The girl I used to be...

It's snowy and cold today, here in the middle of the wheat fields.  Our tiny town prayed, God answered and moisture came down.  We needed it.  Our plans to go west to the city for some fun and getting away were changed, this weekend was an upper and a downer.  These days I don't so much do things as just let life happen to me.

I've been sitting here reading old posts, from before my world fell apart.  It is so strange to read the words of the girl I used to be.  She sounds so upbeat but I can hear the worry in her voice, she's so fierce and determined, she seems so strong.  She was me, or I was her... or something.

I feel so different now.  Slower, a little more defeated.  I feel lost, drifting, quieter, paler...  There's this look about my eyes now, like I'm tired but no matter how much I sleep it doesn't go away.  I still smile and laugh, I still am upbeat but I have to work a little harder at it... I fought so hard, was so much, so consumed with Marie and her needs and being with her and enjoying her and without her I just am.  I just am.  I am still Josie's mom, but I worry more about her because she's hurting and lost like I am.  I worry about Sarah because she's so little, and what if?  What if?  It all seems so fragile now, it was before, but it's different... everything is different...

I want to be the strong person again, the one who seems so fearless from her words.  I want to have a bounce in my step, a purpose in my mind and a determination...  I fake it.  I fake smile, joke, laugh in public while my arms are aching and empty and my Little Mama's absence is on my mind.  Sometimes I don't make sense, or I feel a little manic, or I'm a little mean...  I miss the girl I used to be.

I miss Marie really, I am so blessed to have Josie and Sarah but I am just so lost without Rie.  Because she was who she was and I was her voice and arms and legs my world revolved around her...  I thought in terms of Marie so long I lost the knowing of how to think of Shannon...  It aches to not be able to pick her up and cover her with kisses... it's like the sun has gone from the sky and it's a cloudy day... over on the horizon I can see the sun but it's just far away.

This feeling doesn't last.  The sun peeks through those clouds and I get brilliant smiles from Sarah or giggles if she's in the mood, I get hugs and the most beautiful little love letters from Josie.   I get busy, I enjoy and play with and hug and cuddle Josie and Sarah.  I love my husband, I confide in my friends... life continues on...it's just a little grayer than it was.  Not for Princess Marie though.  The sun is shining and she is healed and she finally feels good... she can control her body now, she's no long a prisoner to it's inabilities.  I smile at that thought; because she can hold her head up in Heaven, and everyone can see the curls in the back, by her neck, the ones I would twirl around my finger for hours... 

It's hurting more these days, I don't know why... 

"Her life is formed with purpose, God lets me know that."  In the words of my former self, like a whisper of the best days that I'm struggling to hold on to...  Now to find my purpose...  being a mother is different now...  I am blessed in having two little birds still in the nest but defined by the one who has flown...


I've read my words over and I sound a little sad... but I don't know if that's it exactly...  I wish it was a happier entry, I wish I had more fire...  I want to be that again, that girl I used to be.  Like the buds that push up through the mud in springtime.  Perhaps when the sun comes out again I'll bloom...