Busy...

We have been really busy at our house.  Because Luke farms mid-winter is our time to do house projects.  This year it is painting the kitchen cabinets.  I cannot believe it's been nearly three years since we moved to this house, and painting the kitchen is one of our last big projects to do.  We still need to finish the basement bath and at some point install larger windows in the basement bedrooms but those are a long way off yet.

Getting the cabinets painted is mostly Luke's job.  I've been busy with Eva and fighting a terrible cold so I haven't been much help to him.

Eva is going to be four months old in a week and going through that super clingy stage.  She doesn't want down for anything.  Her personality seems to be a lot like Josie.  Sort of sensitive, and easily overwhelmed.  Not the easiest baby in the world.  She hasn't given us a real giggle yet, but does chuckle a bit when you tickle her.  Getting better on her tummy.  The trick is getting her to go along with being out of my arms!

The kitchen project in the beginning stages....

You can see the beginnings of the finished product here.  We went with a charcoal gray.

Just busy and blessed with these girls!

Eight....

Eight years have flown by!  Josie had a wonderful birthday.  It is amazing watching her become... whatever it is that God wants her to be.

Fingerprint Friday...

I haven't participated in Fingerprint Friday forever.  Finally, I am!

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of god
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of god
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of god
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Here's how to join in.

This morning as I wiped the toothpaste of the bathroom counter for the hundredth time, picked up toy food and dress up clothes for the thousandth time I realized that's my blessing.  As I sauteed onions for the crock pot and our french dip roast I realized that having a house smell like onion at 8am is a blessing.  As I said goodbye to Luke on his way out to the farm and looked ahead to a morning filled with folding laundry, washing sheets, wiping Sarah's runny nose I was pushed.  Those are my blessings.  This beautiful mess.  Because this mess means a house filled with children.  This mess means a partner to share my life with.  That onion smell?  We never have to worry about our next meal.  We have actually been blessed with abundance.

God gives me so many blessings daily.  The laundry, cleaning, mothering, repetition.  It's His work.  I am blessed that He picked me to do it for Him.  He knew what I'd need before I even did!

My French Dip recipe (my friend Jill gave me this originally and I modified it to our tastes):

One chuck roast
4 cups water
6 tsp beef granules
1 small onion
3 tsp butter
3 tsp Worcestershire sauce
3 tsp mustard


Saute onions in butter until the get translucent and start to caramelize.  Mix beef broth into water.  Whisk in Worcestershire and mustard.  Place roast in slow cooker.  Cover with cooked onions, pour beef broth mixture over top.  Cook on low (8-10 hours).
We like it on hoagie rolls with provolone and of course that yummy broth!  I usually serve this with green beans or broccoli/cauliflower mix but it's good with just about anything.  If you wanted to get fancy I suppose you could serve it like pot roast with mashed potatoes and make a gravy out of the broth.  I don't know about you but by January we are all a little tired of pot roast at our house!

Worry...

Anxiety sucks.  Worrying is a waste of time.  So  easy to say.  Unless your worry is justified.  We noticed Marie was not hitting milestones when she was about five months old.  At six months our family doctor confirmed it and at eight months we were told to take her home and love her.

So until Eva hits six months I know I am going to worry.  I will actually worry until she turns one.  No, that is a lie.  I will always worry.  When she's two and stumbles I will ask if she's just being clumsy or is it something else.  When she's seven and going through a string of sleepless nights I will pray it's just part of growing up and not a sign of something.  I will worry about her hitting milestones, gaining weight, nursing well.  I will second guess everything.  Because it is my job.  Because I love them so much.  Because I am terrified.  

Since our sweet Marie and all she had to go through I don't just have a fussy baby.  I have "what if".  I worry at every cold, every time that maybe she's teething.  Is this crying a sign?  Is she holding her head well enough?

And with Eva I am for the most part reassured.  She is a very good eater.  She is strong and according to her family doctor she is doing great hitting those milestones (we check in once a month).  She is sensitive, she has a terrible temper, she gets overwhelmed and she cries and cries.  But she sleeps through the night every night.  She's huge.  She just started chuckling when we tickle her.  She has a favorite toy, a pink sock money.  She like Daddy, loves me and doesn't dig strangers.  She is really becoming a little person.

Still, that worry is there.  That cold blanket that settles over my heart and lets the blackness creep in.  What if?  We'll deal with it.  But having babies is different after you've buried one.  My heart breaks missing my Princess Marie, my heart aches at the idea of watching another child go through what she did.  And she did it smiling, she didn't know any different.  That kills me.  Kills me that I couldn't save her.  Couldn't stop it.  All I could do was cram as much love into the time I had as possible and let God do the rest.

