The need to feel...

Today I am posting a video. It's a video about another families tragedy, but it echos our own words and thoughts so strongly. I have to thank my friend Sarah for posting it on her blog.... blown away am I....

The video was made by the group Selah (a Christian band) and the lead singer and his wife have recently lost a baby, they have amazing faith though... it's really something. While what we are dealing with is somewhat different the words of their song for their daughter are words I have thought in my head for Marie... It is a beautiful way to illustrate how it feels to cope with the hardest thing I have encountered in my life. If you like, you can read their story here: http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/.

It's hard to watch, I cried all the way through, but in some ways it's good to feel it. It's good to feel that firstly, we are not alone. Secondly, it reminds me that I am never alone. Thirdly, it reminds me to be glad that I got Marie. Sometimes, we just get wrapped up. This is now our normal, some days the knowledge that I am going to loose her is so far away, it's foreign land. I notice it at night when she's breathing next to me. The thought that someday she won't be there enters my head and it's so odd, to imagine life without Marie is impossible. She is so perfect, so beautiful, such a joy to be around and care for it is hard for me to acknowledge sometimes that her body is not made to last. Then there are other times when the earth literally moves beneath my feet, I look at her and she's almost translucent. It's like she's halfway to heaven already on really bad days.

Anyway, the video is good. We need to feel.

Secondly, I want to thank all of our family who reads this blog. All of our friends to. It's my therapy, but it is so good to have you all knowing whats going on. That way we can just pick up when we see one another, no need to give you the back story. A lot of my family who reads this blog is family I haven't seen since I was a child. Thank you for reading, thank you for caring after all these years. I will refer to you all collectively "The Irishmen". I am so touched by your willingness to love my girl though you've never met her. Thank you. To my cousin Maria, whom I have never met, thank you too. It feels so good to be surrounded by family, it's something that often was not a part of my life and I am so grateful to have that now. Finally, my cousin Renee, you know :) I am so glad I have you!

Here is the video, please enjoy... I'm grateful to this family for having the strength to share their story, to help me along with my own journey.





I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One whose chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One whose chosen Me
To carry you