Summertime...

Its finally here.  It feels like summer.  The heats on, the flies bite at dusk.  There's dragon flies swarming about eating the mosquitoes.  My little girls dress in sundresses and tank tops and we don't wear shoes unless they're flip flops.

Some praise is in order!  Lord, THANK YOU for carrying Abigail through.  According to her Mama little Miss Abigail is relaxed, smiling and resting well.  She seems to have bounced back and we praise YOU Father for that gift.  Of course You knew she would.  But thank you Father!

Isn't it awesome when you can just feel how good God is?

This last weekend brought our first trip to the lake in three years.  Marie was born in March and so she was so tiny her first summer and for a reason we couldn't put our finger on we felt so protective of her.  Her second summer she wasn't well at all and though we wanted to take her we knew we shouldn't.  Last summer she was doing so amazing... but she hated long car rides and melted in the heat.  So we came up with other summertime things to do.

Life feels so removed from how it used to be.  I carry this longing for Marie inside my chest and it's constant.  She is in my thoughts, and even when I'm not thinking of her there's a feeling that can only be described as an ache.  I don't think it will go away in this life. 

I had to call the monument company that placed her headstone.  Something happened at the cemetery and her vase was knocked off it's base beside her headstone.  Whatever hit it hit hard.  There's a bit of a chip in the marble vase and rather than leave it loose we brought it home and put it in the garage.  I had to call them to have it repaired.  We are such a tiny place that they won't fix it until they have another stone to place here.  I don't know how long Marie's vase will sit in the garage.  It bothers me.  It bothers me that I had to make that call.  That I had to say "I need to talk to someone about repairing my daughters headstone".

But I did it, and I felt good.  Because I can take care of that for her, take care of her in that way.  That is one of the things I struggle with most.  What do you do when your child doesn't need you to care for her anymore?  There are no kisses needed from me, she gets kisses from Jesus now.  There are no stories read, she's living in a happy ending.  She doesn't need me to take care of any owies, nothing hurts ever hurts there.  She doesn't need me in the night, there is no night in Zion.  So what can I do?  Well, I think of her constantly and I talk about her all the time.  And that's how I take care of Marie... That's what I tell myself.  Once the vase is fixed we have a new little Tinkerbell figurine for her stone.  Rie Rie loved Tinkerbell.  Even though we know she's not there it feels good to have memories of her all around her headstone.

So, it was good to get out of town.  To spend some time together as a family without the chores of home, the stresses of everyday.  Sarah loved the water, which didn't surprise me at all.  Did I ever tell you, when we gave Sarah her first bath she didn't cry?  Not even a whimper.  Now, she loves her head under the shower spray, she plays like crazy in the wading pool we got for the dog.  She loved the water at the lake.  She also loved the sand, being outside, eating teddy grahams on our old Harley Davidson quilt that Marie picnicked on last summer.  She played and played and then fell asleep with her Aunt Gail in the shade and had about the best day you can have when you're ten months old.

And she is, ten months.  Ten moths of smiles, cuddles, kisses and getting to know our white haired little girl.  That also means ten months of missing Little Mama.  Trying to live with Marie in Heaven.  Ten months since I kissed her goodnight.  And because I want to focus on the good it's ten months of freedom for Marie.  Ten months of running and never tiring, ten months of joy, ten months of being Home.  Of course she has no idea... I don't believe that there's any time there.  Time is a thing created by man.  In Heaven she is just perfect and when I walk in and scoop her up she won't be aware that Mama was away for any time at all.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31 NIV

So, that's sort of my week.  Ten month anniversaries, I cleaned a lot of sand out of coolers and towels, and I have been running Josie to swim lessons and gymnastics.  Luke has been busy too.  Wheat harvest is approaching fast, they have been getting the combine, tractors, grain cart and semi ready.  We are anticipating beginning to cut wheat on the tenth of July but that is subject to change depending on the whims of God and nature.  I am getting recipes ready and soon I'll do the shopping for harvest meals.  If all goes well we will be harvesting wheat for about two weeks.

The LORD will indeed give what is good, and our land will yield its harvest.  Psalm 85:12

I'll leave you with pictures from our summertime...  Every time I hear that word I have the lyrics from the Sublime song in my head...

