Not a first time mom...

I am not a first time mother.  I have three beautiful little girls.

Josie was so easily over-stimulated as a baby.  She would loose it and cry and cry.  I would often find myself in a quiet room away from the group so that Josie could calm down.  Marie was always so tiny.  I remember being consumed with a feeling that she needed protecting.  I never let her cry long, always had her in my arms.  Now with Sarah I am just sometimes at a loss.  She's not my first, I've done this twice before.  The truth is though that there are times when I have absolutely no idea what to do with Sarah.

She cries in the night.  Lately she's been waking up and staying up.  Rather than take it for what it is, her age, testing limits, figuring out day and night, whatever; I worry.  I worry like a champion.  I am up at night in a quiet house with a child who is denying herself rest and it scares me.  She will cry herself sick.  Literally cry until she throws up.  It adds to my worry and makes me a basket case.  Because Marie lost the ability to sleep through the night when she got sick.  I can see the difference, the rational part of me knows that with Sarah it's not the same but I don't know what to do about it.  Marie vomited without warning several times a day for months until it was stopped surgically.  I will never look at vomit the same way again.

All signs point to Sarah being a completely healthy, full of life thirteen month old baby.  The problem is, in the course of my life I have completely forgotten how to take care of a healthy baby.  I know crisis.  I know how to soothe a child getting a blood test for the millionth time.  I know how to change gauze bandage and hook up tubing and make it into a game.  I know just how to cup my hand and thump a back to help weak lungs cough.  I know to rock and sing for hours to try to distract from discomfort.  I know how to read my child's eyes and look for the meaning there, and just how to massage muscles tightened from movement disorder. And when something goes haywire with my completely healthy baby I totally over react. 

I became so good at handling crisis... I've forgotten how to live normally and don't know that it will ever come back to me again.  Sarah is doing things all babys normally do.  I just don't live in normal any more.  Is this a sign of that, could this be the reason for that?

And I need to remember to cast all my worries on the Lord, His shoulders are bigger than mine.  And this will pass...  Luke and I may be a little overprotective, a little compulsive, perhaps we over react a bit.  I think it made us better parents to Marie... and hopefully Sarah will benefit from that too... it's just so different caring for her... it was easier to calm every cry and snuggle it all away...  so that's generally my strategy with Sarah.  Now if I could just get her to sleep a little better...

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Click here to find out how to join in!


My fingerprint today is pretty simple.  It's been a hard week. Luke's been in the field, Josie's been having a bit of hard time at school with the catty way that girls can be.  My hearts been heavy and my little princess Marie has been on my mind.  Even though time passes the longing to see her face, to kiss her forehead, to hold her little hands does not decrease.

This morning Josie and I read psalms over breakfast before she went to school.

Thank you Lord.  Thank you for reminding me to read the Bible to my child.  Thank you for giving us your words and loving us so much.  Thank you for Jesus and for the knowledge that we will rejoice in Heaven together one day. 

It was a good way to start the day when I so easily feel burdened and sorrowful.

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. Psalms 91:4

Because of Mito...

Four years ago I didn't know what Mitochondrial Disease was.

Now...

Because of mito Sarah will grow up knowing her older sister only from pictures and videos.

Because of mito Marie never will go to preschool or have a first day of kindergarten.

Because of mito there is an empty chair at the table.

Because of mito there are many children we've come to know and care for that suffer so much every day.

Because of mito most of them can't say a word because it's robbed them of the ability to express themselves that way.

Because of mito I don't make oatmeal in the morning anymore.

Because of mito Josie can't talk to her best friend.  Her best friend is in Heaven.

Because of mito I've made some amazing friends, but if I was pushed I'd have to say I wish we didn't know one another at all.  I wish we didn't have this terrible disease to connect us.

Because of mito our hearts are broken.

Because of mito Marie never got to grow up...

We have had so many blessings in our life, and God has used this storm to draw us closer and grow our faith in ways that we are so grateful for.  I try to always find the praise in sorrow but the truth is its just sad sometimes.

Because of mito our second daughter is in Heaven.  We rejoice that we will see her again, but it is so hard to be without her here.

Because of mito I miss that smile...


www.umdf.org

Mitochondrial Disease Awareness Week

This is it.  Time to raise awareness and call attention to a disease that affects and estimated 1 in 3000 people.  A disease that no-one knows about, a disease that steals, a disease that kills.  Marie lived with Leigh's Disease (one of the many recognized forms of mitochondrial disease) for nearly 2 1/2 years before God called her home.