I try to pray but the truth is that when you are anxious you forget to pray.  I cry, and I know that the Spirit hears my pleas.  The Spirit intercedes on my behalf and I am blessed by a loving Father who gave me the strength I needed to care for Marie.  Then He brought her back to Him when it was time.  He is in control of all this life that feels like chaos and I need to trust Him.  But I'm a control freak and I am a mama bear and they are my babies and once one of them got sick and I am terrified that it could happen all over.

I just don't think I can do it again.  And the worry creeps in and my heart aches cold.  I fight for light and sanity and pray, but the worry still lurks frightening in the shadows. 

She's three months old now and doing well, we're getting there.  I love Miss Eva so much...  I love all of them so much.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  Romans 8:26-27

Valentines is coming...

I get really excited about Valentines Day.  I like the idea of doing something special just because you love someone.  It also gives me an excuse to spoil my girls.

This year I am planning to make them these:

Source: gltc.co.uk via Shannon on Pinterest

As far as I can tell it's just pillowcases sewn together.  There aren't any instructions.  All I have to go on is the photo.  Don't they look fun?  I am thinking for movie watching, for camping, for slumber parties.

And to make it even better this is what I found to make them with:

Source: amazon.com via Shannon on Pinterest

For Josie.

Source: amazon.com via Shannon on Pinteres

t

For Sarah.

You need five and there's two cases to a set so I'm going to do two sets (4 animal print) and one hot pink one.  Total cost for this will be about $125.  About $74 for the pillowcases and then $50 for pillows (we don't have any extras).  It sounds a little pricey but I'm hoping that we will get our money back in use for these.  We don't have any loungy furniture or bean bags or anything.  I am hoping they last for years.  Also, because I should be able to slide the pillows out and wash the cases that should help to keep them nice.

I cannot believe in a few days I will have an eight year old.  Josie is turning 8 on the 27th.

New year, new me.

It is 2012.  Hard to believe.  Time is passing so quickly and for me the last years have been something I've fought.  It has been a time of healing, learning, and struggling.

I am a fighter.  I don't like change.  When Marie went home I fought hard.  I fought the reality that my daughter was in Heaven.  I fought the passage of time.  I thought that if I could keep things from changing it would bring Marie close.

After Rie went Home it took me a year to cut my hair.  Because she held my hair as she'd fall asleep.  I resisted cutting those strands as long as I could.  I refused to rearrange our furniture.  I made sure that every day when I got dressed I wore something that I had owned when she was with us.  I remembered what nail polishes I had used on her, what I had been wearing and I stuck to those colors.  Somehow I needed not to change.

Then I began to slowly realize that by not changing little things it wasn't keeping her close.  I was told Marie being in Heaven is like Josie being in school all day.  I have to learn to let go.  It does not mean I love her any less.  It took a long time to learn this.

Slowly I began.  I cut my hair.  I bought new nail polishes and used them.  I made myself stop stressing about what I was wearing (what little girl really cares about her mothers clothes that much anyway?  Well, Josie cares very much what I wear but she is nearly eight not a toddler.)  I moved our bedroom furniture, Josie's bedroom furniture, Sarah's bedroom furniture.  Part of this was forced, we were getting ready to welcome a baby.  It was a blessing, I was learning to embrace the change.

Right before Thanksgiving I made a big step.  I moved our living room and the pictures on the wall around.  The couch is now in a different place than it was when I would rock Marie to sleep every night.  Do you know what?  I remember doing it just as well even though the couch moved.  I didn't loose anything by making that change.  After Thanksgiving I made another big step.  I changed my hair.  I cut some bangs, embraced my curls.

I am getting there.  It has taken me more than two years to be able to do this.  No one tells you that.  No one tells you the odd little things that you will do when you have a child in Heaven.  The rituals that you put yourself through.  No one tells you how healing is weird.

This is a new year.  I am a new me.  I am okay with being a different person than I was when Marie was with us.  I look back at myself and I was so happy despite the worry in my heart.  Marie flew Home when God called and I started a journey.  I have been through the valley.  Sorrow is heavy and I've carried that.  I've learned, I've gotten stronger in different ways.  I see the world differently now.  I am still happy, even with sorrow in my heart.

This year I'm going to embrace me.  Who I am now.  It's okay.  Little Mama wouldn't expect me to be the same person I was two years ago.  She loves me no matter what, and I love her no matter what.  No matter what little changes take place.  It took a long time to learn that.

If I could tell myself two years ago.  That shell shocked mother with a newborn in her arms and a heartbroken five year old.  That broken woman who had no idea what to do or how to put it back together.  I would tell myself of two years ago that it was going to be okay.  Sorrow is weird and I'm still getting through.  But I'm going to be okay, I'm going to change and it won't mean letting go of Marie.

