Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Not a first time mom...

I am not a first time mother.  I have three beautiful little girls.

Josie was so easily over-stimulated as a baby.  She would loose it and cry and cry.  I would often find myself in a quiet room away from the group so that Josie could calm down.  Marie was always so tiny.  I remember being consumed with a feeling that she needed protecting.  I never let her cry long, always had her in my arms.  Now with Sarah I am just sometimes at a loss.  She's not my first, I've done this twice before.  The truth is though that there are times when I have absolutely no idea what to do with Sarah.

She cries in the night.  Lately she's been waking up and staying up.  Rather than take it for what it is, her age, testing limits, figuring out day and night, whatever; I worry.  I worry like a champion.  I am up at night in a quiet house with a child who is denying herself rest and it scares me.  She will cry herself sick.  Literally cry until she throws up.  It adds to my worry and makes me a basket case.  Because Marie lost the ability to sleep through the night when she got sick.  I can see the difference, the rational part of me knows that with Sarah it's not the same but I don't know what to do about it.  Marie vomited without warning several times a day for months until it was stopped surgically.  I will never look at vomit the same way again.

All signs point to Sarah being a completely healthy, full of life thirteen month old baby.  The problem is, in the course of my life I have completely forgotten how to take care of a healthy baby.  I know crisis.  I know how to soothe a child getting a blood test for the millionth time.  I know how to change gauze bandage and hook up tubing and make it into a game.  I know just how to cup my hand and thump a back to help weak lungs cough.  I know to rock and sing for hours to try to distract from discomfort.  I know how to read my child's eyes and look for the meaning there, and just how to massage muscles tightened from movement disorder. And when something goes haywire with my completely healthy baby I totally over react. 

I became so good at handling crisis... I've forgotten how to live normally and don't know that it will ever come back to me again.  Sarah is doing things all babys normally do.  I just don't live in normal any more.  Is this a sign of that, could this be the reason for that?

And I need to remember to cast all my worries on the Lord, His shoulders are bigger than mine.  And this will pass...  Luke and I may be a little overprotective, a little compulsive, perhaps we over react a bit.  I think it made us better parents to Marie... and hopefully Sarah will benefit from that too... it's just so different caring for her... it was easier to calm every cry and snuggle it all away...  so that's generally my strategy with Sarah.  Now if I could just get her to sleep a little better...

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6 comments:

2awesomekidz said...

I totally get what your saying. Paige is 6 and I worry about her. She has a tummy ache, is that a sign of her stomach shutting down.....the worry goes on. I beleive our innocence of not having to worry is gone.
Hoping sweet, bull headed Sarah will get some rest soon. Life is so much fun why sleep! HA! Wait till she has kids of her own, that's what I say about Miss P's attitude!

Clarissa said...

understanding your worry and fears.. i do that about all of my kids since Abigail's been sick. i guess it's built in now. will be praying that Sarah sleeps tonight! Hadassah went through a few weeks of not wanting to sleep at night too... and we are still struggling with it at times! may God's blessings and care be with you, Luke, Josie, and Sarah!

Jen said...

I was thinking about this very thing yesterday..its sad that our 'ignorant bliss' is gone..now every little thing could be this or that, a sign of some sort.. its hard to just take things at face value..its just teeth, or just a cold etc..big HUGS!

Anonymous said...

worry. i know i could easily do without it. i am so thankful for the moments i can hand it to God...tough to do, but o so soothing. praying these moments embelish you, lift you, and calm you...in Him, though Him, and for Him...

Anonymous said...

I watched my Mom fade away from cancer and I watch my lil neice Abigail go thru all she does...and I have had only a lil taste of what you and Clarissa are going thru. I am so sorry you are both going thru this..wish I could take it all away somehow...I am praying always....praying Sarah will sleep better and that your worry and fear will ease. May God send his comfort and peace to you all!! ~Elisa

The VW's said...

You are a great Momma! Hugs!