Eighteen...

Eighteen months since we've held you...

Or kissed your feet...

Or seen that smile...

That long since we've hugged you close and breathed you in deep...

We cannot believe that much time has passed since we stared into those eyes...

Or were able to show you the things of this world...

Eighteen months since you've been dancing Marie... Eighteen months you've been home and listening to angels sing...  Eighteen months Princess Marie and we love you so much...  We'll see you soon and we won't remember the hurt of this being without you...  Be good Little Mama...  We love you.


Ecclesiastes 3:4 
"a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,"

Why?

I put Sarah down for her nap and ate lunch.  Then I moved down to the basement office, I had bills that needed paid, farm bookwork, I needed to open mail.

I set my iced tea down and reached for the biggest envelope... better to start there right?  It was from our health insurance company and I scanned the pages.  Me, me, me, Luke, Marie...  Marie.  Her name, beautiful name.  Printed in black and white and a sight that used to be so common.  Her folder was over two inches thick from health insurance... all the keeping track I used to do.  And the date of service, February 6, 2008...  She wasn't even one then.  Now it is creeping up on what would be her fourth birthday... That was so long ago.

Three years ago with a sick baby in my arms that couldn't stop vomiting and they told us she was starving to death.  She was so tiny at nearly one... I remember it.  Only 15 pounds...  I held her in my arms all day long, every day back then.  She'd cry if I let her go and she hurt...  And I remember the doctor appointment they're suddenly billing for, three years late.

We had taken her down for a study, to see if reflux caused her pain.  I had to coax her to drink a thick pink mix, so stubborn even then.  I remember tiny brown eyebrows scowling at me and us just pleading "come on Marie, just a sip, please Marie..."  And the x rays showing her tiny organs, her tiny esophagus down to her stomach and the pink drink coming back up and the pain that reflux must have caused made my heart ache because she was just so small.  And nothing was working back then, we didn't know how to help her.  That was the day the scheduled surgery for her g-tube and the Nissen.  February 6, 2008...

So they billed us this February, for that appointment long ago.  I called them and asked why, why now, why three years late.  Why on a child that is... deceased.  It is a disgusting word.  Sliding off my tongue black and oily.  Deceased.  Evil word, not touching the emotions or the love still carried.  Just a vile word.

The woman was so businesslike.  She told me the account was closed, zero balance.  Then she explained the account is closed because my child is dead.  Thank you.  Thank you for clearing that up.  As though that is a fact that doesn't touch every corner of my heart, shadow every hour of my day, as though I wasn't aware.  I told her it was ridiculousness to even get this statement of benefits.  I told her when my insurance company received the bill, in 2011.  I told her how unhappy we are with Children's Hospital.  At every corner they have been too little, to late, to wrong, and they have never apologized.  We have been mid-diagnosed, double billed, asked to be studied, we have been moved into dirty rooms, we have notified them in a timely manner and still not heard from their grief program until she was gone six months and we were beginning to learn to live again.  But we always get their requests for fundraising dollars, they have no trouble asking for our money.  And I told her that we would choose another hospital if we ever needed that kind of care again.

The lady very politely offered to give me an email address that I could use to file my complaint.  She did not say she was sorry.  I told her it probably doesn't even matter anymore and hung up the phone.

Why?  Why today?  Why did I get this statement?  Why did I have to talk to that woman? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn from this?

It just hurts... because my Marie is gone, baby gone.  And I wish her back every day though I know God won't give her and I wouldn't take her if He did because she's Home... but the hurts no less.  And what am I supposed to learn from this?  Why?

Why this on a heart aching to plan a fourth birthday party instead of wondering how to fill those hours.  That day four years ago I labored long and hard and then she was...  Marie all dark haired in her Daddy's arms and we didn't know anything bad yet, we were just so happy.  Why this reminder as I come up on that day.  That she is gone, baby gone....  And she is not just some account.  She was Little Mama and we love her...

Why this, why today? 

Still here...

I haven't been posting a lot.  Life has seemed so full these last weeks.  Today I've been going through pictures... we switched computers over the summer and some that I know we had are gone... even on the disks I had backed up.  So I've been sort of obsessing over that.

And Sarah has been demanding attention and I love that she can speak her mind so well!  All is ok with us, just busy...  I think we are all feeling the anniversary coming next week, and Marie's birthday coming Thursday.  It's hard to be without her these days. 

I'm going back to my pictures...  Until  later-

Happy....

