Living after...

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  It was hard.  Anniversaries are hard.  And my second Mother's Day without Marie here was difficult.

Josie was so excited and gave me a necklace she had made in art along with a folder of coupons, a card, bookmarks, and a picture all talking about how much she loved me.  Sarah was a stinker, but that's sort of what she's into right now.  The terrible two's have hit my little princess early.  Josie made a frame in Sunday school with her picture in it. 

I kept thinking, Marie would have sung in church.  Marie would have made a foam picture frame for me and I would see her face smiling back.  Marie would have some craft she might have made, Marie in a summer dress and sandals, Marie in her Daddy's arms, the farmer's daughter... if Marie was healthy.  If Marie had been doing well enough to go to church.  If Marie felt good it would have been a very good day.  Because in my mind Marie is always as she should have been, and it is because I know she is healed.

Luke worked hard to make the day special.  He did dishes, made lunch, changed stinky diapers.  I sobbed in the car going to the cemetery...  We do it every Sunday but yesterday was hard.  Because I want her in my arms.  I want the rest of the world to see that I have three little girls and they're beautiful.  I want to kiss and cuddle little knees and feet that would be getting kissed golden by the sun because the weathers been so warm.  I can't equate the child that I love, the one that I fought for, prayed for, cried for, would have died for... I can match her up with the cold stone...

Sometimes it all still feels to horrible to have happened.  And it's been a year and half and I think people get sick of my carrying it with me.  But I can't put it down.  It's my cross, the one God gave me.  And I am better at dealing with it now but the pain hasn't changed.  It's deep, in my gut, it pierces my lungs, and it crushes my heart.  And it still feels the same as it did the day that I saw her last, just sleeping.  But she wasn't, she was gone Home.  And that's what I carry.

And I'm pregnant.  And I am so filled with worries.  Having another baby after having buried one is different.

With Josie I was so blissfully ignorant, nothing bad would happen.  With Marie I was too... through her pregnancy I was just so exited to meet her.  At my 20 week ultrasound she was shy, and so we didn't know if we would be having a boy or a girl.  I remember praying a few days before she was born "Lord, please let it be a little girl".  I was so in love with her name, Marie Isabel.  In my mind I saw a dark haired girl, eyes snapping.  And she was.  But I don't know that I ever prayed for Josie and Marie to be healthy.  I was naive and I just believed that they would be, that nothing horrible could happen to me.

And then we found out about Sarah.  And I prayed.  I prayed that she thrive, it felt like too much to ask God to make her healthy.  I just prayed that this child would thrive.  And she does.  She was a surprise too, at the ultrasound the cord was between her legs.  And there she was, another girl and I was in awe of her but worries of Marie were heavy on my heart.  We barely rejoiced at Sarah's birth and despite that she carried us through the darkest days I have known.

And now this baby.  I am 18 1/2 weeks along.  The beginning was scary, they were so cautious because my blood work was off and my numbers were too high.  There was the ultrasound where I saw the two circles, two lives so tiny their heart beats couldn't even be seen.  And then the next ultrasound when there was only one baby.  And I have been sicker, and I haven't gained any weight.  And I felt this baby move later than the others and because I know the dark, I know the fear, I know the weight, I know that bad can happen I worry.  Do I feel this baby move later for some reason?  Is this baby okay?  And I pray.  "Lord, please let this baby healthy".  Somehow now I'm brave enough to ask for that.  A healthy baby.  I ask God to let it grow, let it thrive, let it's life be used for His Glory.  But I'm terrified.  I don't know that I could loose another.  It's too much to consider so I try to avoid the thought.

Carrying a child after you have buried one is different.  There is joy there but so much worry.  Because I know now, I have seen with my own eyes how fragile our children are.  How fragile our lives are.  I understand fully that this child is not my own, it is only with me for me to love while I can.  And I don't want to let it go, let another go, ever.  Because the hugs that I cannot give to Marie make my arms hurt and I don't know that I can handle any more pain.

