganized jumble, sort of like my life.

Speaking of, I miss my routine... I miss the predictability of my days with Marie, her schedule and the calm it brought us.  I am really struggling without that right now.

Josie is six now, she is super sassy six.  No one warned me this was coming.  Still, I look forward to her coming home every day.  She's my sunshine...

Sarah could nap once in awhile, that would be nice.  She sleeps through the night though so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be complaining.

I need to get organized, do books, the accountant is next week.  I'm not ready, I don't particularly care.

Home remodeling.  Struggle.  I know I am blessed that we can do these things, we have a beautiful home, I have a talented husband who can do much of it himself.  Still, I am struggling with the change.  Because, while new is nicer it's not like it was when Marie was here...  unavoidable though.  Carpeted kitchens and bathrooms are ridiculous, and our main bath tub and shower is about 33 years old and leaks on my basement bathroom ceiling when I bath my girls, we have to fix these things.

February is passing... March is going to be a hard month.  I feel like the peace that I've worked to find is being broken up, I'm struggling to be content with my place in God's plan...

Josie keeps wanting oatmeal for breakfast.  That's okay, but it's what I made Marie almost every day and I get a little mad that I'm only making one bowl instead of two sometimes.

I can't watch the news because it makes me cry.

Sarah is sitting completely on her own now... she's nearly six months old.  Marie was six months when she was diagnosed with Leigh's Disease.  I pray for Sarah's health and well being, and that God keep my babies safe constantly.  The bottom could fall out on me again and I don't know if I could handle it.  Sarah can do things Marie never could, I rejoice but my heart breaks at how my little miracle had to live her life in a broken body. 

All Sissy Sarah wants to do right now is talk about her Daddy, every thing is "baaa, ah Da!" or "Iiiiy Da Da Da", or even "I di di Da Da ba".... do you think she's just crazy about somebody?

Sarah is going to be six months, that means it's nearly six months Little Mama has been gone.  I don't like it when people ask me how old my baby is.  Yay, she's five months but we lost her sister five months ago (not that she's lost, we know where she is it's just not here).  The timing is not interesting, it sucks.  God had His reasons, but I don't have to like them.

I have close friends and I'm struggling to even talk about how I feel right now, but I don't know what to say... just that I'm tired, I would like to hide next month...  When I cry I can't even tell God why...

I just heard a bucket fall in the bathroom where the plumbers working, I'm going to pretend I didn't and that I'm not concerned about what just happened.  The crash was pretty big...

Josie is doing gymnastics again, she loves it and is very good at it.  Fun to watch her, sucks to sit on the side without Marie in my arms.

Too much laundry... I should really stop putting off doing it.  It probably wouldn't be so bad if I'd be a big girl about it and do a load or two a day.

I have got to stop biting my nails.

Josie asked me after school yesterday if we could go get a "curiped".  Couldn't figure out what she was talking about, realized she meant pedicure.  Told her I'd give her one but she said she wanted one at the salon.  Then I realized that she is getting to be rather high maintenance and most girls her age to do not know what a spa pedicure is much less request them.  Thinking we should wait awhile before I take her for a curiped again...

I want a new purse, I need to resist the temptation...

Princess Marie, Queen o the Universe has a birthday coming up...  How do we celebrate it without her?  What do they do for birthdays in Heaven?

Being a mother....

A friend of mine posted this on her son's Caring Bridge site...  It is amazingly true.  Though my day no longer consists of feeding schedules or meds schedules I am haunted by their absence.  There is rarely a noon, 5pm, or 9pm that doesn't go by that my thought's aren't "I would be pulling meds right now", "we'd be settling in for a nap right now", "we'd be doing a bolus of water and a Hershey's kiss right now".  She was my entire day... I"m still lost without her...  Thanks Nena, and if you all can, say some prayers for Reese, and Miss Abigail who has completely stolen my heart, when you see her you will know why...

Being a Mother

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
That somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother "normal" is a matter of perspective.


Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
That somebody never learned how to program a feeding pump.


Somebody said being a mother is boring. . .
That somebody never stood over their child and prayed they would make it through the night.


Somebody said if you're a good mother your children will turn out good.
That somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.


Somebody said good mothers never raise their voices.
That somebody never yelled for their husband to, "quick run and get something to catch vomit in."


Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
That somebody never spent endless hours on the internet researching their child's condition.


Somebody said you can't love an unborn baby as much as you love one that you hold in your arms, that certain things were "meant to be."
That somebody never lost a baby.


Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
That somebody has never been handed a diagnosis for which no books have ever been written.


Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
That somebody never watched her baby get wheeled into the O.R.


Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
That somebody never managed a med schedule, feeding schedule, nebulizer schedule, therapy and doctor schedule.


Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
That somebody never had children who may never leave home. And if they do leave home, be it a home on earth or to a home in heaven, that child will never stop being a part of a mother's very being.


Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
That somebody isn't a mother. And that person doesn't know that a child can say volumes with their eyes or body language even if their lips never utter a single word.

Fingerprint Friday...

So I haven't written for an entire week which seems like a really long time.... busy days.  Hardwood being installed, bathrooms being destroyed, little girls who don't feel good needed my arms around them.  My husband didn't feel good either and I tried to help him and care for him as much as I could (big men are harder to care for than little girls I think).

Today is Fingerprint Friday, from Beki at The Rusted Chain....

"I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god"
Steven Curtis Chapman
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?

Tonight... after dinner conversation, making the baby giggle, reading our daily devotional... the realization that Marie is in Heaven listening to Bob Marley live.  What an amazing thing, how wonderful the songs must sound, familiar to her, as they were the lullabies I rocked her to...


"One good thing about music, when it hits- you feel no pain"...  Bob Marley