Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Getting away...

Our trip away was lovely.  It was so nice to be out of town, to see some things, to show Sarah lots of things she'd never seen before.  Josie loved running around and exploring.  I got to go to Starbucks.

We had fun.  But in a bittersweet way.  I think it may be the time of year... memories of last summer are still so fresh in our minds.  It is impossible not to say or think "at this time last year we..." because these were our last days of Marie.  Only we didn't know it.

Last summer we ran away to the aquarium, we stayed at my mother in laws house up on the front range.  She wasn't home so we had a lovely picnic dinner on her back deck, Marie ate an entire chocolate whipped yoplait yogurt, and then she had chocolate cake.  We went shopping the next day, in the toy store Marie got so excited about a giant ball filled with glitter that swirled around.  Of course we bought it for her... we had gelato.  It was the last trip we took with Marie... 

This last weekend we ran away to Denver.  We stayed at a hotel.  The zoo was lovely, it was hot though.  Marie would have loved it, but she would have struggled with the heat.  The museum was also nice, it was a lot to see though.  A lot of going.  Marie would have disliked that, she would have really not been happy with the crowds...  It is so strange, we think of her now and say "She would have loved this".  Then I remember.  She wouldn't have loved it really.  She liked it quiet and cool, calm...  She would have struggled with her little body.  I worried all the time that she would want to do things her body wasn't able.  Marie was just like any two year old, only her body wasn't.  I didn't want her to feel it's limitations...  She didn't feel good.  A lot.  I miss her so much but God is helping me see, she is happier in Heaven.

What we have here pales in comparison to the city Marie spends her time in.  To the food she eats there, the sweet sounds she hears.  We can't even comprehend how wonderful it is.  She is having the best time.  We just hurt here without her.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. Psalms 46:4 NIV

These were our last days of Marie and it is on my mind constantly.  It is as though she should be here... not as though a year has passed but as if she's only been gone a moment.  And with that Little Mama a moment away is too long.

My soul is weary with sorrow...  Psalms 119:28 NIV

 Still, we are blessed in the hope we have.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1 NIV

We were so lucky to have her.  The joy of having Marie means enduring the sorrow of being without her, and it is worth it.  I was reading an article on grieving, they said that when you have a child that's life is shorter you have to endure grief.  But you shouldn't shun the grief because it is just a part of your life with that child.  My grief is part of being Marie's mother.  When I look at it that way I am pushed to embrace the grief, just as I embraced the joy of being with her.  I do not want to get away from that grief.  It is part of life with Marie.  My sweet, sweet, bittersweet Marie.  And my Father tells me there is something to be learned from grief. 

For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.  Ecclesiastes 1:18

Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.  Ecclesiastes 7:3 NIV

I know this month is going to be hard.  The cracks in my heart and the ache in my stomach tell me how wrong this is to be without my perfect little princess.  Still, I delight in the world to come.  This is not my home.  The simple truth is just that Marie went home before me.  Can we really be sad for her, there in paradise?  No.  It is a selfish sorrow.  We weep for ourselves, here on earth without her.  I have things to do here, and my Lord wants me to know joy here.  Marie would want me to know joy here.  That is why it was good for us to get away, to love on each other.  To enjoy special time together before we have to sow wheat and harvest corn.  A precious break, a pause in time before the world sweeps us up again.  

And our weekend was filled with love.  I can feel love surrounding us.  Marie was love.  That was the biggest lesson I think.  She exhuded love, she radiated joy.  She was a lesson in how love can break barriers, sever bonds.  God saved her with love, He saved us with love.  And love will carry us... all the way home.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  1 John 4:16 NIV 

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  Romans 5:8 NIV

  ...God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5 NIV
Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our LORD Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.  Jude 1:21 NIV

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."  Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet



The VW's said...

So happy to hear that you enjoyed your time away! I can see how it must have been bittersweet though.

I remember that we were away on vacation last summer when Marie passed away....I came home and read your post and it broke my heart! I remember those days well and I have been thinking of your family lately, because of it.

I pray that God fills your days on this earth with peace, joy and comfort.....until you get to see your sweet Marie again! I can't wait to meet her one day too!

Love, Hugs and Prayers!!!

clarissa said...

sounds like a wonderful time together!

praying for you all every day...

sometimes I have no words... only prayers.