Every day I seem to do battle with this fear, this worry.  Every day I feel like I could sink into it.  Instead I just want to be happy.  I want to delight in this gift.  I know so many who haven't had one child, let alone the four I have been blessed with...  and I want to have joy.  So every day I feel like I fight for joy against my worry...

It's different living after the loss of a child.  Even though she's not lost, I know just where she is it's not here.  And that is the hardest thing...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join.

It's been a long week.  A lot going on, a lot of emotions.  I got to share wonderful news with a friend, I have worried about Josie having trouble with friends in school again.  I have painted my house.  I have brought out my summer shoes.  We celebrated Easter... the four of us.  It was, as always, beautiful.  But so bittersweet.

I took pictures of little ladies in Easter dresses after church...  Wishing that the bench was fuller...

We went to Kansas and met our new little niece who is just beautiful... once again I took more pictures and there was an empty space...

Because Miss Marie is in Heaven and Easter marked her fourth baptismal anniversary.  Marie was baptised on Easter when the lilies covered the church.  When Christ rose, when the promise that was made in the beginning was fulfilled.  And now she celebrates Easter in Heaven which must be amazing... but I sort of miss her.

Random...

We have had so much going on lately I feel like I haven't had much time to think, let alone organize my thoughts into something that would make sense written.  Luke and I have been in the midst of finishing several projects.  The garage/shop is nearly done, it just needs painted.  The roofers are here replacing the wood shakes.  It is expensive but it couldn't be put off.  It was amazing how many wasps nests they found under those old wood shakes.  We have also been mulching the flowerbeds now that they're re-done and it looks so good.

We finally got Marie's crab apple in the ground.  We bought a "Royal Raindrop" and I hope that it blooms this season.  I will take a picture of ours soon but this is what the blooms will look like.

I've been praying for Abigail, praying for baby...

I've been up a lot at night with Sarah, her eye teeth are coming in.

I have started a new med for heartburn.  I've never had it this bad before.  It makes  me think of Marie and Abigail and what they live/lived with daily.  My heart hurts for them...

I am trying to save on groceries... and gas.  It's amazing how expensive they are!

We've been keeping house, running around, wishing it was warmer, thankful it's been raining, riding 4 wheelers in the mud with Papa, and so much more!

Fingerprint Friday: Blessed...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join!


"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."  Job 1:21 NAS

Sitting in the doctors office we wait.  And wait.  And then through the speakers of a tiny handheld microphone we can hear it.  Beat, beat, beat.  150 of them, those precious beats.  150 beats per minuet.  And Sarah smiles and says "Dog!"  Because it does sound a little like a dog panting.

For fifteen weeks it has been growing, for fifteen weeks I have been praying.  This tiny blessing, this huge surprise.  A child within me that we didn't know we were ready for.  But God did.  And so he sent this baby.  Two actually, though one vanished back to Heaven in the early weeks.

And I hold my hands around my just swelling belly and pray... "Father please, please let this baby be healthy.  Please let this child grow, let it thrive..."  Because it's all Him, all His plan.  And if He wills it will be so.

Marie was born in a broken body but God's glory shone all over her.  Because she was broken people were healed and the miracle was seen, seen all over her because His fingerprints were all over her.

And it will be the same with this baby.  Whatever will be will be and God will give us what we need to make it through it.  Still I pray, please let this child be healthy...

And we are blessed.  By a baby coming after a storm.  Arriving at the end of the season when we sow wheat... a new season, new crop, new baby.  A baby coming in October.  And I see Luke's eyes twinkle, and I smile, and Josie sings happy, and Sarah has no idea what is about to happen to her.  And Marie... well she is with Jesus in Heaven and that is all that matters.

Because the Lord had given, and the Lord has taken away.  Things change but in the end it is God and God is love...  And blessed be the name of the Lord.

Isn't she beautiful?

Sunday night Josie lost her very first top front tooth.  She had lost both bottom front teeth before but was really excited to loose her top tooth.  The Tooth Fairy brought her some earrnings shaped like stars and covered in black rhinestones.  I was out of coins so I improvised.