This one...

Is almost always happy...

Silly.  She works hard to get everyone laughing.

Lately all she wants to wear are skirts.  Anything similar to a tutu or this kitty covered skirt are her favorites.

She loves books and will put a stack in your lap. 

She's always in motion.

She's such a blessing and so much fun.

We are so lucky to have our sweet Sarah Kate!

Heavy...

I feel as though so much lately my heart has just felt heavy.  The weight of it is something I can feel, something I have to breath around.  I have so many blessings in my life but the sorrows sometimes seem to weigh more.

I have been praying... praying for Clarissa and Joey as they adjust to life with a child called Home.  It reminds me of Luke and I in those days.  The one's I don't fully remember the happenings but I can't forget the emotions.  The weight of Marie's loss heavy in my chest.  And it's still there.

I know the hurt, and I hurt still.  Time takes on different significance and it keeps passing on.  Soon she would have been four...  and I try not to let myself but I wonder what Marie would have been at four.  Blue eyes laughing?  How long would her hair be?  Would she still want to cuddle me or would she fight for independence?  And I won't know, not this side of Heaven. 

And soon she'll have been gone a whole year and a half.  How does that even happen?  How can it be when I just kissed her goodnight?  How?  I don't know and I don't like the distance when I think of it and the weight of that feeling is so heavy.

I have been trying to pray, trying to count blessings, trying to see joys and not sorrows.  But it's hard.  Hard when someone I have come to count among my best friends buries a baby.  Hard when I wonder what I'll do when Sarah doens't have any more of Marie's hand-me-downs to wear.  Hard when I bring Valentine's roses to a cememtary (complete with fairy wand) for a little girl that isn't here on earth anymore.

Hard when Josie cries...  Hard when Sarah doesn't say Marie's name yet, only calling the big sister in the pictures baby. 

There is so much to be thankful for, but at moments the weight of the longing is just heavy.  I long for Marie but I ache for Clarissa too.  That she be able to hold her little boy, that I could somehow ease the pain of it.  Even in the sorrow there is beautiful... just bittersweet.

Counting the blessings...

Please pray for Joey and Clarissa and their children as they make their way through there hard days.  Ask the Lord bless them with healing, comfort, peace, and the knowledge of His love.

Hard times...

Please be in prayer for my friend Clarissa and her husband Joey as they grieve the loss of their son Elijah.  He was born and called home last Wednesday.  These are hard times, dark days.  Please ask they feel God's love, comfort, and peace during this time.  Thank you!

Change...

Sometimes I am still completely amazed at the world and how it just keeps turning.  Time marching forward, events of my life pulling me on.  In some ways I want to fight it and stay still, I want to hold close the last time I had Marie and not let it go. 

Then I realize.  There is no benefit in that.  Not for her, not for me, not for the other girls.  I have to move forward... one foot.  In front of the other.

This morning we were driving and I was looking out the window at cold plains, brown grass, frozen trees.  Flying by outside my window and Luke talking, saying something.  The sun shining but still the cold, cold of February.  These brown grasses, they looked this way last year and the year before that. 

They will look brown and dry in the February sun next winter.  Somethings don't change.  The farm fields stretch on and the sky is blue and the wind blows cold.  It doesn't change.  Even though time pulls forward it doesn't change.  And my feelings don't change.  And my love doesn't change.  And His love doesn't change and that.  That is very good.

I am so grateful today the wind doesn't blow like that in Heaven.  Marie will never know the bite of February wind again and for that I am happy.  The wind always stole her breath away...  and I'm comforted that my little girl doesn't feel the wind like I felt today in Heaven.

Calling for prayers...

For my friend Clarissa.  She is having some complications with her baby and is hospitalized right now.  Please lift her up and ask for comfort and peace! 

Busy days...

We have found ourselves very busy in the last week...
Celebrating...

Finally figuring out the stairs...

Trying out our new rain boots...

Being fabulous...

Getting spoiled...

Eating cake...

Hanging out...

Getting attacked by the tickle monster...

Becoming the tickle monster!

And of course... remembering our Marie.  With Josie turning seven it was a celebration without her and we missed our Little Mama...

Seven....

She is... seven... today.  Where have those years gone?  So much life lived and she's becoming someone really amazing.  Today I am filled with gratitude for my fierce independent one.  My girly, lip syncing to Taylor Swift, anything with chocolate please, just like me, artistic, smart, funny little girl.

