Last Sunday marked two years. Two years since Mama flew home. Two years since God stepped in and said "Enough!" and wrapped her in His arms and took her back. And thank you Father... but it still hurts.
The truth is I am having a really hard time. I am so very pregnant with this fourth baby, and while that is a huge blessing that I cannot give thanks enough for, it also means my emotions are ruling me right now. And right now they scream for that child. I miss her so much. I miss everything about being around Marie. I am going to have a baby soon, and the last time I had a baby I lost one. That sort of messes with your head. The waves of grief keep rolling in and I am struggling to keep myself above water. That, along with the day to day business of a second grader, a two year old and a farmer husband and I feel spread thin.
So last weekend we celebrated Sarah, and we grieved Marie. Sarah's party was Saturday, Sunday in an attempt to get through the day Luke and I decided to take the girls up to the lake. We loaded up the pickup, and the dog, the coolers, and the chairs and left. The weather was beautiful, the lake was empty. We spent the day being together, I prayed a lot and watched my children in the water and it was good. There were still a lot of tears because how can you not shed tears in missing that baby. She was really something and we were blessed with two years, five months and twenty five days of Marie... And even if it had been 100 years it wouldn't have been enough.
Still, there were some mercies last weekend. I think that God sent us a few amazing gifts...
On Saturday, Sarah's birthday, it was hard. Luke and I had to leave Marie that day to go to the hospital for me to be induced. It broke our hearts to leave. Since she went Home there have been a lot of butterflies. Actually, just days after she passed my flowers were covered in literally clouds of monarchs like we have never seen before. On Saturday there was a huge yellow butterfly on Marie's flowers (Josie picked one of these flowers and put it in Marie's hand before the funeral home took her body away). It was as though God said "See, she is with Me".
Two years... and it's not getting easier. The waves of grief don't hit as often but when they do they hit just as hard. We are so grateful that we know where Marie is and we'll see her again. It just doesn't make being apart right now that much easier. She was something special and we miss that baby so much.