Leigh's Disease stole from her the ability to express herself, to move on her own, to hold her head up.  Marie never had the chance to speak a first word or to take a first step.  This disease left her in a body that was broken, a beautiful little soul trapped in a cage. She had a terminal disease and though her spirit shone and her smile was the most breathtaking thing I will see this side of Heaven we watched her regress and loose things.  We didn't have very long with her and though we were blessed by the time we did have there is just so much we missed.  So much that mito stole.

Please join me in raising awareness so that someday there will be better treatments, maybe even a cure.  So that someday I will be able to tell Marie's story without having to explain the disease she suffered from.  It is so hard to have lost a child to a disease no one knows anything about.

Please join me in spreading the word! For more information please visit the Mitochondrial Disease Action Committee, MitoAction.

Meet Blye...

Is he handsome or what?  In real life that smile will knock you straight out. 

Blye is in kindergarten, he is part of our church family and he is in my Sunday school class.  I love seeing Blye.  For the obvious reasons, he is filled with a joy for life that is contagious.  For my own selfish reasons, he is physically much like Marie and in being near Blye it freshens my memories of her. 

I want to introduce everyone to Mr. Handsome because there are going to be some big things happening in his life soon.  God has his hand on this child.  Blye has cerebral palsy.  He has been approved for a special therapy in Germany that has the potential to really have a positive affect on him.  From a tiny farm town in Colorado all the way to Germany. 

Please visit his blog to learn more about him and what his family is doing to raise funds for the trip. 

If God lays it on your heart leave some words of support, or if you are able to contribute know that it will make a huge difference in the life of an amazing little man.  And make his Mama smile, she has a beautiful smile too...

Worth a thousand words...

Our last few weeks in pictures...

My cupcakes turned out pretty good...

Sometimes, when it's your party you can cry if you want to...

And then someone will give you a cupcake and everything will be OK.

Presents are nice too.

I just cannot believe she is this big already... amazing!

We went to Kansas for my nephews birthday and on the way home we decided to take pictures in every state we passed through...

Kansas was lovely...

Nebraska was patriotic...

But we love our home!

Sarah made her way into my pantry cabinet yesterday and could not figure out how to get out...

Josie made a wish...

And they played with Daddy when he got in from the field...

And this is our life, although it makes me sad this morning that there are no new photos of Marie to share...  I miss her little face...

Change...

This morning I walked and it was undeniable, you can feel the change in the air.  Soon the flip flops and shorts I reach for will be replaced with jeans and sneakers, the t-shirts with hoodies.  The leaves will change, Josie will start bringing home autumn crafts from school. The lawn won't need mowed as much, it will be cooler and cooler in the mornings.

I have such mixed feelings about this time of year.

Before Marie autumn was my favorite time, I loved the change.  The world seems to pause in the autumn, the heat stops and there are lovely days before the snows set in.  It is a busy time for my farmer husband, and I suppose for me too as his farmer's wife.

With Marie fall brought worry.  Colds and flu would begin, I would be on guard making everyone wash their hands when they entered our home.  We didn't go out as much after fall.  Marie loved to be out and about but colds were so hard on her, I could control who came into our home.  I did what I could to protect her, to shelter her, to keep her safe.  Fall meant the world was shrinking for us.  We would become more limited to our little house.

Now... well now I don't know what to think about it.  Every once in awhile I feel that old twinge, because my soul really does love this time of year.  But then my heart sets in and feels heavy.  Summer is over, and summer was Marie.  Last year summer ended abruptly, when God called her she went and the weather changed overnight.  It was cooler instantly with Marie gone.  Fall brings feelings of being without her.  The reality that summer has gone.  That winter is coming and last winter was hard.

I want to be excited, to feel that rise in my chest at the thought of pumpkins and cornstalks, the picking out of Halloween costumes.  Easting soups again, baking bread.  Of cooler temperatures making our house feel cozier... I want to feel that.  But there's that echo "she's not here, Marie's not here".  I know that echo is not specific to the time of year.  It's the sound of what I am going to live with the rest of my time on earth.