Happy birthday Josephine, I thank God for you every day!

Amazing...

The last week has been filled with events that have caused me to pause.  I have spent a large portion of time in thought about so many things.  While my hands have worked my mind has questioned, it has pondered, I have felt anger, peace, and ultimately joy.

And then over the weekend Josie became the teacher and I the student.  On Saturday night I put Sarah down and went into Josie's room to pray.  She was sitting in her bed with an enormous smile on her face.  She was so excited.   She said "You know Mom, when you think about all the things that God has done, all the things He has made isn't it just amazing?  And that He sent Jesus for us because He loves us that much, AMAZING!  God is just amazing Mama... I love thinking about Him and all the things He has done."

Just like that I was schooled.  Who am I to question?  Who am I?  It is indeed amazing.  It is amazing what He has done, what He will do.  And I am overjoyed to hear those words from a little girl who has lost her sister, a child who has seen the hard edge of life.  She has gone through it and still she rejoices.  I have so much to learn from her.

Please continue praying...

Please if you can find the time today visit Abigail's site.  She continues to fight a fever and now is struggling with a nasty cough.  Like Marie, Abigail's body does not have the resources to fight a virus well.  Please pray for her, and for strength for her parents.

Thank you,

Shan

Fingerprint Friday and an urgent prayer request!

First and foremost, please pray for Princess Abigail.  Little Miss is fighting a nasty bug and having a very rough time today!  Also, please visit her CaringBridge page and leave her family some words of support.  Let them know you are praying!  They are going through so much right now and every time we have struggled your words have given us strength and helped us carry one.  Let's do the same for them!

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join.

This week my fingerprint is the snapshots of our life.  Nothing too fancy, just the day to day of us.  I treasure the routine.  After being on a roller coaster with Marie and our days being dictated by worry and wondering when the bottom would all fall out I promised God I would never complain about boredom again. 

So, here's to the same ol', same ol'.  The dishes in the sink, the walk that needs shoveled, the laundry that needs folded and the day to day.  I am so grateful today that Princess Marie dances in Heaven and no matter how much I miss her, I am so glad I don't have to worry for her anymore.

Playing in the snow the beginning of this month...

Marie's photo in the dining room and an angel someone gave us when she went Home.  I like having the photo there.  From where I sit it's almost as if she's at the table with us.

All diva, all the time.

Silly...

Driving Josie crazy...

The ice storm this week.  It was beautiful.  As though God had angels paint each branch.

Marie's flower covered in frost.  So delicate and like her, obviously crafted by the Master's hand.

Lord...

 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

Romans 8: 26-27 

For the last two days I have been trying to pray for a friend.  A wonderful woman, who is a sister in Christ but also a sister of my heart as she walks my road.  She loves a daughter like my daughter... She is so strong but life happens and her feet have been knocked from beneath her I know...  And there's nothing that anyone can do to take away the hurt and the sting that I am sure she is going through and I want to do something.  Pray. 

And I have so many words in my heart and head bursting for release and I sit to pray...  All I can say is "Lord..."  And I have so much else but don't say it.  Just that one word, saying it in desperation, saying it when you don't know what else to say.  It encompasses the why?, the please, the now, how?, the miracle...

And the Book tells me it is enough.

"Lord..." 

Pray...

Ice coats everything today.  From bare branches to side streets to the steel flowers blooming in my garden.  It is cold.  The highways are slick, the roads too bad for Luke to drive the semi as he takes millet we've stored to the elevator.  There's it's sold and it rides trains east or west to big cities, to feed people, but not our grain.  Not today anyway.  Tomorrow he will haul again.

And the ice brings quiet.  And time for thought.  And time for reading.  Today I was reading the writings of Ann Voskamp.  Her words bring a peace to my soul.  She talked about praying.  She wrote the words “The only thing that prevents me from praying more is me.”

I hang my head with her, ashamed.  I want to commune with Jesus, I long to lay my head at the Lord's feet and find the stillness there.  So why don't I do it more?  It is my own fault.  Because I feel the toys need gathering, the counters wiped down, the washing machine filled and emptied again.  This morning I made time for a tea party with my littlest princess, but I did not make time for my God.

I whisper silent one sentence prayers through a day, I pray at night asking for safety, that He guard my sleeping children.  As I think of people here and there I ask God to see to them.  But rarely am I still.  Rarely do I kneed silent before Him and listen to what He has to say.  I fill the Lords day with my words, never pausing for His.

