Thursday, February 11, 2010

Busy mind, busy hands, life at full speed...

I keep asking over and over again "Dear world, please slow down and let me catch up to you".  I feel like I have too much going to have a coherent thought, a complete idea, to mull things over and see how to go forward.  I am struggling with this month...  I have a lot to say but in light of my lack of time to think things through I will present my update on us in a disorganized jumble, sort of like my life.

Speaking of, I miss my routine... I miss the predictability of my days with Marie, her schedule and the calm it brought us.  I am really struggling without that right now.

Josie is six now, she is super sassy six.  No one warned me this was coming.  Still, I look forward to her coming home every day.  She's my sunshine...

Sarah could nap once in awhile, that would be nice.  She sleeps through the night though so I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be complaining.

I need to get organized, do books, the accountant is next week.  I'm not ready, I don't particularly care.

Home remodeling.  Struggle.  I know I am blessed that we can do these things, we have a beautiful home, I have a talented husband who can do much of it himself.  Still, I am struggling with the change.  Because, while new is nicer it's not like it was when Marie was here...  unavoidable though.  Carpeted kitchens and bathrooms are ridiculous, and our main bath tub and shower is about 33 years old and leaks on my basement bathroom ceiling when I bath my girls, we have to fix these things.

February is passing... March is going to be a hard month.  I feel like the peace that I've worked to find is being broken up, I'm struggling to be content with my place in God's plan...

Josie keeps wanting oatmeal for breakfast.  That's okay, but it's what I made Marie almost every day and I get a little mad that I'm only making one bowl instead of two sometimes.

I can't watch the news because it makes me cry.

Sarah is sitting completely on her own now... she's nearly six months old.  Marie was six months when she was diagnosed with Leigh's Disease.  I pray for Sarah's health and well being, and that God keep my babies safe constantly.  The bottom could fall out on me again and I don't know if I could handle it.  Sarah can do things Marie never could, I rejoice but my heart breaks at how my little miracle had to live her life in a broken body. 

All Sissy Sarah wants to do right now is talk about her Daddy, every thing is "baaa, ah Da!" or "Iiiiy Da Da Da", or even "I di di Da Da ba".... do you think she's just crazy about somebody?

Sarah is going to be six months, that means it's nearly six months Little Mama has been gone.  I don't like it when people ask me how old my baby is.  Yay, she's five months but we lost her sister five months ago (not that she's lost, we know where she is it's just not here).  The timing is not interesting, it sucks.  God had His reasons, but I don't have to like them.

I have close friends and I'm struggling to even talk about how I feel right now, but I don't know what to say... just that I'm tired, I would like to hide next month...  When I cry I can't even tell God why...

I just heard a bucket fall in the bathroom where the plumbers working, I'm going to pretend I didn't and that I'm not concerned about what just happened.  The crash was pretty big...

Josie is doing gymnastics again, she loves it and is very good at it.  Fun to watch her, sucks to sit on the side without Marie in my arms.

Too much laundry... I should really stop putting off doing it.  It probably wouldn't be so bad if I'd be a big girl about it and do a load or two a day.

I have got to stop biting my nails.

Josie asked me after school yesterday if we could go get a "curiped".  Couldn't figure out what she was talking about, realized she meant pedicure.  Told her I'd give her one but she said she wanted one at the salon.  Then I realized that she is getting to be rather high maintenance and most girls her age to do not know what a spa pedicure is much less request them.  Thinking we should wait awhile before I take her for a curiped again...

I want a new purse, I need to resist the temptation...

Princess Marie, Queen o the Universe has a birthday coming up...  How do we celebrate it without her?  What do they do for birthdays in Heaven?



Valerie said... is very busy. I know the feeling. All I can say is that we are suppose to be here to be someone special to someone here on Earth. Keep plugging away, that is our job, right? My prayers are with you for this upcoming birthday. It will probably be one of the hardest days encountered...but you will find strength through prayers and God's will.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shannon,

I know exactly what you mean about worring about something happening to our other kids. My last prayer every night is please God let me die first please. I would not survive this pain again. I know Marie's birthday will be a very hard day. My Bernadette was born on Mothers Day in 1986 May 11th. Every mothers day and May 11th I am a wreck I try to remember that I am grateful for the time we had with her. That helps and my boys help me get through her birthday. I will be thinking and praying as I always do for all of you. Love Maria