I think to because of the life we live we are more sensitive to the changing of the seasons.  Luke's work changes with them.  Autumn is the season of sowing... this is when we tend our fields, when we plant.  The wheat begins now and soon will be covered with winters snows.  The tiny plants need that cold, the winter wheat, it needs that season of chill.  It needs to be put through that to bear it's fruit.  I think we are like the wheat.  It is in the barren times, the times of chill, the hard times that we are shaped.  We are brought closer to God in the winters of life, and He uses them to cause us to bear His fruit.  When spring comes and the wheat becomes green again and Luke is in the field giving it what it needs to grow the Lord gives it the rains and the winds it needs and it bears fruit in summer.  I think our lives are like that.  Full of barren times, times of growth and feeding, and then we bear our fruit if we walk the right paths, if we trust Him; lean on Him, allow Him to guide us.  We are the harvest.  

My walk was good, Sarah was happy in the stroller.  I went through clothes yesterday to get things out for her, she only has a few pairs of pants and I needed to get the warmer things in order.  The baby clothes are really Marie's clothes, all the things she wore.  Going through them was a rush of memories, I could see her in this or that.  Marvel at the size of her feet as I pulled out her shoes.  The clothes have a different feel on Sarah.  But in the end they're just clothes.  They pass on, down to the littlest sister just as things move and life picks up its new rhythms and things pull forward and the seasons change.  And I hear the echo, "she's not here, Marie's not here".

I know just where she is though...  Beautiful, happy, laughing, dancing... And I talk to God about it when I hear the echo.  And I know that Jesus gives her kisses from me...  And I love Him for that and so much more.
"then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and oil."  Deuteronomy 11:14 NIV

 ~ Marie, in the fall...

Wednesday...

Today is Wednesday and I'm exhausted.  After helping the guys in the field yesterday Sarah spiked a fever and was up all night.  Every hour.  This is not new, she hasn't been a great sleeper for a few weeks now.  So happy during the day though.  I think she's teething and I know the ear infection threw her off.

Luke is in the field today picking up the last of the millet.  Then they'll get ready to drill wheat.  Busy month September is.

My email got hacked this morning.  Apparently I was in London and had been mugged.  The hijackers couldn't even come up with a realistic scenario. 

I'm reading the new Jennifer Cruise novel, it's really good and a little scary.  But then again, I scare easily.

Sarah got her toenails painted for the first time last week.  She loved it.  Luke has rules, I can't paint their toenails until they are not baby feet any longer.  She's one and walking and loosing the little baby part of her so quickly!

She had so much fun though!

This is one of the pictures I took of her on her birthday.  Is she beautiful or what?  The blond, blond hair still amazes me.  Each of our girls has been so unique.

Opening presents birthday evening...

Because I am completely crazy about this guy.  I have a huge crush on Luke.  He loaded the dishwasher this morning before he left for the field because he knew I was tired... well, I might have been crying.  Because it's hard to keep your spirits up when you are tired and your baby is sick and you are given to worry...  But he really helped me feel better and I love him so much.

Tomorrow is Thursday and I have to clean my bathrooms...  and the hijackers actually thought you all would buy it that I was in London!

A year... Fingerprint Friday...

Today is Fingerprint Friday and I should do a post about how I see God working in my life.  Today is September third though, and it's a year ago we had Marie service for her.  We celebrated her going home on the day that she would have been exactly two and a half years old.

I don't really remember a lot of the day.  Or the weeks, or the months following Marie's going home.  It is all a hazy time which I think is a blessing in a way but it makes me sad because they were Sarah's very first days and I don't remember them.

It was a beautiful day though, almost hot with very little wind.  The sun shone so brightly that day and we remembered Marie at the little church where Luke and I were married and she was baptized...

So we sent balloons to Heaven... all for Marie.

Today September third is a different day.  I have to get Sarah to a doctor appointment for her ears, I have Josie home from school and I'm so grateful for that.  I need to make cupcakes for a big first birthday party tomorrow.  Luke is in the field trying to spray as many acres as he can to get all the weeds killed, to start sewing wheat next week.  Today is very different day.  But the hurts still the same.  She's my baby, and she was so little and went through so much.  And she could still smile... and I miss you Mama.

Still, there's joy. 

And peaches...  So I'll hold my blessings close and smile for Marie, even if there are some tears.

"I will give you a new heart"

It is Tuesday.  The day I have dreaded for months came and went, the day after came and went.  I survived.  I am alright.  Things are going to be alright.

Missing Marie is a constant, she is never far from my thoughts and her absence is something that I am learning to live with.  I do not like it but I have accepted it.  And I have Josie and Sarah and they need me.  I am going to be here awhile longer yet.  I want to feel better.

So this morning I started.  I started exercising in a way that I have not for over a year and a half.  Today I left the house with Sarah in the stroller and the dog at my side with the intent to make my body work.  We lead pretty active lives, almost every evening is a walk or a bike ride but this was different.  This was doing something for myself that I just have not had the energy to do until now.  Because grief is exhausting.  The too tired to think, ache in your bones kind of exhausting.  I feel that less now.

So we set out, you can sort of feel autumn in the air in the mornings now.  Summer is changing.  About halfway through my brisk walk I looked down and saw the writing on my t-shirt.  My t-shirt that Josie decorated for me using sharpie markers and is covered with polka dots and squiggles.  The text reads:

" I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you".  Ezekiel 36:26

I think that sort of sums up where I am now.  My heart was shattered into a tiny little pieces.  My spirit was broken.  And then something happened.  When my heart split the pieces were held in His hands.  When my spirit broke He held me up.  I have not been alone.  I have been carried, and cared for, and loved just as my daughter is in Heaven.  

Right after Marie was called home a friend turned Luke and I toward Psalm 34:18.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  That is where we were then... this is where we are now.   " I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you".  We have come through... and there it is in His word.  I am so humbled by this, filled with joy by this.  I need to sing praises for this.


I can feel my heart beating stronger.  Not the heart I used to have but a heart filled with love in a new way. Filled with a commitment to the Lord in a new way.  My heart is a more sypmathetic heart, more tender in a way.  My spirit has changed too.  I am becoming a new person.  


There is the shadow of who I was, and in many ways I am the same.  Just older, less daring, more careful, more thoughful, more appriciative.  I try to be more patient, slower to jump to conclusions.  I try to think outside myself, to ask God how to serve Him instead of charging ahead.


I have come through the valley, but in reality I know there are many cloudy days in my future. 

For today it was enough to walk in the sunshine with a good dog beside me, a baby happy in the stroller and the knowlege that He will give me a new heart to heal the one that is broken.  He will put a new spirit in me, to serve, to praise, to love.  Today came with the knowlege that everything is going to be okay... even though it really, really hurts sometimes He's taking care of me, He'll carry me through.  And I'm good with that.

For Marie...

Oh, Little Mama...  Today I don't have words.  I have an ache in my heart and tears in my eyes and a determination to celebrate your life.  I am trying not to allow myself to feel sorrow or despair today.  Today Rie Rie is all about freedom.  And how much God loves you.  And how you are healed and perfect now in Heaven, and you must be a sight to see and I want to praise Him for that. 

Today the words of your hymn were in my head when I woke up, and they say it better than I can now.  I can feel it though...  How many times did we sing this song Mama, and we sang it at your service too... because your eyes would light up when you heard the words.

Oh how He loves you Marie, Oh how He loves us and gives us peace in the midst of pain.  Oh how He loves you and me....

Oh How He Loves You and Me

Oh, how He loves you and me, 
Oh, how He loves you and me. 
He gave His life, what more could He give; 
Oh, how He loves you, 
Oh, how He loves me, 
Oh, how He loves you and me.
 
Jesus to Calv'ry did go, 
His love for mankind to show. 
What He did there brought hope from despair. 
Oh, how He loves you, 
Oh, how He loves me, 
Oh how He loves you and me.   
 
Oh, how He loves you and me, 
Oh, how He loves you and me. 
He gave His life, what more could He give; 
Oh, how He loves you, 
Oh, how He loves me, 
Oh, how He loves you and me.

We love you Princess Marie...

Happy birthday Sarah Kate...

Dear Sarah, today is your very first birthday.  It is hard to believe it has been a year since you were born.  Our lives have changed so much.  Daddy and I have changed so much.  Through it all dear Sarah you have been a source of joy. 

We celebrated the day you were born, but it was clouded with worry.  I am so sorry Sarah that the celebration was short lived.  I do not understand God's timing but I know exactly what He was thinking when He sent us you.  He knew how much we would need you.

Your story and Marie's are wound together so tight.  You were with her for twenty sweet minuets, she was amazed by you.  Her eyes were so wide and she touched your face...  She knew just who you were.  The little sister, the one who had kicked her for the last five months.  She just could not stop looking at you.

Josie was so proud of you.  The baby, a sister!  She held you and her face light up.  For the weeks and months after that she terrified me in her insisting on carrying you around.  She decided that she would take care of you and the little mother in her that I never knew existed appeared.  Josie worries about you so, protects you, comforts you.  She appreciates you in a way most big sisters do not.  Even when she is mad at you there is something there, this affection for you that is so deep.

It is one year later and we have so much to be joyful for.  You are healthy, your life is an answered prayer.  You thrive, you grow.  You have seized the world with two strong hands and are exploring all that you can.  You scream, walk, laugh, fight.  You are a snuggle in the mornings and a sleepy sigh at nighttime and your every accomplishment a celebration.

Last night I was praying, asking God to help me make it through this day and the day after.  Something amazing happened.  As  I prayed my sorrow, my worry, and my fear were all transformed into joy, peace, and a feeling of being so blessed.  After your Daddy, you and your sisters have been my greatest gift and I am the most blessed mother to have you.  God placed that feeling upon my heart in such a strong way last night Sarah.  Even in the darkest hours you have been a glow of light.  Your need for me has kept me moving forward when I wanted to stop and cry.  God showed me last night how there is so much to rejoice in, how much there is to be happy for.  This world is not our Home, and I want you to always remember that.  The things of this world are going to fall away and we will all be together in eternity.  Until then we are to love and take care of one another.  Hold tight to Jesus sweet girl.  With Him there is hope, and life, and He will carry you. 

It is amazing to me the little girl you are becoming.  From the blue of your eyes to the shocking blond of your hair you are amazing.  You are gentle and defiant all at the same time.  Aggressive but caring, the only one to love baby dolls.  You are cautious but once you are certain its safe you rush ahead at top speed.  You still refuse to eat vegetables.  I cannot believe you are walking already.  You are a  whirlwind and a source of calm all at the same time and you make my days happy.

Sarah Kate, you truly are my sunshine.  Daddy and I love you so very much!  Happy first birthday little girl, God is so good!

This day...

This day last year was the last day I spent with Little Mama.  We went to the clinic, to the drug store for antibiotics and I got her a new book.  It was a pop up of The Princess and the Pea.  We snuggled in the recliner all afternoon.  We had pizza for dinner and Marie had cottage cheese and peach ice cream...  She enjoyed dessert.

I was on edge, worried about Mama and excited to be induced and meet the baby the next day.  So fearful about leaving her.

It was our last full day together...  This is the very last photo I took of our Princess...

A warm shower, lavender lotion, a snuggle but sleep wouldn't come.  She couldn't settle down.  I spent the night at the foot of the cross.  Early morning found me crying, how could I possibly leave her to go to the hospital?  I was praying harder than I had ever prayed.  In the past God would grant Marie sleep on hard  nights within moments of my prayer.  That night we were in the valley.  I felt so alone, as though He could not hear me.

Morning came and we had to leave to the hospital, inductions start early.  I sobbed, I told her to be good.  It hurt to leave her... 

Princess Marie, Queen of the Universe.  Happy in paradise... we are missing you so much right now.

Too much...

Sometimes it's too much.  Today I took Sarah to the family practice here in town.  She has not been sleeping, I can't put her down.  She cries if I get too far away.  She is tugging at her ears.  She has a double ear infection.  It hurts.

Nearly one year ago to the day I took Marie to the family practice.  She hadn't been sleeping.  She was unhappy, I couldn't put her down.  She had an ear infection.  I left that day feeling relieved, an ear infection was something we could fix.  Antibiotics and ear drops for pain would make it better.  I had no idea that I was about to have to let her go.

Today I walked out the door and onto the sidewalk with Sarah in my arms.  It is a walk I took with Marie several times.  I strapped Sarah into the car, her seat is Marie's old seat, it is in the same place it has always been.  Sarah sits where Marie used to sit.  I took my cell phone out of my purse and called Daddy, "She has an ear infection" I said.  The world echoed back at me.  I could feel the air vibrate, it was like spinning back in time in that dizzy seasick way you get when you are too high up and very afraid.

I did not know I was about to have to let her go.  Only I knew something...  I had the echos of God's voice in my head that week.  I knew somehow that we wouldn't have all three.

I cannot wrap my mind around being apart for a year.  I cannot conceive that I have survived.  Rie Rie isn't here anymore and I cannot be sad for her.  Life feels completely foreign still.  That my life has gone on when I once believed that there was no way I could exist without that child.  And I don't, not the way I did before.  I don't know what to say, how to feel, how to act, what to do.  I had no idea that anything could hurt this bad.  A broken heart is the worst ache.