Summertime... and the livin's easy...

Josie out in the water...

Marie, almost exactly one year ago today... This picture has so many things I remember of her.  That smile, happiest in her swing, barefoot, in a sundress...  She is so beautiful...

Calling all Prayer Warriors!!!

Please be in prayer for sweet Abigail!  She is having a very rough time now... she has slept only a handful of hours since Monday night.  She is exhausted and completely out of it.  She cannot get comfortable, cannot sleep, cannot seem to find any relief from her suffering.  The precious girls is only three years old... far to little to know such sorrow.

Please pray God grant Abigail peaceful healing sleep. Please pray for strength for her mother and father as they are terrified, please pray for comfort for her brothers and sister as they are so young.  We already know the Lord holds Abigail in His arms, that He is carrying her and that all of this is being done for His purpose.  Please pray for acceptance of God's will for Abigail whatever that may be.  Please left them up and hold them close to your heart...

We have walked in this exact place with Marie... even the ache of being without her cannot compare to the anguish of watching her suffer and being helpless to ease the pain. 

Please be in prayer for them...  The Lord can do such amazing things and prayer is the most powerful way to connect with Him...

Lord, grant them the peace which passes all understanding...

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them? Visit Beki at the Rusted Chain to join in!

This week saw a lot of storms... there were the meteorological kind and the emotional kind...

I take great comfort in knowing...

"God smiles on His child in the eye of the storm" (from The Eye of the Storm, Streams in the Desert)

She would have jumped...

I try very hard to keep my head up.  I try to constantly be in praise.  To thank God for how long we had Marie.  I make a choice every day to be thankful for what a blessing her life was, how much I learned from her, how wonderful He made her, for where she is now... on and on.  I want to hold on to the positive, stay  rooted in hope and have a firm grip on my Jesus' robe.  I will be in Heaven with her someday and I will see my girl again.

Still, it is so hard to be on earth without her. 

When I think of Marie now I almost always see her running, laughing, singing, jumping.  In my minds eye she is perfect and healthy and full of life.  I think this is God's gift to me, that He would have me see my child as she is now in Heaven. There is no sickness, no Leigh's Disease, no broken body.  There is only the perfect, perfect form that He intended.

This morning at swim lessons I sat and waited for Josie.  While I was waiting they marched the platform class (three and up) to the diving board.  Tiny little people, tiny little bathing suits.  Terrified of the board.  One by one they marched up the ladder.  Some tiptoed out to the edge of the board and turned around, other's were lowered oh so slowly to the waiting arms of the lifegaurd below. 

Watching them it hurt.

If life had gone according to my plan my three year old would have been in that class.  It would have been her first year taking swim lessons and today would have been her first time off the diving board.  I know my girl's spirit.  Full of life, naughty, filled with the joy of being a child of God, a little bit of a daredevil, a fighter, a fierce little spirit.

I wasn't able to watch her swim this morning.  God's plan was different.  Because of a sin filled world Marie was born with a disease and she suffered.  My Father, her Father stepped in and healed her, brought her home to Him and she's there now... and my arms ache for her.

She swims in the waters of Heaven safe and secure. 

I know my girl though.  I know that this morning, she would have jumped.

Flying time...

Time is just flying.  I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that summer is already upon us.  The usual things are happening, the wheat is changing colors.  There are thunderstorms and swimming lessons.  Gymnastics practice, grilling out and eating on the patio.  Time is passing and in the way it does it everything feels so normal.

Then I look around and one face is missing from my life.  Oh, how I miss her face.  Everyday there is some reminder of Marie's absence.  Last summer I took her to Josie's swim lessons with me.  I cuddled her as she perched atop my growing belly, I played with her as she sat in her stroller.  We would swim, get in the car and Marie and I would go and play for an hour while Josie practiced gymnastics.  We'd come home, eat lunch and I would lay down with Marie for her nap.  Marie never, ever went to sleep on her own.

Now, I tote Sarah along.  We run around, we play.  My mind will not stop going to what it would be like if Marie was here.  It was my plan that she would be, that I would have three little birds together on earth.  God's plan was different.  And every day I have to work on accepting it, praising Him for how I've been blessed, and figure out how to keep on moving.

