Monday, February 15, 2010


Today Sarah cried all day... I'm pretty sure she's teething.  She isn't napping at all, wants held constantly, cries about everything, her fingers are always in her mouth.  I also don't know if I've shared this but Sissy Sarah has a mean temper.  The kind of temper that is a little intimidating.  Luckily the storm passes quickly and she doens't hold her anger.  It's hard to have her fussy and not feeling good though.  My mind automatically goes back in time to holding her big sister while Marie cried for hours... I couldn't put her down, she was always uncomfortable, she wasn't napping or sleeping at night, she was vomiting multiple times a day.  She was about 9 months old.  She was loosing her skills, my beautiful amazing girls body was being wracked by a disease I was struggling to understand...

Today I held Sarah while she fussed and she cried, common sence tells me she's teething, my emotions are not so rational.  I am scared...  my brain is wired to worry now, to look at things as symptoms.  When I am scared I forget to pray.  I know, it's the first thing I should be doing but I forget.  I should just pray for God's peace, guidance, protection, whatever.  Instead I go right off the deep end into the pool of worry about the unseen...  She's so little and I love her so much and I am a different mother than I was before.  I'm more careful, I hold their hands tighter, I'm more cautious.  The bad things that all mothers fear aren't just nightmares now, the things that go bump in the night have a name and I have stared into their eyes and my innocence is gone.  I'm a little harder, and a lot more protective.  I miss my ignorance but I think I appreciate things more deeply too... mostly I miss my Little Mama, my little best friend... she is irreplaceable...

I'm hoping I get over this.  I've always been a little prone to freaking out, the problem is, life has sort of allowed me to perfect it, I've elevated being obsessive and neurotic to an art form.  Now I'm exceptionally good at freaking out, with a medical knowlege that makes me very dangerous.

That said, I'm pretty sure Sarah is just teething.  Currently it's 8:30 pm MST and she's sleeping quite peacefully in her crib after pounding 8 oz of formula and then breastfeeding on top of it.  She is full of fire and I don't see the symptoms I saw when Marie began to get sick, still the mind is a tricky thing and I worry about it.  (I probably spent way too much time in my own head going over and over things.)

Of course, nothing is under my control anyway.

So today I worried and cried; I put Sarah in the baby sling and walked the dog but my face got cold so I was quick and came home. I made a doctor appointment just to make sure Sissy doesn't have an ear infection or something because I need reassurance and our doctors understand; I washed laundry, picked Josie up from school, bought fruit and half and half for my coffee, kissed my husband, read about installing ceramic tile, talked to my best friend who I know knows I'm a mess even though I didn't say anything, went to bible study and tried to pay attention, calmed down Josie and her friend Max who had had a tiff but they still love each other, ate cereal for dinner as Luke's not home and everything else seemed like too much work.  I made Josie cereal for dinner too.  I bathed my girls in our big brand new bath tub.  While I was bathing them I considered how we would have positioned Marie in the tub on her bath pillow, how I would have helped her sit upright more, I remembered how much she loved her baths.  Meanwhile, Sarah sat up in the tub all by herself... Today I prayed for Josie, kissed her forehead and told her goodnight.  I told Marie's picture goodnight and kissed her too... I nursed Sarah to sleep because that's how I roll and I think it must be a myth that they can soothe themselves to sleep anyway...  Today I made it through.  Today I survived. 

I'm going to work on remembering to pray more when I am scared and it all seems out of control...  I'm going to work on memorizing my new favorite verse and then say it over and over and over again to myself when I have days like today...
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18


The VW's said...

Great verse to always have on your heart! I needed to read that one thanks!

Our minds are a powerful thing...don't you wish that you could just shut yours off every once in awhile?!

I can't relate to the fear that you have, having had to say goodbye to Marie way too soon. This must be so very difficult!

But, my mind has always been prone to wander and go too far and I also have knowledge that I wish I didn't have! I long for innocence, but that is gone forever.

Thanks for the reminder to pray when I feel overwhelmed! Like you, I tend to forget.

Know that I think of you often and that you are in my prayers! Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Oh Shan ... I can't imagine the emotions you endure. I would be scared too. I am sure that every little thing would send me thinking. I hope the pediatrician checks Sarah's ears and all, and finds her well. It is great that you have such a compassionate doctor. One who knows what you have gone through and will work to reassure you.

Michaelene said...

My sweet friend, please know that my prayers are wrapped around you - day in and day out. I am exactly the same when I become overwhelmed or scared or worried ... I forget to pray. And I always remember that He knows what's in our hearts and hears our prayers even when we think we're not saying them.
I am sorry that you had such a worrisome day - today will be better.
Thinking of you with lots of love and my prayers.

Holly said...

On a far far far smaller scale- I know what you mean about your mommy innocence being gone, also about forgetting to pray.
You know, that little Sissy Sarah is going to be a well taken care of little princess! I hate to say it but I think she already knows it. ;)
Love you and I am glad she is just teething.

Jill said...

I just came across your blog. I've only read these first posts. My heart goes out to you. You did survive today and you will survive tomorrow. The beautiful thing about our Lord is that we only need to think about this moment. He will take care of the rest. I need to get to my 3 y/o so can't write much. My first husband died young, 3 of my children have been in life threatening situations (they are fine now) I know the fear. I will pray for you, Shan, for the peace that passes understanding.