She told me I was the best Tooth Fairy ever.  It was nice to see her smile that big!  Isn't she beautiful?

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join.

In the last week I have made bread.  My hands doing the work that my mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, great-grandmothers, their mother have done.  Back to the beginning.  It is time consuming but it is good for my soul.  There's something special in the act of making bread, watching it rise, watching that flour and water and yeast become...

And what a blessing things can become.  My third baby, a fireball.  How God uses her to save me over and over again.

My first blessing, her mind opening.  And her Sunday school craft to bless my dining room wall...  It is good.

The second blessing.  What I learned from her.  That being broken is a blessing.  That even while broken I can give thanks.  That God is, and God is good.  And even Jesus, on the night before they jailed him and beat him, and the day before they killed him.  He gave thanks... 

And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it...
Luke 22:19 NIV

Pin-wheel...

It feels like spring has finally arrived here.  There are more flowers blooming, the trees are budding out.  Today I did my big shopping trip and at Wal-Mart got the goodies for the girls Easter baskets.

Well, first I went to the silk flowers.  I picked out a white lily for Marie that we will put in her vase Easter morning.  I picked out  white, purple (her favorite color), and blue (they match her eyes) hydrangea flowers.  I sorted through until my bouquet felt right and then Sarah carried them, even though the stems were as long as she is tall.

Then  I went to the candy.  There are so many toys, so much.  So much glitter, and cheap stuffed animals, and too much sugar.  None of it felt right.  I couldn't find the chocolate crosses I normally buy.  I had a very hard time as I sorted through the isles of stuff finding something suitable for a cemetery and a stone.  Something that won't blow away in the wind.  When Luke and Sarah found me I was nearly in tears with a silly rubber duck in an Easter hat in one hand and a plastic pin-wheel whose stem was filled with gum balls in the other.  He asked what was wrong and I really started crying then.  Right in the middle of Wal-Mart.  People looked at me I'm pretty sure.

I told him that nothing was right, nothing was right for Marie.  And I need to do something because this is it.  The one thing I can do to care for her now.  I can care for that patch of ground, that silver stone.  She isn't there but I can keep it nice, I can decorate for the seasons there.  I can do something...  I wound up getting the pin-wheel.

It's hard to know what to do sometimes so I sort of follow my gut.  I think I do the right thing.  I know it helps Josie to have Marie included in our holidays.  She likes making sure that Marie's "place" is still there.  And it is.  That empty chair at the table, the shelf with a few t-shirts and pj's on it in the closet, she is in every family portrait that's drawn, and she is everywhere here in our home that whispers memories.  There is the creaky place in the hallway I stepped on every night carrying her to bed.  I can look out the window and see her still, swinging, by a grapevine that isn't there anymore.  I can see her smiling in the swimming pool, I can see her so clearly. 

Today was a little rough.  It would be nice if stores would have a section for us lost parents... the Easter gifts for your daughter in Heaven aisle.  That would be useful.  I think the pin-wheel will be nice.  Goodness knows there's enough wind here in Eastern Colorado in the springtime to make it spin...

Prayer request...

Please pray for Abigail.  She is having a really hard time lately and could use to be lifted up.  I think for their family the most helpful would be just to ask for comfort, peace, guidance for the doctors that Abigail see's, and that her vomiting and pain lessen.  Poor sweetheart!  She is so strong in smiling through all of this!

Silent...

I haven't written much lately.  I've been quiet, and busy.  It's amazing how you get caught up in your day to day life and before you know it a week has flown by.  Honestly, time never moved that fast when Rie Rie was here and I see now that that was one of the gifts God gave us.  Life was quieter, time moved a little slower, we were able to soak her in.

And lately, it's been busy.

I've been transplanting day lilies, poppies, and mums. 

I've been watering sod and digging in soil.

I've been rocking blond headed little girls.

I've been missing Marie... but the ache is different now.

I've been going to Lenten services...  I love Lent.  It is a season of sorrow but I have learned that the best gifts are sometimes found wrapped in shrouds of pain and sadness.

I've been hanging out with Luke.

I've been praying for my niece.

I've had a million thoughts bounce around in my head and leave me wondering and questioning if I am liking who I am.  I can't shake the nagging feeling that I was a better person when Marie was here.

I have made breakfast, lunches and dinners.

I cried when the repairman came and fixed my dishwasher.  It was my birthday and it made me so happy it was fixed.  They were tears of joy.

I turned 31...

I took the girls to the doctor for well child checks and Sarah got a shot.  I also learned that Josie is short for her age.

I started sorting out summer clothes.

I wore flip flops.

I have been walking the dog.

I have been struggling with being consistent as Josie is punished.  She disobeyed and chose to ignore what she was asked to do and got in big trouble.  She is learning a lesson and I know that it is good, and best for her but it is hard to punish.

I have hugged her a lot to make up for it.

I decorated for Easter and hung a wreath with robin's eggs on the front door.  It makes me happy every time I see it.

I have been...  and time seems so fast and a little out of control.  And it's good, and it's bad.  There are things I don't want to miss but at the same time each day is one day closer to Jesus.

Fingerprint Friday... in pictures...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join.

For me this week... it is the photos on my camera.  The moments that God allowed me to capture, for us to remember.  Photos are incredibly precious to me now.  Josie saved in a moment as a newborn, Sarah tiny and brand new.  And they are my only chance to gaze at Marie's face now.  Every photo is a blessing, and though I have a million snapshots in my head that I treasure it feels good to have the pictures... the recording of our lives.

My fingerprint this week is us in March, and the moments I was blessed to capture. 

 

At the Butterfly Pavilion for Marie's birthday.  Josie's dream has been for a butterfly to land on her finger...  I caught the moment...

There were the most beautiful flowers...  It is impossible not to think of Marie there among those flowers and the butterflies and all that beauty.

Sarah's personality is really starting to shine through.  She loves her new rain boots...  this is her after church one Sunday, still dressed up but outside to play!

Sarah is loving lipstick too... the other night I let her do my makeup.  She was thrilled with herself.

Another moment.  I asked her for a "big smile" and this is what I got.  Cheesy, fully of sass, sweet Sarah.

We are celebrating Lent.  Josie is doing a paper chain with a link for every day until Easter.  Every night after dinner we read the link which has a prayer, a conversation topic, a question etc. and add the link to the chain.  We talk about Jesus and the sacrifice and how blessed we are to be saved by grace.

Looking at this picture now I see Marie in her swing...  This really symbolises life for us now.  She's not really gone, still a part of our family just not physically here.  I am incredibly grateful to Jesus.  Because of His gift I am able to live with the hope of seeing my little girl again.

Luke hooking up the flatbed trailer.  They are pulling the old grapevine's out today.  Hauling them off.  A new start of sorts, cleaning up.  Change is a little scary but I'm ready for them to be gone as most were dead anyway.  It will be good to see flowers blooming there this summer... 

We are blessed by the work put before us.  The grapevines being torn out, a new shop going in.  The wheelbarrow is full of bulbs I am going to try replanting (hopefully it will be successful) and I have day lilys and poppy's I salvaged from where the shop went in.  Tomorrow I am hoping the weather is nice and I can be outside getting those plants in the ground. 

Missing...

Today I am missing our Marie like crazy.  I think it's March, with spring coming on, and memories that do it.  I think of her and how the weather getting warmer would have been so good.  We wouldn't be trapped inside for winter anymore.  I could maybe take her outside and we could sit on the steps.

Marie, March 23 2009.  Eating blue marshmallow peeps.

The last March we had Marie with us was rough.  She was in the hospital here for pneumonia, it was a scary time.  I am so glad we don't have to worry and watch her go through that anymore.  It's funny, because now I look back on that time and I am just so sad for her.  So sad that my just-two-year-old girl was in a hospital struggling for breath.  Sad that she had to fight so hard.  Sad that that's what it was like for her.  Sad that she's not here.