I want to be a better woman... A better daughter.  How could I keep forgetting to spend time with my Father?  I want to sit silently and learn the lessons from He who formed the world.  The one who sees Marie before Him. 

I know I am blessed by His telling me things very clearly at times.  The Lord has put His words inside my head at times in my life telling me simply what I am to do right now.  He always stops me in my tracks and I am filled with gratitude at the presence of Him.  If I would take the time to sit quietly with Him more often would I get to hear His voice more?

I wonder, and I am humbled...  And I am going to try so very, very hard to pray more.  Or just sit, being still with God.

Done...

I am done with that woman who has the cold voice.  I finished with her this morning.  After talking to the husband, and his father it became aware that I was taken yesterday.  She was calling to sell insurance.  It was not something decided but something she was pushing, making me think that I needed to do it.  And from there she invaded our accounts.  We didn't need to talk about beneficiaries, it wasn't the reason for her call.  But she took it there.

And I didn't need to tell her about our Marie, my father in law told them at the office, a long time ago.

And that made me a little mad.  So I called and talked to the man in charge.  I told him how that call made me feel...  How it upset me, and upset my husband, and upset his father.  All so she could sell some insurance.

And she isn't handling our accounts anymore.

In the words of Sarah Palin "you don't mess with a Mama Grizzly".  Or the mother of a special needs child.  My ability to tolerate being pushed around was maxed out a long time ago and I am still fierce about protecting us. 

The telling...

I woke this morning scratchy throat sore, face aching.  Sick.  I push on, I don't like slowing down.  No resting, regular day.

After lunch our phone rings...  A woman's voice, asking about life insurance.  Ahhh, the work of a farmers wife.  And I talk to her about this and that, for the farm.  For it's interests.  She is a financial adviser after all, it is her business the details of the farm somehow, her voice seems cold.

After her talk of this and that I ask her... we have money scraped together.  Saved carefully for college educations.  Dreams for the far future where I am still afraid to dream.  For my daughters, their beginning.  What to do with this money?  How do we save for Sarah, add to Josie's or open a new account?  Because we do this when they are one... and when Marie turned one things were different and we did not save for her far future, we were just loving her and taking care of her for that day.  And she asks me, how many children do you have now?

The world slows its spinning and I reach a hand for the dining room table because I need to hold on.  Three, I say, but only two here.

What about beneficiaries, of our accounts.  This is after all about farm business, not about babies.  You are saving she says, for Josie and Sarah.  What about Marie.  I have Josie and Marie listed as beneficiaries.

What about Marie indeed?  Marie who dances with the angels and sings praises in the gleaming city that is Heaven.

Marie has passed on I say, choking and gulping out the words.  Leaning my forehead against the cool glass of the window.  Wishing this wasn't happening.  The telling.  The telling that my baby, Little Mama is gone.

Well, the cold voiced woman says,  she'll need to be removed as your beneficiary seeing as she has passed away.  She does not say she is sorry.

Not away, just to Heaven!  I scream silent in my head.

How do I spell Sarah, what is her birthday?  On and on goes the cold voiced woman who's world seems to me a place of facts, figures, values.  Not my world.  Not the world of the lives we are discussing.  That world is faith, soil, sun warmed earth, wheat golden, children smiling, Marie dancing... somehow my vision of here is blurred with my hopes of Heaven.

She says a few more times this and that, what we must do.  Because of course, Marie has passed away. (She keeps saying it.  Lord please, make her stop saying it.)  Marie must be removed because she is not now.  And I stumble and mumble my way through.  And I hang up the phone and my tears fall hot, collapsed at my desk, holding my smallest baby on my lap.

Because the telling, the TELLING.  It has exhausted me.  Because I have just had to tell that my girl died.  The biggest wish of don't happen came true and I am here and Marie is not now.  And tears fall hot, choking my sore throat and I am back to the days and weeks of after Marie when I had to do the telling to the insurance, the hospitals, the plan makers.  And the hurt, the hurt of it all.

Shaking hands call Luke and I cry to him, hot tears, spilling pain.  And he whispers hushed comforts and I hold the littlest on my lap.

And I cry hot tears and rain falls wet in January...

Even though Marie is not now Jesus still is.  He was before her birth, He was with us when we were with her, He was after, He is now.  Jesus stays the same.  And white knuckled I cling to him, crying silent.  Jesus is the same...  and He will be the same tomorrow.  And for me that is enough.