New year... new me.  Blessed. 


Philippians 4:13 ESV
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Happy New Year...

Christmas flew by.  Eva's first, Josie's eighth, Sarah's third, our third without Marie.  It was busy, blessed, bittersweet.

Today we are holed up inside decorating gingerbread houses.  The wind is ripping around the house, they're calling for gusts up to 70 this afternoon.

 Not all of us are having a great time...

 Eva is, as always, in her sling...

Wishing you all a very blessed New Year.  May God smile on us in 2012!

How to tell...

Eva answers the eternal question.  How do you know when it's time to stop taking pictures of your baby?

"Mom, now.  Stop."

A week...

Another week and time has flown.  Thanksgiving was so nice, and Luke's been done with corn so he's been home more.  Such a blessing!

Eva will be 8 weeks old tomorrow and two months old on the 8th.  I cannot believe she's getting this big already.  Lately she seems to be all bright eyes, watching the world.  If we are lucky we get a few sweet words from her.  She is smiling more often and her huge toothless grins are priceless.

We are working our way through Advent.  I found a really wonderful set of devotions for Advent that I wanted to share.  It's just the Word.  Beautiful and simple.  We are so blessed, Advent is such an exciting season... and with Marie in Heaven the gift of Jesus is so sweet I cannot put it to words.  I appreciate it now like I never did before. 

Josie and Sarah were reading together in my laundry basket last night, it was so cute I had to grab a few pictures!

We got our tree up and Eva has been enjoying laying beneath it staring at the lights.  It's been so nice to see her noticing things more!

This verse was from our devotion last night, the words are so beautiful!  Have a blessed weekend!

Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. 2 He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; 3 a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice. 4 He will not grow faint or be discouraged till he has established justice in the earth; and the coast lands wait for his law. 5 Thus says God, the LORD, who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and what comes from it, who gives breath to the people on it and spirit to those who walk in it: 6 "I am the LORD; I have called you in righteousness; I will take you by the hand and keep you; I will give you as a covenant for the people, a light for the nations... Isaiah 42:1-6

Happy...

Happy is a place I once thought I would never find again... and yet somehow we're here.

Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.  Jeremiah 31:13 NIV


I look at Josie and Sarah and I see joy in their eyes...  I look at Luke and even though there's that sadness in his eyes I see happiness there too.  Right now I am feeling so incredibly blessed.  Marie is in Heaven and we all miss her so much... but we know where she is, and we'll see her again.  Until then, we have each other.  After the rough road we've traveled I think we appreciate it more...  I hope that we do.

Josie took this photo of me on Saturday.  I look at it and I see myself but in so many ways I see more than I used to be.  I am smiling... for a long time I had lost my smile.  And I look... beautiful.  I've never thought of myself in that way.  Yet in this image, captured through my daughters eyes I see the beauty that she must see.  I am strong enough to carry my children (Eva is under that blanket snuggled up in my pouch sling).  For a long time I felt weak.  I am not so old.  For a long time I felt so old.  Josie sees me this way.  That makes me feel so good.  I see a little of who I used to be in this picture but if I'm honest I like the person I am now.  I've seen joy and sorrow and they've helped me become more than who I was before.  I would not trade either.  Without the sorrow I would have missed out on the joy of Marie... and she was worth the sorrow.  That sorrow also has made me appreciate Josephine, Sarah Kate, and Evangeline all that much more.  God gave me the sorrow.  He trusted me with it and I am humbled.  I am grateful.

My blog has been quiet the last several months.  I didn't know what to say.  Somehow, int he last few weeks I am feeling more whole.  More sure of myself and who I am now.  I hope that I am closer to becoming who God wants me to be.  A wife, a mother, a daughter of The King.  And that is enough.

I want to write more, to share where we are on this journey.  In this healing process.  In this life.  I know others read and I hope that my being transparent would help them in some way...  There are other mothers who read who have lost babies... I hope that somehow my words would give them hope.

Mostly right now I am feeling very grateful.  How great is our Father that He would trust me with these precious babies of His?  That He would give me a partner that would walk beside me the way that Luke does.  That He gave me such good friends to walk with.  Those I have hugged and those I know only through their words but long to hug.  And our church... 

He is turning my mourning  into gladness.  Some days are sadder, some days are happier but on a whole I feel now I am at a place in the trail where I can look back and see the valley I have walked through these last years.  Seeing the valley must mean that I am beginning to rise out of it, right?  I must be gaining ground.  Although sometimes I feel I am slipping it is not all the time.  How great Thou art! 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings, the joys and the sorrows....