I've been thinking a lot, and I'm thinking of doing something to remember Marie.  Something special.  I'm still figuring out how to pull it off...

Today I need to finish some book work, get a lunch packed and we're going to picnic at the park.  Then we are going to visit Luke's grandma...  It's a normal day, doing what we do... but we're just doing it without one princess.

Last night we went for a walk in the cool after the thunderstorm.  A woman on the side of the street commented how nice it was to see us (we didn't know her personally).  How nice it was that Mom, Dad, two little girls and a dog were out for a walk.  The whole family.  I wanted to scream at her.  This isn't it, this isn't all of us.  My toddler is in Heaven...  But I didn't.  I smiled, looked at my flip flops and kept walking.  Because in real life, in person, I often don't know what to say...

There's a rumour that the storms are going to hit again tonight, they're saying hail.  The "white combine" as Luke calls it because hail can ruin a crop.  Please pray the Lord saves us from that storm, but if is will is that it hails here, please pray for the strength of the farmers here.  They are so proud of what they do, feeding a nation.  Please pray for them.

Happy Tuesday all...

Five minuets for Mama...

I'm taking five minuets of down time right now.

Five minuets of quiet in a cool office in a darker basement.

I've been running like crazy for the last two weeks but think the end is in sight and soon we'll be enjoying some lazy days.

The dog ate the swimming pool.  True story.  I am now in the market for a good, non-inflatable pool.

Josie was sad the day the pool was wrecked.  She remembered swimming in it with Marie last summer.  It was hard for her to let it go.  It is really hard to let go of anything that has to do with Marie...

This made me smile today...  Little Mama in January...

I miss her face...

Today was t-ball tournament day.  It was fun, long, hot...  Josie played awesome.  Sarah cheered like a tiny maniac.  We had some really good company on the sidelines...  My friend B has awesome kids.  It was fun spending time with them.

Luke hit a pheasant on the way home.  I had my eyes closed at the time and it scared the heck out of me.  I almost cussed.  *almost*

The car was okay.

We have one quarter of millet left to plant and just got another 3/10 inch of rain last night.  They're calling for thunderstorms again tonight.  I'm sort of wondering how long it will be before that drill is in the field again.

You use a drill to plant millet.  Millet is for the birds.

I got the most awesome present in the mail a few weeks ago from Canela at Cinnamon Sticks.  It's a necklace shaped like a circle with Marie's beautiful name stamped on it.  I haven't taken it off since.  Sarah loves holding it and it feels so good to show off my sweet girls beautiful name to the world.  Love it!  All her stuff is so pretty, if you click on that link I warn you.  You're gonna want to go shopping!

The wheat is starting to turn from green to gold, the combine is at the farm shop, I'm getting ready to start working on my harvest shopping list.  I still can't believe that it's that time of year.

I think my husband is taking me out for Chinese food tonight with our little ladies...

And sometime this week I want to make him these oatmeal cream pies... they look sooo yummy!

My five minuets is up!

Fingerprint Friday...

There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that says:
I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know its true
You're a masterpiece
That all creation quietly applauds
And you're covered with the fingerprints of God
So look around you and see where YOU can see God's fingerprints. Is it in nature? Kids? Animals? Where do you see them?

To find out how to join in visit Beki at The Rusted Chain...

In my life I see God's Fingerprint in...

These two monsters.  They keep me smiling on days when I struggle to keep it all together!  Am I blessed or what? 

Better things to do...

Lately I've felt really strongly that I have better things to do than be on the computer.  That and I really haven't had time.  We've been playing t-ball (which Josie loves) and being outside as much as we can.  The weather had been so nice up until this rainy weekend and we've been enjoying it.
So, in  no real order, the better things I've had to do:

I've been cheering from the bleachers...

Marveling at my shooting stars (the columbines are blooming)...

Taking care of Sissy, who at her checkup last week was determined to be doing lovely, and a little ahead of the game in some things.  Have I mentioned how blessed we are in Sarah's health?  In the ability for her to play, crawl, eat, explore the world so easily... it is so bittersweet to see her thrive...