Josie really misses her sister.  Sarah doesn't feel good.  My arms ache for Marie and the curve of her smile, the glow of her skin, the silk of her hair.  Just her, wonderful her.  The baby she was, the girl she became...  My heart sometimes aches for all she would have become that we don't get to see.  My husband has this look about his eyes that he didn't have before and I wish I could erase it.  I wish I could make his eyes smile again...

Sometimes it's all too much and it comes crashing down.


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV

When it hurts this bad there is hope and I must remember to continue to praise God, for it is through Him and the life of Jesus Christ our Savior that I will see my baby again... there are simply different arms holding her right now.

Jesus said:
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 NIV

Fingerprint Friday...

See Beki to for info and to join.

This is my Fingerprint today.  Marie one year ago at the big Nebraska county fair...  Pure joy.  Tonight we are taking Sarah and Josie... it was our last big thing we did with Marie... Missing her so much, praising God for her healing, grateful for the time we had and all the experiences we got to share.

First grade...

This morning I cried into my coffee cup after waving goodbye to a too tall little girl in a blue skirt and pink Snoopy t-shirt climbing into her Daddy's pickup.

The baby on my hip felt out of place somehow.  I shut the door and the world literally spun with memories of the first day of school last year... the baby was in my belly, and my beautiful toddler was in my arms.

I kept busy all morning, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing.  My house sparkles... my heart hurts.

Sarah doesn't seem to mind Josie being gone at all.  Marie was heartsick all day looking for her big sister everywhere...

Luke came home for lunch and I was grumpy...  I feel a little bad about that...

I am looking forward to picking Josie up from school, swooping her in my arms, smelling that kid smell in her hair and taking the picture I missed snapping this morning...
 

Today aches with Marie's absence... I can almost hear her voice echoing in the empty rooms and the too quiet spaces.  Her face is so clear in my mind... she is quite busy I'm sure, bossing people around in Heaven.

I miss Josie too, she is so amazing.  It is very difficult to share her with the world...  but share I will because she brings sunshine wherever she goes...

I posted this last year and wanted to share it again...

I Trust You'll Treat Her Well

Author: Victor Buono

Dear World:
I bequeath to you today one little girl...in a crispy dress...with two brown eyes...and a happy laugh that ripples all day long.. and a flash of light brown hair that bounces in the sun when she runs.
I trust you'll treat her well.

She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning...and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine.
Prim and proud she'll wave her young and independent hand this morning and say "Goodbye" and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.

Now she'll learn to stand in lines...and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for the sounds of school-bells...and deadlines...and she'll learn to giggle...and gossip...and look at the ceiling in a disinterested way when the little boy 'cross the aisle sticks out his tongue at her. And now she'll learn to be jealous. And now she'll learn how it is to feel hurt inside. And now she'll learn how not to cry.

No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch on a summer day and watch an ant scurry across the crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn and kiss lilac blooms in the morning dew. No, now she'll worry about those important things...like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friends is whose. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of her blocks and dolls. And now she'll find new heroes.

For five full years now I've been her sage and Santa Claus and pal and playmate and mother and friend. Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers ...which is only right. But no longer will I be the smartest woman in the whole world. Today when that school bell rings for the first time...she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group...with all its privileges and its disadvantages too.

She'll learn in time that proper young ladies do not laugh out loud...or kiss dogs...or keep frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms...or even watch ants scurry across cracks in sidewalks in the summer.
Today she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. And I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long, lonely journey to becoming a woman.
So, world, I bequeath to you today one little girl...in a crispy dress...with two brown eyes...and a flash of light brown hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.

I trust you'll treat her well.


What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.
-- Helen Claes

Monday, Monday...

Monday, Monday... you came too soon.  Still, it's lovely outside.  We've been swinging, riding tricycles, doing chalk, playing with the dog...

The first gladiolas bloomed...

All day long I keep hearing "Blessed assurance, Jesus is Mine!  O what a foretaste of glory divine!"...  it is a beautiful hymn to have stuck in my head...

The tomatoes are turning...

I am blessed to have their company...

The grapes are getting their color too...

Butterflies dance...

Little miss Sarah took her first steps Friday and is so very brave come Monday...

Marie's angel is sleeping beneath the flowers...

And we are getting ready for school on Thursday...