Sometimes it's too much. Today I took Sarah to the family practice here in town. She has not been sleeping, I can't put her down. She cries if I get too far away. She is tugging at her ears. She has a double ear infection. It hurts.
Nearly one year ago to the day I took Marie to the family practice. She hadn't been sleeping. She was unhappy, I couldn't put her down. She had an ear infection. I left that day feeling relieved, an ear infection was something we could fix. Antibiotics and ear drops for pain would make it better. I had no idea that I was about to have to let her go.
Today I walked out the door and onto the sidewalk with Sarah in my arms. It is a walk I took with Marie several times. I strapped Sarah into the car, her seat is Marie's old seat, it is in the same place it has always been. Sarah sits where Marie used to sit. I took my cell phone out of my purse and called Daddy, "She has an ear infection" I said. The world echoed back at me. I could feel the air vibrate, it was like spinning back in time in that dizzy seasick way you get when you are too high up and very afraid.
I did not know I was about to have to let her go. Only I knew something... I had the echos of God's voice in my head that week. I knew somehow that we wouldn't have all three.
I cannot wrap my mind around being apart for a year. I cannot conceive that I have survived. Rie Rie isn't here anymore and I cannot be sad for her. Life feels completely foreign still. That my life has gone on when I once believed that there was no way I could exist without that child. And I don't, not the way I did before. I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to act, what to do. I had no idea that anything could hurt this bad. A broken heart is the worst ache.
Josie really misses her sister. Sarah doesn't feel good. My arms ache for Marie and the curve of her smile, the glow of her skin, the silk of her hair. Just her, wonderful her. The baby she was, the girl she became... My heart sometimes aches for all she would have become that we don't get to see. My husband has this look about his eyes that he didn't have before and I wish I could erase it. I wish I could make his eyes smile again...
Sometimes it's all too much and it comes crashing down.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV
When it hurts this bad there is hope and I must remember to continue to praise God, for it is through Him and the life of Jesus Christ our Savior that I will see my baby again... there are simply different arms holding her right now.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 NIV