It's very double edged, rejoicing in where Rie is now and missing her like crazy and just longing to see her at the same time.  I feel guilty, I still struggle with not asking God "why?".  I work hard to just praise God in His infinite knowledge and power.  He had reasons for calling her home, He knows more than I do.  I cannot understand and I must trust my Good Father and He is.  God is so Good.  It's just hard, and sometimes it's a lot of work not to be angry, not to feel sorry for us.  I don't want to live that way.  I want to be content, I long to accept God's will, and I want to serve gladly, waiting for the day we are all together again.

It is so hard to, when I am missing Marie so much to think that she is four.  Four years old already!  And I don't know what she would have been like at four.  All I know is Marie with tanned skin and light brown hair at almost two and half years old.  Marie who still had some baby left in her.  Marie that I miss so much it hurts to breath sometimes.  Marie...

I miss saying her name, and I repeat it to myself now.  Just to keep it familiar on my lips.  I think of who she might be, how she would be with her sisters.  Then I have to stop myself because for Marie it would have just kept getting worse.

She was doing so good that last summer, but even then the part of her brain that controlled her breath was dying.  It would have kept dying.  It would have gotten harder for her.  I can't bear to think of what she would have had to go through and that is probably why I am so careful to praise God for her healing.  She didn't have to suffer through all those might haves.  She got to dance instead.

I just miss her.  Because she is not four.  She is still my baby, just a toddler.  And they say the pain gets better.  It doesn't.  I just get better at dealing with it.  At living with it.  No matter how much time passes I am still going to have arms that ache to hold Marie.  The rest of my life will be that way.

I just have to work at being glad despite it.  Sometimes that is really hard work.

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to join!

My fingerprint this week came on Wednesday.  Late Wednesday evening my tiny 5 1/2 pound niece made her appearance 7 weeks early (she couldn't wait, I think she must have wanted to come when the crocus were blooming).  They are in a good hospital and there are doctors there who have so much experiance in caring for her tiny body and immature lungs.  We are praying that she grow strong and healthy and can come home soon!

I am grateful for a Good God who gives us the technology and knowlege to care for these tiny babies that come too early.

Thank you Lord for those things so that they may care for tiny M and help her to grow and thrive!  Guide the doctors hands Father!  Hold her close and make her strong! 

(On a side note, Little M is absolutely beautiful with all this dark hair like another dark haired Princess I know, and I am so incredibly excited to get to meet her!)

Spring...

Spring is in the air.  I can feel it and right now I can't wait to get outside.  I am even going to do my windows as an excuse to get out there.  That is a big deal.

We are doing well.  Sarah hasn't been sleeping the best but she sort of knows how to work Luke and I and we're softies so we pick her up.  Trying to quit doing that...

I had Josie's parent teacher confrence last night and she is doing amazing.  Socially and academicly she is where she needs to be and I am so happy for that.  I worried after going through the Marie being called Home that Josie would struggle.  She hasn't been much, and I think we have our wonderful councellor to thank for that.  I am so glad that we have him to ask for advice and for guidance as we still try to figure out living.

My crocus are blooming all yellow and they are beautiful.  I put a red bandanna on Cooper because he wore his blue one out and he looks pretty handsome (for a dog).  Luke is working out at the farm and it won't be long before tractors are rolling, fields needing spraying and millet needs planting.  Spring just seems to bloom with new life.

I have been working hard to count my blessings lately and I have so many...  I am so grateful that I feel blessed again.  It is good.  It feels good. 

My windows are calling!  Happy Wednesday!

Happy...

Things that have made me happy so far this week...

A little silly in Daddy's chair...

Fruit, washed and ready to eat.

That we even have fresh fruit in early March, and that I have clean water to wash that fruit in.  We are blessed and I am thankful.

Strawberries... God really outdid Himself when He made them.  And my 30 plus year old Pyrex bowl from an old home-ec classroom in the early seventies.  They are invincible.

Day to day...

Not too much is going on with us right now.

Last week we got ready to celebrate Marie's birthday and poor Josie woke up very early Thursday morning throwing up.  I got her cleaned up and back to bed but the entire process woke up Sarah (who is the lightest sleeper ever) and I wound up being up with her for a few hours.

We kept Josie home from school and Luke stayed home as well.  Thursday was a quiet day of remembering Marie.  We got her balloons and let them go in the cemetery.  It was sunny but started to rain just as we were leaving.  The flowers at her stone were beautiful and it was wonderful that she was thought of.  We left her a birthday bow, and of course, the balloons. 

That evening I got sick, Luke fed the girls leftovers and we watched videos of Marie.  We don't do it often because in the past it has really hurt to see her.  This time it was good and we were all left with smiles on our faces, not just tears in our eyes.  I suppose that is the passage of time.  The hurt is no less, or any easier to bear, but we are getting better at carrying it.  And honestly, I would not choose another cross.  It was good to see Marie smiling and laughing, we are so blessed to have those moments recorded.

The stomach flu hit me hard and I was out all day Friday and most of Saturday.  Luke stepped right in, and as much as I tease him about how lost he'd be without me the truth is he'd be just fine.  He was so wonderful.

We had planned to go to the Butterfly Pavilion in Denver to celebrate Marie's birth with some fun family time but the bug put a stop to that.  Josie has this Thursday and Friday off school because our high school girls are going to state with basketball so we are thinking we may go then.  I am looking forward to seeing Sarah take it all in, the butterflies, the bugs, just being in a different place.  She was so little when we went for Rie's birthday last year.

And, I'll leave with a few photos.  My girls are getting so big!


Sarah, all ready to go to the dentist in Fort Collins.  She had two teeth coming overlapping and along with nursing at night that caused a cavity.  We were referred to a wonderful pediatric dentist up there and they did a temporary filling.  When she is three or so they'll put a permanent filling in.  Until then they need to monitor it regularly.

Sassy miss...  I had to bribe her with the tutu just to get her dressed that day!

Josie with her cousin Kyle's Flat Stanley that was mailed to us from other cousins.  We had a hard time saying what Stanley go to see while he was visiting our town!  We finally wrote that he got to see tractors, wheat and corn fields, and the co-op elevators!

Thank you all for thinking of our sweet Marie on her birthday.  It means so much to us to know that she is remembered!

Four...

Today she is four.  And I have so many questions... how long would her hair be?  Would she still love Tinkerbell?  Would she be wanting to be more independent?  How tall would she have gotten by now?

And then I stop and think... What would her life really be like if she was here now?  Would she need oxygen all the time?  Would we be in the hospital?  Would she still be that wild, smiling, brown skinned girl she was at two that blessed summer when she felt good and we were so happy? 

Only God knows.  And He decided that she would celebrate her 3rd, and now her 4th birthdays in Heaven. 

In Heaven with choirs of angels singing, no sickness, no death, no heartache and no tears.  No pain, no night.  In Zion....

Happy birthday to you Princess Marie... the day you were born is the most special of my life and I am forever changed by loving you. 

Thank you Father for two and almost a half years with this child that humbled us, brought us joy, taught us, bossed us, comforted us while we tried to comfort her.  Marie was so... I cannot think of the word but just being near her made you feel good.  Thank you for trusting us with the miracle that is your child. 

We love you so much Mama...  We hope you love your balloons.  We can't wait to see you!  We will be there soon, until then we know you are safe and more loved than we can even comprehend.  Happy birthday Princess, the angels sang the day you were born!

First...

First buds of spring poking their heads out...

First sign of my crocus'...

First thing in the morning...

First haircut today...

Please say a prayer for Abigail. She was being sedated today to have some tests run... praying for good news from the doctors and that her precious little body handles the sedation well!