Loving on Daddy...  Sarah is becoming such a snugly girl, it's nice to see my oldest and my youngest forming a bond with each other... and yet, such a beautiful picture but it's hard not to see Marie missing from it...

I've been sewing all rainy weekend.  Three months ago I started my very first quilt, one for Miss Josie.  I finished yesterday.  I was machine quilted by one of the wonderful ladies in our church and the bright pink, orange and gray just scream Josie don't you think?

Landon's Hope

What a beautiful day it was... Remembering Landon... and with every step remembering Marie.  Her smile, her joy, her love of life...  Surrounded by wonderful friends and family.  The weather could not have been more perfect.  There was a peace to the day and you could feel God with us. 

Those who loved her best...

Smiling through tears...

Missing our Little Mama...

Taking care of each other...

Remembering how last year Marie walked with us...

Balloons for Landon and Marie... and kisses sent to Heaven.

Bloom...

Everything is blooming these days.  My irises... they are blooming.  Yellow, maroon, white, purple... so many colors in my garden.  The dinner plate sized poppies are bright red and here and there I can see buds on the daisies... summer is coming up on us.  And I have been struggling.

Last week was hard.  So many milestones... Sarah turned nine months old.  She got her first ear infection and cut her top two teeth.  Josie completed kindergarten got her hair cut off short... These two are blooming...

But my heart is just hurting.  I have been in a place filled with such longing.  For this one...

The hell it is to want to hold my princess like that again.  My arms literally ache to pick her up, to nuzzle that neck, to make faces to make her smile.  I have been feeling so lost.  I still have moments when I look up from the dishes at the sink, the stack of laundry in my hands, the dinner on the stove and think "it's really happened.  She's really gone.  This is real."

It is still sinking in.  How I can still struggle with it is beyond me... but the heart wants what the heart wants and I long for my child to be here with us.

You see, it was another milestone.  Nine months of life gone by without Sweet Marie...  How we miss her so still, daily.  Every moment is filled with reminders.

Yesterday I cut into the first watermelon of the summer.  "Mama, do you remember how she loved watermelon?"  "Marie loved being tossed in the air too"  "She would have loved this weather"  "She loved ice cream".  "We painted Marie's toes this color".  "This was Marie's shirt/Marie's doll/Marie's blanket"  The little everyday things we do are filled with echos of Marie.  Becuase she did them with us.

And now the times gone by but the hurts still fresh and I don't think it will heal.

We went yesterday to visit our girl in the garden of stone.  We visited the soldiers and family too.  It was so beautiful there with the sun shining, flowers on nearly every grave and so many flags waving...  I notice the babies graves now, ours is not the only one there.  Some are new, just months before Marie.  Some are older, gone 90 years, gone 60 years, gone 30 years... and there are still flowers on those graves.  Because someone remembers those babies and misses them.  There were lots of flowers at Marie's stone.  It was nice to see that she is loved and missed...

It's going to be ok.  I know where she is.  I know how to get there... it will only feel like a moment we've been apart... someday.  Only today, it hurts.  But in these valleys of sorrow is the room for growth.  I want to become what the Lord wants me to become.  I want to grow from this, to not be broken by sadness.  I want to continue to live with the joy that I learned from Rie Rie...

I got my hair cut, I painted my nails.  I am going to bake a cake with Miss Josephine... I am going to try to bloom too...

Last week- Written 5/28/2010

This week was a week of milestones...  It left me hurting.  I felt like I hurt, like I needed to be careful of myself.  Like when you've walked too long in uncomfortable shoes and have a blister and you need to be really careful with how you step or you'll rip that blister open and it will hurt so much worse.

And I wonder sometimes if people are tired of hearing me feel sorry for myself.  It seems all I write about is how hard this is, how I don't like it.  I feel crabby, frayed, fragile, lost... still so lost.  I still feel out of place in this life.  I remember how it was last summer, it feels like life still should be that way.  I have a little girl, and she's not here...  and some days that's almost to much to cope with...

I found this on another blog, it's so beautifully written... It explains why it hurts, why I hate these shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes, they are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown